Our son has been renewed. As we feel the pain that he is no longer with us, we also rejoice that he is free of the struggle that much of his life on earth was. Love sustained us all through this difficult time; our marriage, our children, our family, friends, church family and above all else, the love Christ has placed in all of our hearts. May we all never forget that He is Almighty.

This day was unlike any other for many of us, but especially Chris and I. As the day began, we both couldn't help but notice how beautiful God made this day, the day we celebrated our son's life and all that he brought to us here on earth. The flowers were beautiful, blue delphinia and white roses with greenery mixed in, lay upon his dark wooden casket. Some white delphinia, gathered together to form a cross, was also placed behind his casket. Many more flowers stood at the front of the Sanctuary as we greeted our guests and accepted their heartfelt condolences. The sun beautifully shown through the trees and bounced off the fluffy white clouds in the sky. We also felt the warmth from the sun as we walked behind Ryan, as Matt and Kim carried him. It was a warm 80 some degrees with a coolness in the wind that washed over our faces and blew our hair. The air was fresh as is Ryan's life in Heaven.

After the burial ceremony, we invited our parents to participate with us in a ceremonial dove release. Ryan's four Grandparents released 3 doves, signifying the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. In a separate basket was the 4th dove, Chris, Charlotte and I released together, signifying Ryan. The last dove circled above us all many times and then finally flew so high up into the sky that we could no longer see "him". As our guests departed to join us for a family dinner at the church, Chris and I lingered by Ryan's grave for our final moments with him. As we knelt beside him, we knew that we were saying goodbye, only to say hello again someday.

As we left the church, following the family dinner, we were again admiring the beauty of the day. We decided to get the camera out to take some pictures for the first time today.

The flowers we selected from Ryan's arrangement on top of his casket, now pressed in our family Bible.

Charlotte's smile is a wonderful gift.

After we put our tired little girl to bed, who was so well behaved today, we decided to spend some time outside to soak up more of God's glorious artwork in the sky. Chris and I toasted to our son and his life on earth and in Heaven.

We love you our son.

Mommy & Daddy

Perfect

As this day draws to a close, I don't want it to end. This is supposed to be one of the worst days of my life, and in many ways it is. However, the only moment I can think of that was sweeter than the moment Ryan took his first breathe in this world, was the moment he took his last.

We had been told by the Wings nurses that we have been depending on for guidance and reassurance that we "would know". I didn't understand what that meant, but last night, we knew. We knew it was time to scoop up our tired son and hold and rock him as we handed his strong spirit over to God. This moment confused me. I thought I would feel angry, frustrated, that I would ache and want to scream. Somehow, as he was ready to return Home and take Jesus' hand, a peace came over me. I prayed for Ryan, sang to him, clung to my husband, let the tears fall and my arms feel the heaviness of his body. I wasn't full of this tension that I feared, I was calm and coherent, for Ryan and because I knew that moment was one I would never want to forget, as painful as it was.

And then, just when I thought he had already breathed his last breath, a smile, larger than any smile we had seen for weeks, came across his perfect little lips and cheeks. His lungs filled with their last aching breath, and he was at peace too. I think to myself that he must have seen something so amazing, so beautiful. He must have felt something so powerful and good. A moment like this, is a true testament to the power of our Eternal Father. A moment so intimate and pure that will only be likened, hopefully, to the day when God calls me home to Him and I witness the glory of Heaven myself.

Ryan is Home again, waiting and watching over our family. He has always been God's angel, lent to us here on earth for such a short while but for such a huge purpose. He has given us all a greater understanding of what love is. We will always be a family of 4 in my heart. Your prayers are all felt, the strength you send our way is lifting us up as we lean on each other and our Faith in God's plan. Many of you have asked what you can do for us. I ask you to help us keep his memory alive. Please, don't ever feel you shouldn't say his name or mention him when you are with us. We may cry and it may hurt, but he is our baby forever and his memory will be with us forever. We will celebrate his life here on earth, but more so the Eternal Life he now has in Heaven. He is more full of life and vibrance than ever... He has a voice, can breathe deeply, can move freely and now has no limits. Perfect.

The Hawns
We will post service arrangements tomorrow evening.

Ryan Michael Hawn

Ryan Michael Hawn

1/27/2009 - 7/28/2009

Another Day, Another Gift

Ryan continues to grow weaker, and yet continues to be strong and hold on. We are not sure why he is holding on so tight, but we cherish every moment and know that he will let go when He is ready.

He slept all day again today, only flickering his eyes open a few times, as if to check who was around. We pray that he is comforatble and that he feels our love and the love of our friends and family.

Sweet dreams little Ryan,

Love Mom and Dad

Ryan's 1/2 Birthday 7/27/09

This entry is difficult to type as we knew these days would come. Ryan has been very tired the past 2 days. He has only been able to blink his eyes open to us a few times and then quickly drifts back to sleep. He is using all of his strength to breathe and keep his body going now. There are no words for how we are doing or what we are feeling. We are simply doing our best to be here for our little boy and to let him know that we are by his side. Last night, he slept in bed with us, for his comfort and our own.

It is impossible for us to know what the next few days hold. All we really know is what is happening now. We haven't seen Ryan awake since Friday night. We have called our family and they have come to give him one last kiss, tonight, the Eve of his 6 month "half birthday". We celebrated tonight, that we have been given this time. We sang Happy Birthday to him, in our room where he was in the Pack N Play. We even had German Chocolate cake, the kind I made and ate, the night before he was born. Many tears have been shed and Chris and I both are feeling the weight of these moments. I keep wondering to myself how we will make these small moments last our lifetime? Pictures just don't seem to be enough.

Ryan will be in our bed with us again tonight, snuggled up tight just where he belongs. We pray for his peace and comfort above all else. We pray for God to hold him close and guide us all through this difficult time.

The Hawns

Prayers and To-Do List

Ryan didn't have a great day today. He has been very sleepy and I have only seen his eyes once today (Jenn hasn't seen them at all). This afternoon he opened them as I walked in his room and began to talk to him. He looked at me and gave me a great big grin/smile. Soon after, I had to suction him, and away they went. We have both missed Ryan a lot today, which sounds strange to type since he has been in our house all day. We have him in our room tonight in the pack-n-play. Jenn wanted him close, and I didn't have any reason to disagree. Part of me also wanted him close. We both hope today was an off day, and not the start of another decline. Tomorrow will tell. Please pray for him.

I also wanted to do a little catch up and make a list of posts we still need to do. Jenn will be the first to tell you that I am a list person. I get that from my mother and grandmother who both like to write things down. I find it better to write them down, than have to keep reminding myself that I need to do them.

Here are three articles that Danielle Smith wrote about Ryan and our family in the past week or so. We wrote about her web tv show that she did, but never posted links to the articles she wrote. Thanks again Danielle for all that you have done.

http://www.extraordinarymommy.com/blog/uncategorized/do-it-for-ryan/
http://momitforward.com/mom-fights-for-her-son-fights-for-a-cure
http://www.extraordinarymommy.com/blog/extraordinary/i-wish/

We still need to post about:
1. The Trivia Night - we have been wanting to give a grand total of how much we raised. The donations are still coming in, and we have just been too busy to post. We are also still waiting for some more pictures.

2. Thank You - Jenn and I decided rather than send out 300+ thank you letters, that we would do a "thank you" post. We also were worried that if we send letters, or created a list of people/places, that we would forget someone.

3. Coldplay - We were brave enough to have another night out on Friday and attended a concert by Jenn's favorite band.

4. McAlister's Deli Fundraiser - We should find out Monday how much was raised today. Thank you to all who showed up and ate. We heard from several people that there was a great turn out, and Jenn and Charlotte were even able to make a stop by while they were running errands.

I'm sure I have forgot some other posts...so stay tuned.

Goodnight....I hope.....,
Dad

Reprieve

It is amazing what a little reprieve can do for the spirit. Today, Ryan spent very little time in his moaning/groaning state and was awake and happy a lot. He slept well last night and had a short (30 min) period this morning when he was unhappy, but the rest of the day was so much better! His nap was peaceful and he rested well, and our evening was the first in a long time that I can say was totally enjoyable. There were few moments when we couldn't console Ryan and little time was spent by his side as he "cried". He was happy and interactive with us, he had times when his heart rate dropped some, but he seemed to "snap out of it" much better tonight. We have made some minor changes, increased his dose of Morphine slightly, and given it every 4 hours without fail. If this is what he needs to feel well, then that is what we will do. So far, I am hopeful that maybe he just needed a little more help to take the edge off.

I feel so much better tonight compared to last night. Ryan's good day has re energized me and seeing his eyes open and his playful spirit so much today has really helped me feel better. I have missed Ryan the past few weeks, even though he was right here with us. I hated feeling that way. Today, he was here, wanting to play and be with the family. He even got dressed up for our company tonight, our neighbors, the Somheil's (thank you for dinner and Happy Birthday Eric). I needed this day. I loved our hugs and kisses goodnight, his smiles, the way he grasped my finger and pulled it close to him, the grin he gave Chris when he got home from work, how handsome he looked in his collared shirt outfit, the peaceful way he slept in his crib, the smell of him just after his bath, snuggling with him as much as I can and then seeing the smile creep across his face as our eyes locked together. I love our son.

Thankful for THIS good day.

The Hawns

This is Calm?

Tonight, I could probably ramble on about almost anything. Our day was busy and stressful today. I could try to go into detail, but know I would fall short of explaining in why it was stressful and what really happened. Sometimes I am just tired of talking about all the stressful stuff. It really doesn't make me feel better and I just have too much weighing on my heart and mind to try to put it in one entry tonight.

One thing I would like to say is that we are very thankful for our wonderful friends, neighbors, friends of friends, co-workers, family, all who are trying to ease the stress we feel on a daily basis. You know who you are and I hope that I thank each and every one of you adequately because Chris and I both know that we couldn't get through this without all of you making sure we have what we need and most importantly, have the most opportunity to be together, with our children. I am not sure if I will ever feel I have repayed the favors done for us, or said thank you enough. I know many of you out there do not want thanks or repayment of any kind, but please know, in my heart, I would return the favors done for us, ten fold. Hopefully someday, we can, if not for you directly, but to help someone else in need, thinking of the favors done for us.

We have so much we want to type about the Trivia Night, but as our last few days have been so full, crazy, exhausting and we have just been feeling drained, we want to get the entry organized and give it the attention it deserves. We hope to post soon.

Again, I have so much I am feeling right now, but the words to describe the depth of emotion we feel, high and low, seems impossible to explain tonight. Maybe that is all the explanation I must give... Please, know that our lives at times feel as though they are spinning out of control, that even the smallest task sometimes seems difficult. That we long for happiness, as we felt at the Trivia Night, and we don't know when we will ever feel that way again. Even that was bitter sweet. We communicate daily about our questions, concerns, changes we notice, things that are unpleasant, fears. They grow each day. We soak up the happy moments, only to break down when they seem too far and few in between. We may seem strong, but we feel weak tonight. We feel weak multiple times a day as we watch this disease claim the body of our son. We haven't been grabbing the camera as much lately because those moments we have with Ryan that are good, the last thing we want to do is go hunt for the camera... How does someone do this? How do we attempt to bond and get to know our son as we prepare to say goodbye? I don't know how, but we do, every day. That concept alone, brings me to my knees and leaves me speechless.

I know the past few entries have been heavy, full of emotion and resonate with the feeling of being helpless. This is truly how we feel much of the time and I cannot help needing to get that feeling out before it consumes me. I need to release it to be strong for the next day. Thank you for continuing to pray for us and for knowing that is what we need most. Only God can see us through this. I trust He will as long as we continue to lean on him, but it doesn't mean that my feelings are going to be roses and candy either. They are real and not always pleasant. I fear what is to come, knowing that as much turmoil that we are in now, may only be the calm before the storm. This roller coaster is painful and the lows are low and the highs are short lived. But, in a strange way, remind me that Ryan is still here with us and I am so thankful for each one of those highs that reminds us who Ryan is. We want to remember him in those ways and cling to those moments tighter each day.

Jenn & Family

Sleep Walking

After a day like yesterday I was hopeful. I even let my mind entertain the idea that we could have Many more days like yesterday, filled with lots of time staring into Ryan's beautiful blue eyes. I have been swiftly reminded of the harsh reality of our situation yet again today. Our night was rough again, up countless times between 12AM and 3AM because Ryan was upset and seemed uncomfortable, or his alarms sounded. I cannot tell you the number of times Chris and I have thrown covers off of our tired bodies and stumbled out of our room into his in a sleepy stupor, trying to decide what to do next to help him. We have been "sleep walking" for weeks and seen all hours of the night.

Ryan finally settled sometime after 3AM and we were able to get a few hours of sleep before getting up to get Charlotte off to school and start the day. Ryan finally woke sometime aroun 9:30AM and was up for a short while as I changed his diaper, clothes, replaced the tape on his face that holds his tubes and rotated his NG tube in his other nostril. Those small tasks were a bit too much for him and he then slept until sometime around 2:15PM. He was awake for a few minutes with us on the couch but is now moaning, again. It pains me to hear it. I know that the Dr.'s and nurses have explained that it is just his way of grunting off the excess CO2 in his body and working to breathe. I have been told to try to "block" the noises out, but I can't. They break my heart, one little bit at a time. I was cuddling with him on the couch as he moaned, whispering in his ear, stroking his arm and just holding him the best way that I can without disrupting his position. I can't break this cycle for him and cannot soothe this discomfort away. How can I ignore that?? Not even the Morphine that I gave him almost an hour ago has helped.

I have prayed countless times in the past few days for God to scoop him up and comfort him since I cannot. Every time I pray this prayer, I am sure that if Ryan passes soon, I may feel guilty in knowing that it may be because I asked God to take him. I want Ryan here with us, but when he is like this, I know this isn't Ryan. I know God has a plan for Ryan, but I also know that he will listen to his mother's prayer.

I am sitting here, helplessly typing because I feel I need to do something with my hands. They cannot heal my son. Typing doesn't heal my own heart, but somehow, helps me try to figure out what pieces are missing and how to compensate for their emptiness.

The only comfort I find in moments like these is that when Ryan does finally stop moaning, and pops his eyes open, it is almost as if he has returned to say, "Here I am Mom, I'm back." How is this possible? Is he really here as his body is failing him? Is he only here when God tells him his mother needs to gaze into his eyes again? When he does finally open his eyes, I want to ask him where he has been, what has he seen? I want to tell him that I will miss the depth of the stories his eyes tell. I want him to know that I will hold our locked gazes in my memories forever and that those small moments with him are priceless to me. Maybe God does do that for him... for me...

Jenn

McAlister's Deli Fundraiser

Click on the flier to enlarge and then print. Be sure to present the flier at time of purchase!

Praying for Comfort

We have so many things we want to update everybody about. First of all, the Trivia Night that we held as a fundraiser last night for Ryan and our Family was a complete success! We were AMAZED by the number of people in the room and how much love there was for our family. All of the hugs, well wishes, concerns and prayers were felt ever so strong. You have all impacted our lives forever. Those who helped organize it, volunteered, attended or sent gifts in your stead if you could not attend. You all lifted our family up so high last night and as I said, "made us smile more than we've smiled in a long time." We have many pictures and other details about the night that we would like to share with you in another post, so as I know you are, keep looking if you are interested!

Many of you were asking about Ryan last night. Some of you, we had the chance to sit down and talk with, and others, we regret not having the opportunity to do so. We have had a very rough couple of weeks with Ryan. We have seen his condition deteriorate very quickly, as I have already written about. He continues to have a lot of difficulty managing his saliva keeping his heart rate regular and is requiring Morphine regularly. He was having long crying/moaning spells and in the past couple of days, we have been up with him for hours at a time day and night, by his side, wishing the discomfort away, responding to his O2 sat and heart rate alarms and trying anything we can (usually giving medication) to help him feel better.

We have recently had a theory that maybe it was acid reflux? So we are trying Prevacid and Pepcid to help prevent that. But, the heart rate drops and the discomfort spells continued. Yesterday morning, Ryan moaned/cried in the night almost continuously from 2:30AM on and then was crying from 6AM until 9AM. We were emotionally and physically drained, but knew our strain was nothing compared to that of our little boy. He needed relief and it was our job as his parents to advocate for whatever that would be. We were hopeful for someone to tell us how to make it better and were prepared to do what it took to make it that way. We weren't sure if we would be attending the Trivia Night, just yesterday morning.

We took him to our pediatrician so she could examine Ryan as she hadn't seen him in a long time and all she knew about him is what I could convey to her over the phone. As she looked him over, he began dropping his heart rate again and this time his O2 sat went down too. Most parents know that when your child is sick, you are thankful in a way when the doctor actually sees what you see. By no means were we glad that he was struggling, but we were thankful she witnessed what we do multiple times per day. We were waiting for her to tell us what she thought it was and how we can help fix it, even if it meant giving another medication. We sat and talked after she was done and this is what she had to say...

She explained that his difficulty keeping his heart rate regular is not because his heart is failing. It is because his lungs are failing and this is a secondary problem. Ryan is in Respiratory Failure. There is no medication that will magically fix that and all we can do is what we are already doing. This news weighed very heavy. Chris and I clung to each other tight and cried as we did when Ryan was first diagnosed with SMA. Our only option now is to keep him comfortable.

Since our visit yesterday, we have increased the frequency that we are giving him morphine. The good news is that he has seemed more comfortable and has had more periods of happy awake time. He also slept well last night, which means we slept well. Chris and I both said it is the most sleep we've gotten in weeks, even though we didn't get to bed until 1 AM and were still up in the night to give him his medications. But, we both slept, well and were thankful that he did too. We also changed his alarm settings on his O2 sat machine so that when and if it does alarm, we need to be up ASAP. His heart rate drops are upsetting, but we have been told that he will not pass from a sudden drop in his heart rate. It will be gradual.

Over the past few weeks, we have been terrified of that quick moment when he would no longer be with us and that one of us, if we weren't here for one reason or another, wouldn't get here to say goodbye in time. In a strange way, knowing more about what to expect gave us some peace. We know that we are not ever traveling so far that we couldn't get there in time. Well, I guess we don't know that for sure, but we have faith that when the moment comes for Ryan to leave our arms and be taken into God's, that things will be as they should.

So, as much of our time has gone, we wait. We wait praying that we are given more days like today. Today was a Good Day. Ryan's eyes were open more today than we've seen in a long time. We were afraid that by giving him more morphine that it meant we would have less interaction with him, but that has been quite opposite. Chris has been home with us since Wed. last week. We have been so thankful to be together as a family and after the Trivia Night this weekend, we are so much more comfortable in doing so, no matter how long we have. We are hoping for much more time.

We just layed Ryan down for bed, he stayed up WAAAYY past his previous bed times. We are so happy that he is happier and that we can really shift our focus to what is most important now. We will do all we have done to keep him as healthy as we can but will not spend time trying to fix him. Just love on him every chance we get and keep him as comfortable as possible. Ryan's strength has been just amazing. He wants to spend more time with all of us too...

The Hawns

Articles, Kids, and Trivia Night Eve

Jenn's to tired to blog tonight...and I'm not to far behind her, so I'll make this short. The MC for tomorrow night, Danielle Smith, wrote two separate articles about Ryan and our family and we wanted to share them with you. The two stories can be found at the links below.

http://momitforward.com/mom-fights-for-her-son-fights-for-a-cure
http://www.extraordinarymommy.com/blog/uncategorized/do-it-for-ryan/

Some old college friends visited this evening. It was great to see them...and their "mini me's", Nikolas, Katelynn, and Ian. We had fun, but it was also a rough night for Ryan. We'll have to post some pictures of all the kids on the couch together in another post...it's late...and we may get some better pictures later in emails they send us. It takes a lot of pictures to get one of all the kids looking...and not crying or pulling each others hair/leg/arm/tubing.

We got a sneak peek at the Trivia T-Shirts tonight. Thank you Amy for bringing them by.

Hope and Pray that tomorrow night goes well...for us and Ryan.

Goodnight,
The Hawns

Trivia Update - One Table Available

One entire table (8 people) has become available. The first person to contact Sara Hemmann at 636.578.3886 can reserve the table (8 x $20 = $160 Total). This will go fast, so call soon!

The Spin Cycle

Long story short, we have come into contact with Danielle Smith, the author of www.extraordinarymommy.com and a new show on MomTV called "The Spin Cycle". This is a web-t.v. show that she hosts live on Wednesday nights, at 8PM CST. Danielle will be the host/MC for our Trivia Night on Saturday. She spent some time getting to know Ryan and I last week and tonight, she talked about our family on her radio show. If you have approx. 30 min. and would like to watch it, click here, then click on the MENU button you see on the video clip. Choose, VIEW MOVIES, then select the clip from 7/16/09. During the news cast, she also commented that she will be writing 2 other articles about Ryan and our family. When we know of those links, we will share them with you.

Danielle,
We would like to sincerely thank you for taking time to help us raise awareness about Spinal Muscular Atrophy and for accepting our invitation to host our Trivia Night on Saturday. You graciously took time out of your busy schedule to bring our family's story alive for others. Your interpretation of our story was accurate and heartfelt. We look forward to reading the entries you will be writing and enjoying Saturday evening with friends, family and supporters of our brave son, Ryan.

Chris & Jenn Hawn

3 In Size 3's

Ryan had his Cardinal's gear on for the All Star Game last night. He had a pretty restful night until about 5 AM, in which he needed more pain medicine to help him go back to sleep.

But, we had other problems that began at 3 AM and are currently being resolved by this... Use your imagination. If your wondering, all 3 "children" fit in size 3 diapers.

Off to the vet we go.

The Hawns

The House Is Quiet

Sometimes I see him looking over my shoulder or gazing at something else in the room like this. Often, I wonder what is so beautiful that he is looking at? Is it possible that I can't see it? In the middle of the night, I often feel the presence of someone else in the room as I kneel by his bedside. I look up several times to see only an empty doorway. But, I don't really believe that he and I are alone... I feel something very strong in those hours.

Today, my mom is over helping my sister with Ian so she can sleep after her night shift, Chris is at work, and I have had a relatively quiet day. I can't say that I've had too many of those in recent weeks. I am thankful for it and sad all at the same time.

Last night, Ryan did sleep pretty good, only waking once at 3AM because he had another heart rate drop. He was quite upset afterwards and we tried the relaxation medication, but after 30 more min. of crying and being upset, we tried something new. Yesterday, when the Wing's nurse, Kim, was here, we organized a plan to have some stronger pain medication in case that is what is wrong. We got the morphine last night and decided to give it for the first time when he couldn't calm down. It worked really well for him and we were glad he was able to settle down and go back to sleep fairly quickly.

This morning, he woke around 8:30 upset again. I did the usual things to help him, but this time avoided giving the relaxation medication and went straight for the morphine. He had a couple of heart rate drops, but overall, the medication worked well for him and he was awake and happy for much of the morning. I was thankful that he seemed comfortable and layed him down for a relaxing nap sometime just before noon.

He has been asleep ever since, and it is now 4pm. I did the dishes, dusted, paid bills, watered my plants and even got downstairs to give our dusty eliptical a test drive to see if it still works. It is weird having time to myself like this. I wish I was like all the other busy moms out there who are toting kids around and busy with those kind of normal things. I almost don't know what to do with myself. I enjoy having time for just my own thoughts and just to "be", but also don't like the quiet. Ryan should be babbling and cooing at me, crying because he wants up from his nap, banging toys and practicing rolling over and sitting up. The silence as I layed with him on the couch this morning was deafening. His eyes do talk to me, but I really miss his voice and all the things that my mind tells me he should be doing.

As I am typing, I can hear the hum of the oxygen compressor, the fan in his room to keep it cool. I am dreading the day that I don't even have those noises to listen too. Something in my gut has told me lately that things are really getting worse right now. I am glad that Ryan is more comfortable with the morphine, but also sad that he needs morphine to be comfortable. I wish I could take all of his discomfort away for good and restore his body so he can enjoy life. It has been really difficult to wish his life to continue with how uncomfortable and upset he has been the past few days, but today, I have hope that maybe we can keep him comfortable enough to have a few more happy moments to share together.

We haven't taken many pictures lately because things have just not been that great for Ryan. Here is one we caught of him the other day... We both can't get over how blue his eyes are.

Our strong little boy.

The Hawns

Around the Clock

Last night became an around the clock kind of night. I saw every hour and spent much of the night at Ryan's bedside trying to console him. We quickly came to the conclusion that something is bothering Ryan and we still haven't figured it out. The day started off rough as Ryan woke up sometime around 8:30 am and cried from then on until 10am. Mom was home with me and we tried all we could to get him to stop, but I think it just had to be his idea because after he stopped, it was like nothing had happened. Ryan stayed awake for a while and then went down for a restful nap. He woke to another heart rate drop, which wasn't as bad as others have been, and then went back to sleep for a short while.

When he finally got up for good, I snuck in a bath as he desperately needed one from all the crying he had been doing, and settled him in on the couch. I had been in touch with Chris all day about what had been going on, and Ryan proceeded to have another heart rate drop. I just can't figure out what is going on, other than his heart has some type of irregularity and he has no oxygen reserve and just can't handle it when it slows. Sometime around 4, a while after his bath, he stopped crying again and was able to play with me a little bit.

The BEST part of my day was when Chris got home. It felt good for us to all be together because all day I had a bad feeling in my gut that something was going to go wrong today. But, that is not why it was the best. When Chris came over to the couch and sat in front of Ryan, Ryan gave him the BIGGEST smile I had seen from him all day. It was so sweet and so unprovoked. He knew that his Daddy was home. What a good feeling.

Ryan proceeded to stay awake and content for a while and then took a short nap on the couch while we ate dinner. Around 7pm, he was off to bed without much fuss. So, we are hoping tonight is much more restful for all of us than last night. Hopefully, the things we are doing to make things better for him are working.

The Hawn Family

Who WAS That CRAZY Driver?

It was me.

Today, I was so excited to go to Ian's 1st Birthday Party. We had told Charlotte all day that we were going to his party and she would clap and say "Yayyy, Ian's Party". She was very excited too and I wanted her to go and have fun with the other kids. I was hoping to go without any major problems and come back.

Well, last night, I kept having visions of myself racing back on Mid River's Mall Drive, with my flashers on, driving as fast as I can to get home in the event of an emergency. As irrational as many of our fears are, I was sure this one was too.

Our morning didn't start off on the right foot. Ryan woke us up at 6:15 with an O2 sat and heart rate drop. It wasn't as bad as the one that happened to us on Monday of this past week, that we were thankful for. Since he had never done it twice in one day, we thought we were in the clear. He also had a pretty good morning, was more content and awake more, despite us needing to give his relaxation medication every 2 hours. The past few days, if we don't, he is moaning and crying all day. So, our morning improved and I got myself and Charlotte ready to go to the party. Chris volunteered to stay home with Ryan so that I could go since we knew that it would be way too much for him.

The party was scheduled to start at 12:00, so Mom and I left sometime around 11:30. I told Chris to call me for ANYTHING. Sara and I only live about 10 min. apart. We had Charlotte in the car, and I had just driven past the St. Charles Comm. College, commenting on the beautiful fountain and how we always say we are going to take a walk there around the campus. We were a little over half way there. Then the phone rang. Chris on the caller ID... I knew that he would only call if he needed to.

My Dad's voice was on the other end of the line - "Jenn, I'm with Chris, Ryan's O2 sat and heart rate are down, we can't get them up". He told me some numbers and before I could even think straight I was telling him that I was turning around and had already whipped the car into the turn lane to pull a UE when I had the chance. A million thoughts were rushing through my head. Looking back, I think I was able to instinctively know what to do because I had already lived this moment in my head. I just didn't think I'd actual have to do it.

As I was waiting for the chance to turn around, a fire truck pulled onto the street ahead with it's lights on. Someone else, experiencing an emergency. Life is so fragile. When I finally got turned around and got going again, I zoomed down Mid River's Mall Dr. with my flashers going as fast as I could safely go. I sped through some stop lights and passed several cops that were all too focused on the other emergency going on to give me the time of day. NO ONE tried to STOP ME! I was shocked and thankful, although a cop in front of me with flashing lights for me wouldn't have been bad. I wanted to call Chris back and find out what was going on, but also didn't want to distract him from the most important job he was doing, bringing our son back.

As I drove down Pittman Hill Rd, the urgency grew. I began honking and screaming at the cars in front of me to either go faster or move out of the way. My daughter, copying everything we say these days, was doing the same. Mom was hanging on for dear life. I passed a few cars on Pittman Hill and finally made it to Towers Rd, where I drove down the center lane the entire way. Finally, we were home and as I pulled in the driveway, I felt as though my feet couldn't take me fast enough. When I was finally by Ryan's side, his O2 sat still hadn't come up, but luckily his heartrate was.

We worked with the cough and suction machine a couple more times and after several minutes, his O2 sat finally returned to normal. My adrenaline was still flowing but at least I was here, not wondering what was happening at home. I called Sara and cried as I told her that I couldn't come and wouldn't be bringing Charlotte either. I was crushed.

Mom left to go to the party and so did my Dad, Rob and his parents. Chris' dad had shown up in the middle of everything too because he was going to stay here with Chris when we were gone. We fed Charlotte lunch and prepared lunch for ourselves. Once Ryan settled down, we put him to bed too. I still felt terrible about not being at Ian's party. Even though SMA has effected our lives so greatly, there are just some things in life that I am not prepared to let it take away. Celebrating my nephew's 1st Birthday was one of them. So, bravely I took my purse and keys in my hand and prepared to have a much safer drive, back to Sara's to be with my family and celebrate the joy of life.

When I arrived, everyone was eating in the garage since the outdoor party was rained out. My sister and I shared a very emotional hug, her knowing how much I was risking to be there, and me knowing she knew how much I wanted to be there for her. My sister means so much to me and this was a moment that I wanted to witness and share with her. Not hear about later this evening, regretting that I wasn't there.

The party was very nice and I was thankful to laugh and smile at the joy on Ian's face as he opened his gifts and dove mouth first into his chocolate cake and icing. I was so glad that I came and didn't want to leave. I wanted to soak this moment up. I wanted to help my sister so much more than I was able to, but I know she knows that. I had been feeling guilty about not being able to be there for her more and I know she has said the same about me. My sister and I share a bond that is stronger than steel and a love more pure than gold. Times like these only strengthen our relationship and deepen our love and appreciation for each other. I love her more than she will ever know.

Here is a video of Ian eating his cake, the best part of your 1st birthday. Happy 1st Birthday Ian!

An update on how Ryan is doing tonight... He had another heart rate drop about an hour after I got home. Not nearly as bad as the one that I was racing home for earlier today, but we are concerned that he had 3 today. After it happened, I listened to his heart and heard a bit of an irregular rhythm. We aren't sure what is causing it. He has also had more fussy times today despite us giving his relaxation medication. We are wondering if we are missing what is bothering him, so in an effort to figure out what it might be, we have put him on Pepcid in case he is having acid reflux and we don't know it, since that can be quite painful. We are hoping for some improvement in the next couple of days. We have also cut back his rate for his feedings since the energy it takes to digest his food may be wearing his body out too. Also, any excess fluid will just build up in his lungs, and maybe that is also contributing to us not being able to get them to clear up. We are putting our heads together, the Wing's nurse and myself, trying to get the equation right. I hope we can...

My mom will be here with me all week and we will be getting things ready for the Trivia Night. With the Wing's nurses here, I am hoping we are able to leave, relax and have fun, and NOT have to rush home for an emergency.

The Hawns

Celebrate!

We learned today that Charlotte does NOT have SMA! God is great.

The Hawns

Charlotte "isms"

Even though we have been so distracted with the challenges with Ryan lately, we still find time each day to love and appreciate just what a wonderful little girl we have too. I feel so guilty that my attention is diverted away from her so much because she is at such a cute age right now and deserves so much more than I am able to give her right now. She has been saying a lot of cute things lately and so in effort to remember them, I want to write them down. The spelling is not going to be correct as I am going to try to write them how she says things. She often talks with some type of southern twang, not sure where she gets it from. She draws out her vowels and has just the cutest, most petite little voice I've ever heard. I love you Charlotte.

"Come heeaaarr" (holding hands out to any object that will be hugged, animal, Ryan, Mommy, Daddy, ducky)

"Give hug"

"whosit" (Who is it? -wondering who is coming to the door when Gracie barks. She is getting used to a lot of visitors, unfortunately, the dog still barks.)

"Bof uv vem" (translates to: both of them; when asked to choose between one thing or another, this is her reply)

"Mommy, Mommy! Know what?" "Give hug"

"Pretty haaiiirrr" (running her fingers through my hair)

"Rock a baby" (wanting to be held in rocking position just for snuggles)

"hea go" (here you go, says when giving you something)

"I hode you" (holding her arms out, wanting you to hold her)

"Big gurl unnaware"

"pretty pannies" (Minnie Mouse panties for going potty on the pot)

"tank oooo" (thank you)

"pitures" (loves looking at pictures on cameras, computers or the digital photo frame)

"Wooo Hooo" (says whenever we are going to do something fun like take a bath or go swing)

"Go Swing! I'll be fun!" (I love this phrase, she always says i'll be fun while clapping)

"go pay in cubhouse" (wanting to go outside to play on her clubhouse)

"stan up" (tells me to stand up when I am holding her so she can then ask for rock a baby)

"call granma like hanna" (says after going potty on the pot, like hannah in her potty book)

"go poop on potty, hurry hurry mommy, fast!" (says to me as we rush back to the potty, then never actually goes poop on potty)

"my good boy" (says to Ryan as she touches him and smiles)

There are so many more. She loves to sing many songs and carries a tune pretty good for a 2 1/2 year old. She even knows "Apologize" by One Republic, and "1,2,3,4" by The Plain White T's. Another favorite song is "They" by Jem, in which she requests by saying "Ba ba da". I also love how every night she knows EXACTLY what book she wants to read and won't take suggestions from her parents. She even has certain books that she wants to read with Mommy and certain ones for Daddy. I find that very interesting, but it never fails. It isn't always the same books, but there are a few favorites. She knows most of her books by heart and can read them right along with us. She is quite the fan of counting and we have heard her count all the way to the 70's. She has become very methodical. Not sure if that is her Engineer of a Father or Nurse of a Mother coming out in her. She is into lining up her toys and the other day we even caught her turning all of the magnets on the fridge "right side up". She doesn't seem to group her toys yet but definitely likes having them all in a row.

Lining up and counting her sidewalk chalk yesterday.

Charlotte also gives the sweetest hugs and kisses goodnight. I know she probably doesn't realize right now how much she is helping us get throug this, but so many times I have been thankful to have her to hold and cling to. Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that she brings tears to my eyes, just anticipating her squeeze back.

Jenn

More Antibiotics

Ryan has been off antibiotics for about 2-3 days and his fever returned last night around 12 AM. We were up till almost 1AM trying to help calm him down and get him back to sleep, giving him Tylenol, Motrin and his relax medication to help him through this. The Wing's nurse came this morning and we have another round of antibiotics to start. Because Ryan can't clear the "junk" from his lungs, whenever the antibiotics are stopped, his body just can't fight off what is still there. We are going to work very hard to help him clear his lungs the best we can with the cough machine, percussive therapy to his chest, suctioning, and postural drainage positioning to help drain the lower lobes of his lungs to help him get over this yuck. I am not sure that even our efforts will be enough but it is all we can do. I hope that we can make a difference and get him feeling better soon...

The Hawn Family

Happy 1st Birthday, Ian!

Ian, my nephew, turned 1 year old today. I can distinctly remember the day he was born and the joy in my sister's and her husbands eyes when they introduced us to their son for the first time. Since Ryan was born, I have grown to understand the pride that comes with having a son. It is a love that is powerful on many different levels.

As the year has come and gone, I have seen Ian grow and change into the cute little boy that was giggling, smiling and romping around on my living room floor today, full of hope and promise for a bright and joyful future. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of his life. His presence in my life is precious.

Happy Birthday Ian August Hemmann. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you as you grow and explore this world around you. May you always feel the love of your family and the love of God.

Love,

Aunt Jenny, Uncle Chris, Cousins Charlotte & Ryan

Sigh of Relief

After 2 good days, I feel confident enough to title this entry. I was so thankful today to see Ryan's smile had returned. It hadn't been around the past couple of days, rightfully so, and today it was back. He seemed much more happy today, really only subtle differences but a change in the right direction. He didn't need his relaxation medication since 6AM today and had a lot of "happy" wake time. The last two days haven't been a breeze but much better than the previous three. He has had only minor O2 sat drops and as everything usually is, those were put into perspective by the events that happened earlier this week.

So, we are breathing a little easier tonight and have also gained quite a bit of insight from our experiences this week. It is very clear that minor illness has a major impact on Ryan. Even though we really have no exact explanation about why things happened this week, I do believe it all was because his little body just can't handle much more than what he is already battling. I am thankful for the summer months when illness is pretty scarce and understand all too well that we just have to take life with him one day at a time. So today was a good day...

I also wanted to share something I realized today, but didn't realize until I spoke it. Nancy Forth, our neighbors that moved recently, surprised me and came to help me out today (her mother goes to our church and was signed up, but sent Nancy in her stead, a very nice gesture). Anyway, we were talking today about pictures because I have been working diligently on a memory book for our family for the year 2008 while Ryan naps. I have scrap booked in the past but obviously don't have much time to do it these days. But, I really like to have something to look at, not just our pictures on the computer. I discovered the memory books that you can do on-line and fell in love with the idea instantly. It is soooo easy to do and takes me a fraction of the time to put a book together. The more I worked on it and sifted through the pictures from that year, the more I treasured them. I have always enjoyed looking back at old pictures and reminiscing about when they were taken and the significance of the picture.

I showed Nancy the book I was working on today because we had shared a lot of memories together, her family and ours. Those memories are very special to me. And then I said, "I think I enjoy doing this so much because despite the really hard times we have gone through in the past few years, we have oh so many more good times and that is what I want to remember about life."

I spoke this out loud and believed it when I said it. It felt good to say it. The joy in my life is so much greater than the pain. It spills out on the pages of photos in the book. There were so many good times that I wanted in the book that I even used the max number of pages allowed. Our lives are overflowing with the joy God has given us. And even though we are going through some very painful times right now, I can honestly say that. We have shared so many smiles with family and friends over the years, watched our daughter Charlotte growing up before our eyes, met countless people that have impacted our lives forever. Hadn't we taken this path, I don't know that those friendships would have been made or those moments been lived. I am very happy tonight realizing that I am not talking myself into thinking the cliche' "life is good". I really do believe that our lives have been blessed beyond compare. We have been given the unique opportunity to really appreciate life for all that it brings. The pain has taught me so much about thankfulness, something some people may never really understand or appreciate.

Jenn Hawn

I Cooked Dinner

I am not sure how to recover from a day like today, but know that I must in order to move on to the next. Because I don't have a crystal ball to tell me what is ahead, somehow, I have to keep going to be ready...

Today, I already filled you in on the catastrophic events that unraveled as the day went on. I had no idea that there was more in store. There are a lot of details I will spare you and some I may share that make you cry with me. But, it is what happened and the reality of the life we are living.

Chris got home sometime around 6pm tonight after picking Charlotte up from school. Ryan had spent some time with me on the couch once he finally woke up from his long nap of the day. I bathed him and he was somewhat content until his evening nap sometime around 5 PM. I was feeling confident in myself after handling the events of the day and decided to cook dinner. I miss cooking and putting a meal together for my family and sometimes feel guilty for not taking on that responsibility in the midst of all this. Not sure why, just sometimes think I should still be able to cook a meal. So, Chris and Charlotte get home and I decide to move Ryan from the couch to his bouncy chair on his side so we can "play" as a family together until dinner finished. When the oven buzzed, I fixed our plates, set the table and we got the kids over. Chris and I just moved Ryan while he was in his chair still to the table. When he is at our level, it is our greatest chance of actually being able to eat the food in front of us.

As I turned around, I noticed Ryan's color didn't look good. I had Chris turn on the light and then go get the O2 sat machine to check him out. Sometimes I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. But, they weren't. As we put the monitor on his foot, we have to wait for it to "sink up". Usually the lower numbers will show and then it pops up to his "normal" numbers. The low numbers didn't change, O2 sat 40, heart rate 60's and I noticed that the signal on the machine was good. I had Chris run to get my stethoscope to know for sure if it was right. Time seemed to stand still, as I listened to the slow thud of his heart and instantly knew he was in trouble. The machine now read O2 sat 35, heart rate 50. It was real.

We rushed him to the couch, Chris sprinted for the suction, cough machine and cranked his oxygen up. We pushed his medication right away and worked together to bring our little boy back. He was the palest shade of gray I have ever seen and we were terrified that we were losing him... again. We got the Wing's nurse, Nikki, on the phone and told her to come as his numbers weren't improving fast enough. Somehow, amidst my silent prayer and the commotion in the room, Ryan managed to bring his O2 sat up to 85, a number at this time that we were thankful to see. He moaned for the next 30 minutes as his O2 sat and heart rate came up, breaking my heart with every whimper. His heart rate finally peaked back to 170's and his sat to 98. He has never crashed his heart rate like that before and this may be an indicator of more episodes like this to come.

We aren't sure what triggered this. He is still having loose stools and could possibly have been bearing down trying to go to the bathroom. However, there was no messy diaper and after he was stable and we helped him go (as we have to do every day) he didn't drop his heart rate when he pushed then. So, that theory is unlikely.

In the middle of everything, our poor little girl was placed on the back burner. We had already placed her in her booster seat for dinner. Chris thought enough to put a magazine in front of her and we just kept talking to her as we scurried about to save Ryan.

When it was all "over", there really weren't any words. I struggle knowing that this will happen again. In the middle of everything, you do all you can to save him, to get him to respond to something, ANYTHING. And then, when he finally does and all you can do is sit by his side and listen to him moan, I question whether this was the time we were supposed to let him go. I don't know that I will be able to do that. He is going to have to let go first... Because there is no amount of preparation or wisdom for me to know when the time is that we are supposed to let God take his hand. I just pray that when he is ready that he never forgets the way my hand felt wrapped around his too.

All we really want for him is to be well... He isn't well anymore. He hasn't been for a long time, but as parents, it is an impossible request for us not to do everything we know to do. If we have done all of that and Ryan still does not respond, then that is when we will know... to hold our little boy.

I have no words really to describe how I feel inside. I think many of you out there probably already know because your guts are aching with ours. It is a pain I pray that others never feel, but also painfully know that others do. The worst part is that each time this happens, and he thankfully comes back, I know it will happen again. How do you recover from this, just to prepare yourself for when it happens again? Tomorrow will come and the events of that day will also take me by surprise. Tonight, I just wanted to cook dinner and enjoy it with my family. But tonight, it sat cold on the table as we prayed for our son's life.

The Hawns

Something to Blog About

Oh goodness.... What an eventful past few days it has been. I think the cherry was placed on top of the sundae today.

3AM - we lose power... ummm instead of rolling over and setting my phone alarm, we both jumped out of bed and while Chris went to find a flashlight or candle, I hooked Ryan up to one of our portable tanks since his oxygen compressor runs on electricity. Luckily, no harm done. After it didn't come on in a few minutes, we hooked him up to the "big mamma" tank in our dining room and went back to bed.

4:30 AM - power comes back on. Too tired to get up and switch Ryan over back to the compressor.... it can wait till morning.

7:45 AM - Ryan wakes up fussy, again. Try changing diaper and getting him dressed, still no smiles. Gave him his medication, rolled over and back to sleep he went.

9 AM - Wing's nurse and social worker here... glad to see them, needed to talk.

9:15 AM - Get call from Charlotte's school, her "button" (feeding tube) fell out! EMERGENCY! Must find a way to get the new button to her school. Wings nurse offers to stay with Ryan (thank goodness!) and I race to Charlotte's aid to place a new one.

10:10 AM - on my way back home from Good Shepherd, thankful that Charlotte was ok and the tube went in easily. Rushing to get back so the Wings nurse can leave since she wasn't supposed to be there and graciously offered to help me out and stay with Ryan.

10:25 AM - lights flashing behind me as I pull into our subdivision... GOOD GRIEF! I pull into our driveway and the tears are already flooding my eyes. I simply say, "sorry, I've had a bad day and hand over my license and registration. Officer comes back with a Warning... phew. Then asks, "Is there anything I can do for you?" Me - "The story is too long to tell, I need to get inside, my son is in hospice care and his nurses are here." Officer - "If there is anything I can do to help, please call..." As I went back into the house, I was sure they were inside laughing and gasping at the flashing lights outside. To my surprise, they were in Ryan's room and didn't even know. I fessed up anyway because right before I had left, they ironically said "don't get in an accident or get a ticket". Somehow, I managed to escape both...

11 AM - back inside and calmed down, trying to keep Ryan content. Still crying... lay him down for more sleep as he seems tired.

3 PM - Ryan... still asleep, me blogging. Wishing he had enough energy to play with me and help me forget how CRAZY this day has been! I hope he is okay.

Jenn

Our 4th of July

Ryan decided he had to join in the fun of "being sick" even though he already is, and had us up the night before the 4th, having thrown up in his bed... yuck. I didn't know he could even throw up still, but the tell tale signs were all there. Luckily he didn't drop his O2 sat, but it is likely that he aspirated into his lungs. So, we were on watchful eye for ANY sign of distress today.

4th of July was very different this year. Most years, I can remember spending a lot of the day preparing food, enjoying the outdoors and complaining about the hot sun. This year, it was gloomy and rainy and we spent very little time outdoors. It wouldn't have seemed like the 4th at all if it hadn't been for the fireworks going off around us. Ryan was very fussy all morning, having to be put down for a short nap at 10 am that turned into a 5 hour nap! Our first indication that he was still not feeling well. When he got up, he was still quite irritated, but we did our best to keep him happy and awake.

Sara, Nathan and Ian came over to have dinner with us. We cooked shrimp skewers on the BBQ and had cantaloupe, broccoli, bread and baked potatoes. The meal was great and we enjoyed sitting down together to celebrate.

And then, our 4th of July blew up... Ryan woke up from his short nap just after we sat down. Chris went and got him from his room and brought him out to join us. He layed him on his side in his bouncy chair as we often do and sat back down. **We usually only have Ryan's sat monitor on while he sleeps, but when Chris got him up, he was in the lower 90's which is unusual for him, so Chris chose to keep it on him. A few minutes later, Ryan sounded "gurgly" so I got up to get his suction machine to help him out. As I walked past him, I saw the O2 sat machine said 85. I began to run... When I came back, Ryan had already drifted down to the 70's, lower than I had ever seen him go. He was fading fast. I quickly suctioned his nose and mouth, changed his position, trying to get his sat to come up. No change. Someone went to get his cough machine (which we had received just 2 days ago) and I tried suctioning and repositioning agian, no change... 70 and dropping... And then Ryan's color began to change to a dusky gray. We used the cough machine 2 times and got the Wing's nurse on the phone.

As I was talking to her, we suctioned him again and gave him the medication to relax him. Approx 10 minutes had passed and we were unable to get his sat above 85. We used the cough machine once more and prayed that he would begin to recover. His sat finally reached 93 and we let him rest for a few moments before moving him to the couch. He was very upset and moaning through the whole event and I sat next to him and held his hand and talked to him until the medication began to work. His heartrate finally settled down from 170's to 140's and he opened his eyes to look around. It took approx. 20 minutes for his normal color to return even after his O2 sat was normal. We were all exhausted.

After spending some more time on the couch, we were finally ready to put him to bed and pray that the rest of the night was uneventful. We were instructed to continue to give him the relaxing medication every 6 hours for the next day or so, especially if he seemed uncomfortable. Kathy, the Wing's nurse, thought we were going to have a rough night and said that if this happened again, we needed to decide if we would consider taking a trip to the ER for a chest x-ray or if we were satisfied with treating him the best we can at home. Since a chest x-ray is only diagnostic and we have all of the equipment and "machines" we are willing to help Ryan with at home, we knew a stressful trip to the ER wasn't the answer.

We tried our best to shake off what had just happened and prayed that he would remain stable the rest of the night. After a few tears, we cleaned up the dinner dishes, got the kids to bed and the four of us sat down to play a game. Sara and I went outside to watch a few of the fireworks that our neighbors were setting off and to smell the sulfur in the air, a trademark of the 4th of July. My heart wasn't there and not much of me was interested in celebrating...

Luckily, Ryan was stable the rest of the night. When he woke up this morning, he was still pretty fussy, so we followed the nurse' recommendation and did give him the relaxing medication. It made his and our day much more enjoyable. Bittersweet though. It just goes to show that he DOES need more help than he used to. Right now, he is fast asleep for his afternoon nap. As the day goes on, I find myself wondering when our next emergency will be. Each day, it seems to happen when I least expect it.

And on top of everything else, Charlotte threw up in her bed again last night, and now Mommy is sick too! Chris is doing his best to ward off the tummy bug germs, I hope he can do it. We need someone healthy!

The Hawns

Healing

We have had more medical drama than "ER" in our family in the past 3 days. It all started with Kristy's Dad, Thursday morning, needing to be rushed to the hospital after passing out. Luckily today he is being discharged... Then that evening, Ryan gave us a good scare, dropping his O2 sat for about 10 minutes and turning colors we should never see him turn. And finally, today, Chris' mother was having some discomfort in her chest and is at St. John's for further testing. Luckily everything looks okay so far, we are thankful that she is more comfortable now. Some of Chris' extended family is has also had some difficulties, his Great Uncle Virgil. Oh, and Charlotte threw up twice last night. After receiving the phone call today, I was wondering what was going to happen next, and quickly realized I should not spend any time wondering about those things. We already had enough to worry about, I was not going to beckon more.

So, to everyone who needs a little healing right now, I pray that you receive it and peace as well.

The Hawn Family

Nurses Needed

Okay, all my nursing friends out there in blog land, Perinatal Lab, L&D, NICU, PICU.... I need YOU! We have a few days coming up where we need to leave Ryan in the care of someone other than the two of us. We need someone who is comfortable with Ryan's medical needs and I know LOTS of women out there who just happen to fulfill that requirement. We have been told to ask for what we need, and here it is. I would like for anyone who is interested in helping us to take a look at the Care Calendar or email me directly for dates and times. We especially need help the night of July 18th, a special evening that Chris and I would like to thoroughly enjoy as much as possible. If you are at all up for the challenge (since I know you are all capable), please let me know.

Thank you,
Jenn
davidson_jennifer@hotmail.com