Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This is Calm?

Tonight, I could probably ramble on about almost anything. Our day was busy and stressful today. I could try to go into detail, but know I would fall short of explaining in why it was stressful and what really happened. Sometimes I am just tired of talking about all the stressful stuff. It really doesn't make me feel better and I just have too much weighing on my heart and mind to try to put it in one entry tonight.

One thing I would like to say is that we are very thankful for our wonderful friends, neighbors, friends of friends, co-workers, family, all who are trying to ease the stress we feel on a daily basis. You know who you are and I hope that I thank each and every one of you adequately because Chris and I both know that we couldn't get through this without all of you making sure we have what we need and most importantly, have the most opportunity to be together, with our children. I am not sure if I will ever feel I have repayed the favors done for us, or said thank you enough. I know many of you out there do not want thanks or repayment of any kind, but please know, in my heart, I would return the favors done for us, ten fold. Hopefully someday, we can, if not for you directly, but to help someone else in need, thinking of the favors done for us.

We have so much we want to type about the Trivia Night, but as our last few days have been so full, crazy, exhausting and we have just been feeling drained, we want to get the entry organized and give it the attention it deserves. We hope to post soon.

Again, I have so much I am feeling right now, but the words to describe the depth of emotion we feel, high and low, seems impossible to explain tonight. Maybe that is all the explanation I must give... Please, know that our lives at times feel as though they are spinning out of control, that even the smallest task sometimes seems difficult. That we long for happiness, as we felt at the Trivia Night, and we don't know when we will ever feel that way again. Even that was bitter sweet. We communicate daily about our questions, concerns, changes we notice, things that are unpleasant, fears. They grow each day. We soak up the happy moments, only to break down when they seem too far and few in between. We may seem strong, but we feel weak tonight. We feel weak multiple times a day as we watch this disease claim the body of our son. We haven't been grabbing the camera as much lately because those moments we have with Ryan that are good, the last thing we want to do is go hunt for the camera... How does someone do this? How do we attempt to bond and get to know our son as we prepare to say goodbye? I don't know how, but we do, every day. That concept alone, brings me to my knees and leaves me speechless.

I know the past few entries have been heavy, full of emotion and resonate with the feeling of being helpless. This is truly how we feel much of the time and I cannot help needing to get that feeling out before it consumes me. I need to release it to be strong for the next day. Thank you for continuing to pray for us and for knowing that is what we need most. Only God can see us through this. I trust He will as long as we continue to lean on him, but it doesn't mean that my feelings are going to be roses and candy either. They are real and not always pleasant. I fear what is to come, knowing that as much turmoil that we are in now, may only be the calm before the storm. This roller coaster is painful and the lows are low and the highs are short lived. But, in a strange way, remind me that Ryan is still here with us and I am so thankful for each one of those highs that reminds us who Ryan is. We want to remember him in those ways and cling to those moments tighter each day.

Jenn & Family


Anonymous said...

As a mother I feel your pain, and want you to know that your entire family is in my prayer on a daily basis. Just keep relying on God's strength he will get you through this - it is so hard to believe that right now, but just try to keep holding on. Joy comes in the morning.

Stefany said...

Jenn, I will continue to pray for Ryan and your family. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.