"See"

I have had so much on my mind lately that it seems nearly impossible to sit here and type all that I am feeling. How could my emotions possibly spill onto the page adequately? I recently spoke at a Christian Women's Retreat about grief and how we leaned on God through all we had been through. My talk was only 50 minutes long and the worst part about wasn't all of the emotions involved, it was that I had SO much more to say. I could have talked much, much longer. I talked about our journey the past 5 Years... 5. Even as I told the story, I sometimes want to step back and say, "Did that really happen?" It seems just when I have shared the worst, there is more to come. As I looked around the room at the 10 women listening to me, I wondered what they must be thinking. We were all crying by the end, and it took me almost every bit of 40 minutes to just get the story out. I even left out some... about surgeries and struggles.

The rest of the time I talked, I shared some scriptures, a website that I found helpful, pictures, answered some questions, and really tried to convey that no matter how harsh and tragic the story that I just told was, my life is even more full, even without the weight of my baby in my arms. I long to hold Ryan, I long to look into his eyes, I long to see the look on his face when we meet again. But he took a piece of my heart with him and replaced that spot with the love of Jesus and the assured promises of God. My heart is more full in that way. Ryan will always have a piece, a special part of me. That is why I walk around each day feeling somewhat incomplete. But, the new, "empty" place is slowly being taken over by a love and a comfort that I didn't know existed.

The day before I went to give my "talk" to the women at the retreat, Chris told me about a c.d. that he had to get for me. I was on my way to a 31 party, and as I climbed into the car, it was sitting on my dash. I put it in for the lonesome drive over there and quickly was mesmerized by the lyrics and beauty of the music by Steven Curtis Chapman, from his c.d. Beauty Will Rise.

He has a different story, but similar to my own in that his daughter passed away at age 5. He too struggled with the grief that I know, the belief that your child is in a wonderful place but the desire to just "See" that your child is okay. He knows the pain that I know, when every bit of you wants to trust in His plan, but part of you just wants things to return to the way they were. When simple tasks didn't seem impossible and quiet hours of the day were welcomed, not dreaded. He knows the harsh reality that the rest of his life, he too will be living as if he is incomplete. But, he also knows and trusts, as I do, that some day, he and his child will be reunited. I believe this with all my heart, and this promise, from God, makes me want to be a better Christian and to really live my life for Him.

Steven Curtis Chapman's song, #3, called "See" was his reassurance. If you want to learn more about the song, you can go to this link and understand what I am talking about. His entire c.d. is beautiful and brought me to tears, one song after another, but this song particularly made me think of Ryan.

But, we have our own "See". I know I have written that I have been praying that I could "See" Ryan, similar to how Steven Curtis Chapman prayed. I also wrote to you recently about a close friend of mine who had a near death experience. I had not yet shared with you the rest of her story. She has given me permission to share this with anyone that would benefit from knowing her story, knowing I would probably write on the blog. So, I will tell you the quick story, then copy the email she sent me.

Kelly went in for a minor procedure, and just before they began, they pushed a medication that caused her to have a Grand Mal Seizure, and she coded on the OR table. It took the medical team nearly 30 minutes to stabilize Kelly, and she was then transferred to the ICU at St. John's, where the Doctors proceeded to tell her family that they didn't know if she was going to live. She miraculously did live, and thankfully had two wonderful stories to tell. The first story she shared, she told of being "held" and of feeling comforted. She said that she had a "conversation with someone, and they asked her if she was Ready?" Her reply was, "No, I have 3 young kids" and that is pretty much all she tells of that experience. If that isn't enough for you to believe in a Greater Power, then I don't know what is. I went to visit her in the ICU and we briefly talked about what happened. But, she was too ill to talk much more and said we would have to talk when she was well. A few days later, I received this email:

Hi Jenn,
Thank you so much for stopping by the other day. I know on many levels, that must have been so hard for you. It really meant a lot. I told you that day that I have something to tell you when I could talk a little easier, and hopefully without crying. Well, I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you without crying, and I'm not 100% sure that you would want to hear the "story." While I was "out" Tuesday afternoon, I had two very moving experiences. One, everyone knows about. The other, was a dream about Ryan. I resist telling you about this dream because it isn't fair that I got to see it and you didn't. However, I feel extremely selfish keeping it to myself. The dream was very brief, but beautiful. Ryan was standing at this very colorful garden/wall/art center of sorts with a few others his age. (He was standing and cruising, but not yet walking!) They had these special crayons that they were using that with just a touch would change the colors of the flowers and the butterflies. Ryan and his friends were giggling and babbling. When they were done coloring their beautiful garden, they all got to swing in this amazing swing that all six of them fit in - again more laughing and giggling! These images are so vivid in my mind, that I have to wonder about the significance of this dream on many levels. Maybe it was just a dream? Maybe it was so that I could tell you how happy, healthy, and playful that Ryan is now? I'm not really sure, but the dream and seeing Ryan's beautiful smile, those amazing eyes, gave me a strong sense of calm and peace. Your perfect son continues to be just that!

Love,
Kelly

This email moved me to the happiest tears I have cried since Ryan left us. Ryan was reaching out to us, the only way he could to say "See, I am okay". I am so sorry that Kelly had to go through such a scary experience, but she tells me today that she doesn't question it.

I am sharing all of this with you because I want you to know that each day we spend without Ryan feels like an eternity, and the time that we spent with him feels like a blink. Each day is different, some very hard for me, some I just get through, and very little am I able to look forward to right now. I am focusing on feeling that beam of light in my heart that Ryan brought with him and left for me to cling to. That smile he gave me as he "saw" the beauty of life beyond this earth. I am focusing on the wonderful promises for eternity that God has assured us with if we only open our eyes and ears to hear His word and be witness to His goodness. I am seeking comfort from the only truth that I know. I have Faith, even when my days seem dark, even when the tears keep coming, even when I ask myself "How do I do this, and can't imagine my life without our beloved son".

I want to end this entry with a poem that I came across when doing my research for the Women's Retreat.

When you've walked through the valley of the shadow of death
When you thought the worst was over and the worst is what was left
Some things he can't explain now, but by and by he will
Look up through the pain now, you will find him Deeper Still
Deeper still you will find him, deeper still than before
Deeper still goes the anchor, deeper still the ocean floor
Deeper still he has taught you, deeper still there is to go
Deeper still is the Savior, deeper still than we know.

www.grieving.org

~Jenn

Leaves & Fishing

As I was doing a Thirty-One Party on Saturday morning, Chris took Charlotte outside for some fun in the leaves and to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather we are having. She was unsure at first, but you can see that she warmed up to the idea of immersing herself in them quickly.

Chris piled them at the bottom of her clubhouse so she could slide down into them.

Obsessed with the THOUSANDS of ladybugs around.


Then, after my party, we went up to the farm to get the house ready for Deer Season next weekend. We got a lot of our work done Saturday night and were able to do some fishing and enjoy the beautiful day on Sunday.

Riding down to the pond for some fishing. Charlotte helped me steer.

Daddy caught the first and biggest fish, and it was a beauty.

Mommy giving it a try. I only caught one little one.

Fish ON!

And this was Charlotte's first experience with fishing and she did pretty good for a first timer. She was fairly patient for being 3, liked to reel in the line, but absolutely wouldn't sit there and watch the cork. Daddy says she is more of a lure fisher-woman than a bobber.

Grandpa looks good in bibs.

The Hawns

A Creative Halloween

For this Halloween, we got a little creative with Charlotte's costume. We knew it had to be good for her first trick or treating experience and we knew it had to incorporate her walker. We put our heads together and came up with a great idea...

Charlotte took part in the creation process... here she is painting her custom to fit her walker, dog house.

All Done!

The whole thing, layed out on the dining room table.

Next, our creative vibes were still flowing when we carved the pumpkin on Halloween. Let's just say, we had great inspiration.

Our flying pig design. As we first studied the design, it seemed next to impossible, but we began planning to make our pumpkin carving experience perfection.

Charlotte bravely scooped out a few guts.

Chris got to work on transferring and cutting out the design. He let me do a little, but this was definitely his "baby".

And then.... Voila!!! The pumpkin is finished, the flying pig now a reality.

It looked GREAT! I loved the way he carved out the wings and how he captured all of the detail from the original picture. Marvelous, and so special.

Later that evening, after dinner, it was time to don her costume. She was a "Pink Poodle" named "Fifi", equipped with her very own dog house/walker for trick or treating. The pink dog costume, we found at the second hand store, and I hand sewed the pink loofa's for the perfect poodle effect. We made her a tail out of a sock and stuffed it with loofa's too, and I also used ribbon to make a collar and a bow over her tail. Chris made her dog tag out of carboard and foil. She was all set for the night.

Fifi trying out her dog house.

Great pose!

Great Aunt Kelly came over for dinner, to see Charlotte in her costume and to bring her a Halloween treat. Thank you Aunt Kelly!

I didn't dress up for the evening but thought it might be fun to play around with some face paint. This is also Chris' creation as this would have been next to impossible to do myself. I had no idea he was so great at applying makeup.

Sara, Nathan and Ian also came over for dinner so we could see Ian's costume. He was the cutest little Dragon, toddling around, that I've ever seen. He and Charlotte are nearly the same size now.

Aunt Sara and Charlotte

Charlotte was being goofy and was soooo excited to have her costume on and to go trick or treating. We headed over to Pat & Kristy's.

They had the bonfire out to warm up beside and we set off down the street for some serious trick or treating. However, it was a lot harder than I had bargained for. The whole way was down hill, good for Charlotte so she doesn't get too tired, but she is such a speed deamon!! Fast wasn't fast enough, and with all of the uneven driveways and bumpy roads, it was totally a 2 person job. One of us monitored the oncoming trick or treaters while the other slowed Charlotte down and kept her from totally wiping out. Then, when we finally reached our destination, maneuvering up the sidewalk and to the door became impossible to do with the walker. Most of the time, one of us ended up taking the bucket and her hand and making our way to the door. She was brave and said trick or treat at each house (this surprised me) and had a great time. That is what mattered most.

After we had walked as far as we dared from Pat & Kristy's, it was time for the long trek back up the hill, Chris carrying Charlotte's "dog house" and candy, and me carrying Charlotte. It seemed we had traveled so far. By the time we got to their driveway, we let her stay up a bit longer to have a snack and give goodnight hugs & kisses and then it was off to bed for our little poddle. We were all tired.

Before bed, one last photo op with the kids.

All in all, a great First Halloween of trick or treating for Charlotte, and the huge smile on her face made up for the difficult time her parents had.

The Hawns

Pat & Kristy's Housewarming Party

We are so glad that Chris' brother Pat and his wife Kristy have moved very close to us recently. They are less than 10 min from our house, which makes get togethers much easier and our kids really love playing with eachother. They had a housewarming party with a Halloween theme. We all dressed up, this makes Charlotte's 3rd costume for the spooky season, only one of which was new. She and I both dressed up as Cheerleaders, me wearing my uniform from highshool.... fits a little different these days, but I still squeezed into it. Chris wore his old tennis jersey and his letter jacket. It was fun to dress up for a little while and Charlotte was very cute too. She loved the makeup I let her put on.

Jenn - Paola High School 2000

Chris - Hazelwood West High School 1999

Jeff's costume is Peter Pan and Jules was Tinkerbell

Matt, Chris' younger brother, got the award for the best costume of the night.

Sharlie & Jeff

Great picture with Uncle Matt

The Hawns

Danielle's Nursery

Pat, Kristy, Jeff and Jules joined us for some Fall Fun at Danielle's Nursery. We all had such a great time and got all of our fun in just before it decided to rain that day. Here are some great pictures of the kids. They speak for themselves.

At the end of the day, after we had gone home, I told Chris that I thought Ryan was with us today. I think that when we are happy, he is happy, and he was right there by our side today.

The Hawns

Trunk Or Treat at FUMC

The weekend before Halloween, we took Charlotte to our church's Fall Celebration and she got to trick or treat in the parking lot. We had her wear her costume from last year because this year's costume was being saved for Halloween night and it was a secret!

The back of our car, decorated for the "Trunk or Treat"
Sara, Nathan and Ian also came to the program.

Minnie, still fits in her costume from last year. She really is our minnie

Digging in for some candy

We had a great time and enjoyed Charlotte's ability to be more independent for her first year of trick or treating.

The Hawns