As this day draws to a close, I don't want it to end. This is supposed to be one of the worst days of my life, and in many ways it is. However, the only moment I can think of that was sweeter than the moment Ryan took his first breathe in this world, was the moment he took his last.
We had been told by the Wings nurses that we have been depending on for guidance and reassurance that we "would know". I didn't understand what that meant, but last night, we knew. We knew it was time to scoop up our tired son and hold and rock him as we handed his strong spirit over to God. This moment confused me. I thought I would feel angry, frustrated, that I would ache and want to scream. Somehow, as he was ready to return Home and take Jesus' hand, a peace came over me. I prayed for Ryan, sang to him, clung to my husband, let the tears fall and my arms feel the heaviness of his body. I wasn't full of this tension that I feared, I was calm and coherent, for Ryan and because I knew that moment was one I would never want to forget, as painful as it was.
And then, just when I thought he had already breathed his last breath, a smile, larger than any smile we had seen for weeks, came across his perfect little lips and cheeks. His lungs filled with their last aching breath, and he was at peace too. I think to myself that he must have seen something so amazing, so beautiful. He must have felt something so powerful and good. A moment like this, is a true testament to the power of our Eternal Father. A moment so intimate and pure that will only be likened, hopefully, to the day when God calls me home to Him and I witness the glory of Heaven myself.
Ryan is Home again, waiting and watching over our family. He has always been God's angel, lent to us here on earth for such a short while but for such a huge purpose. He has given us all a greater understanding of what love is. We will always be a family of 4 in my heart. Your prayers are all felt, the strength you send our way is lifting us up as we lean on each other and our Faith in God's plan. Many of you have asked what you can do for us. I ask you to help us keep his memory alive. Please, don't ever feel you shouldn't say his name or mention him when you are with us. We may cry and it may hurt, but he is our baby forever and his memory will be with us forever. We will celebrate his life here on earth, but more so the Eternal Life he now has in Heaven. He is more full of life and vibrance than ever... He has a voice, can breathe deeply, can move freely and now has no limits. Perfect.
We will post service arrangements tomorrow evening.