So many thoughts over the last few days, I almost don't know where to start typing. Chris and I are trying so hard to make it through these times, but some days are just harder than others.
Although our anniversary was such a wonderful day, some of my frustration began that night. We were given the opportunity to go out together as my mother and Tina (Charlotte's OT) stayed with the kids. They took on (bravely) the challenge of taking care of the two of them and all the bedtime routine entails. There were many funny stories from the evening, but all in all the kids did great and neither mom or Tina said they wouldn't come back. Phew... Leaving them and being away wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, probably because they told us Ryan went to sleep easily. He was the one we were worried about, so that made the evening easier to enjoy. So, on with the story.
At dinner, we were at a table of 2 other couples at a Japanese Steakhouse (my favorite). We were enjoying the evening, everyone discussing why they were there tonight. The 2 other couples were seated at the other end of the table from us, so we weren't involved in most of the conversation until everyone started piping up about celebrating their wedding anniversaries. Well, we wanted to share in this joy since we were too, and there aren't too many things right now that we feel like sharing with total strangers, but that was one of them. Quickly, the conversation turned to children. Both couples exchanging stories, commenting on how fast they grow up, the two of us sitting there, pretending. Pretending for their sake or protection from the difficult things they didn't want to know about our children. We nodded our heads in agreement when they said "girls are more difficult than boys" and "cherish them, they grow up so fast". They had no idea how much their words hurt.
I wished there was a stamp on my forehead. I am tired of putting on the fake smile and tired of covering up the tears that well up in my eyes. But, I also don't want to tell every stranger I meet the heartbreaking story that I have to share or every detail about why my day was bad. I know I am not alone, and people everywhere are experiencing difficult times, similar or different to my own, and we are all sensitive in different ways. It is unrealistic for me to expect to never get hurt or to feel this way. I just wish that somehow, there was a quiet way to tell people to be sensitive to our situation without having to blurt it out and leave myself vulnerable and open for questions.
Jenn
2 comments:
This never gets easier. I've dealt with it too. When people ask how many children I have and I tell them 4, sometimes they will leave it at that, and sometimes they ask ages. The sting of the look on their face when I tell them that I have 3 living children and one that passed away doesn't hurt anymore. In the beginning, I hated them for telling me how sorry they were. I hated that this had to be "my story". Why couldn't my story be like everyone else's. You aren't alone, there are "strangers" that understand every bit what it feels like when someone tells you to cherish every minute you have and how fast they grow. You aren't alone Jenn, while I have no idea what it must be like for you right now, I don't have to think hard to imagine what is in your future, that I know the feelings of. I pray for you all daily. I wish had magic words to help some how but I don't. There just doesn't seem to be any. I'm sorry for that. If it's any help, I think you are one of the best Mom's I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
I hear your pain. I wish you didn't have to have this stamp. I am sure going out in public would be hard. I hope I don't offend anyone in saying, that when I am out in public or listening to a conversation, I too want to yell at people for being so naive and ignorant. I feel compelled to tell people your story and Deb's story. Not to be a downer, but to put reality in their minds as to what could happen and what would you do. I Truly hear you and hate you are going through this, it is really unfair. Just keep on keeping on my friend. Be strong for your babies. Love ya, Chaney
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