So many thoughts over the last few days, I almost don't know where to start typing. Chris and I are trying so hard to make it through these times, but some days are just harder than others.
Although our anniversary was such a wonderful day, some of my frustration began that night. We were given the opportunity to go out together as my mother and Tina (Charlotte's OT) stayed with the kids. They took on (bravely) the challenge of taking care of the two of them and all the bedtime routine entails. There were many funny stories from the evening, but all in all the kids did great and neither mom or Tina said they wouldn't come back. Phew... Leaving them and being away wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, probably because they told us Ryan went to sleep easily. He was the one we were worried about, so that made the evening easier to enjoy. So, on with the story.
At dinner, we were at a table of 2 other couples at a Japanese Steakhouse (my favorite). We were enjoying the evening, everyone discussing why they were there tonight. The 2 other couples were seated at the other end of the table from us, so we weren't involved in most of the conversation until everyone started piping up about celebrating their wedding anniversaries. Well, we wanted to share in this joy since we were too, and there aren't too many things right now that we feel like sharing with total strangers, but that was one of them. Quickly, the conversation turned to children. Both couples exchanging stories, commenting on how fast they grow up, the two of us sitting there, pretending. Pretending for their sake or protection from the difficult things they didn't want to know about our children. We nodded our heads in agreement when they said "girls are more difficult than boys" and "cherish them, they grow up so fast". They had no idea how much their words hurt.
I wished there was a stamp on my forehead. I am tired of putting on the fake smile and tired of covering up the tears that well up in my eyes. But, I also don't want to tell every stranger I meet the heartbreaking story that I have to share or every detail about why my day was bad. I know I am not alone, and people everywhere are experiencing difficult times, similar or different to my own, and we are all sensitive in different ways. It is unrealistic for me to expect to never get hurt or to feel this way. I just wish that somehow, there was a quiet way to tell people to be sensitive to our situation without having to blurt it out and leave myself vulnerable and open for questions.