Friday, June 26, 2009


You wouldn't think something so simple could become so complicated. Literally, I am feeling trapped in this house. I hate it even more that Ryan is trapped too. I know many people out there would tell me it isn't worth it to be outside anyway since it is SOOO stink'n hot, but I would love to be able to make that decision for myself, or at least complain with the rest of you how hot it is. Another summer is going to pass me by, just as it did when I was on bedrest the entire summer in 2006. I hated it when people tell me "you wouldn't want to be out here anyway!" How do they know what I want? I want to feel the summer heat, it is just an example of "normalcy" that I am lacking right now.

I had some errands to do lately, gifts to buy, needed some Silk for Charlotte. I kept wondering when I would be able to go out and do them. In order for me to do so, one of us has to be here with Ryan. So, last night, after Chris got home, we ate dinner, gave baths, read to the kids and got them both in bed, I was finally able to leave the house... after 8PM... alone. Part of me enjoyed being alone, blaring the radio, having my thoughts to myself (good and bad) and just feeling the warmth of the humid St. Louis air. It didn't feel quite as normal or good as it should, but is as close as I am going to get for a while. I missed my husband in the car with me, I hated that I had to go alone, at night and try to integrate myself into society... pretend my life is simple and that all I had on my mind was what color of shirt to buy. My mind was cluttered with so much more...

While I was gone, Chris called with problems getting Ryan to settle down, crying in the background. I felt bad, for Chris that I wasn't there to help, and for Ryan that he couldn't peacefully fall asleep. I felt bad for leaving and for being glad that I was gone.

On the way home, I had so much tension inside. I wanted to do something to get it out and all I have lately seems to be the power of the speakers in my car. I somehow resist the temptation to put the pedal to the metal and am able to get some of my frustration out with music. I wish I had other outlets, but I am sure that none of them would help to the degree that I need them to.

I am missing spending time with my family doing family things. Just 3-4 weeks ago, we took Ryan to the store with us and now, we only take him out if it is absolutely necessary. We can't even take walks anymore because it is too hot for him. And the alternative, that would allow us out together, I don't want to happen any time soon. Because then, we won't be together either and I will be dealing with tension and sadness on a much greater level than this. How will we handle this? How will we move on when this is over? How will we integrate our lives and continue living? I am scared of not knowing how to go on.

I guess it is something that you just figure out and deal with day to day for a long time. I hope that Chris and I are able to be strong enough for eachother now and in the future. That we are able to recognize the other's needs even when they don't recognize them themselves.

My heart is heavy with these thoughts.



Heather Miller said...


I work with Sara in the NICU...and while I don't know her well, I was so saddened to hear about your beautiful Ryan. I just wanted you to know that you have another family praying so strongly for you and your entire family.

Elizabeth said...

I do the same thing... go to Wal-Mart after 8pm (kids' bedtimes). It feels so freeing, but also so lonely and tiring too.

You probably pass by my house on your way to Wal-Mart. Let me know, and next time I'll go with you so you don't have to go alone! You can get anything you want at the new Wal-Mart. I'll even sit and eat Subway with you, and do grocery shopping. Like a little girls' night out!