Thursday, April 14, 2011

Hawn Household

Ticking the days by has never been more satisfying, than when I was in the hospital with Charlotte. When pregnant with Ryan, I didn't really think too much about him being born prematurely (I was naive), but after having had 2 babies come at 34 weeks, I am just praying to make it that far this time. Yesterday was the beginning of my 7th month! (28 weeks), and am thrilled to be done with that scary period between 24-28 weeks. The time when the baby could survive, but would likely have many problems. Now, March Of Dimes, I know I am not out of the woods as far as that goes yet, and I am very much a supporter of more time in the belly is better, just saying that I am glad to be out of the "scary" time. So, my greatest job for the next 6 weeks is keeping this kiddo happy inside. I have continued to struggle with "taking it easy", and for some odd reason, I just keep playing the denial card. It is almost that I won't even believe that this pregnancy has even occurred until I hold this new sweet little baby in my arms. My mind often daydreams to when that will be, when we discover if this is a sister for Charlotte, or another little brother. I am instantly stirred with emotion at the thought of meeting this baby, knowing how hard that moment will be, and how much I need to just let myself love this child with everything I have and not hold back. I have been holding back, not to my detriment, and hopefully not to the babies, but just to protect myself from a hurt I have felt so deeply. It is so difficult to put these feelings into words, and this is my poor attempt. But, this child is deeply loved, and I am looking forward to, but also scared of the day when he/she is born. I just can't imagine how I will feel, and wonder if a lot of the pain I have been holding in since we found out that Ryan would not live, will be unleashed. I have stifled many tears, and held back much sobbing in my grieving process, for the sake of trying to keep it together. That moment may be healing in many ways... No wonder I am in denial?? I don't want all of that to surface again, but know that it probably will. All in all, we are preparing for the baby's arrival, the room is mostly "ready" and we have most everything we need. It is more about the mental preparation this time. Working on that day by day. We have also had some recent concerns related to Charlotte that will be addressed more thoroughly in the next few months. She is having some major problems with potty/pooping training, and our greatest fears related to her tethered spinal cord may be a reality. Before jumping to conclusions, and writing off her ability to ever learn to poop & pee on the potty, we are seeking more help from a urologist, and hoping that she just needs more time. She has yet to communicate any need to use the bathroom to us, and is unable to keep her pants clean for any length of time. Absolutely no signs that she is aware of the need to go, or that she can control when she goes. So, more Dr. appointments, more "procedures" to try to put a few more pieces of her puzzle together. This has got to be one of those really hard 3-D puzzles... Charlotte is making excellent progress in many other ways. She is no longer a walking machine, but a running & jumping machine! Everyone, including us, can't get enough of her beautiful smile and her zest for life. I have always known she had a will to be here, and she shows me everyday just how much she is going to live life to it's fullest. We just want to support her in every way that we can to give her all of the opportunities she deserves. Needing prayers for the next couple of months, for her strength and ours. Can't wait to share news of our newest arrival with you all, but will hopefully wait at least 6 more weeks!!! The Hawns


Joni Sampel said...

Jenn.. My thoughts and prayers are continued for your little family. You deserve this, to have a wonder pregnancy and a baby to love. Don't be so hard on yourself. When we lost our daughter, having Abigail was both my saving grace, and my breaking point. It was so hard at first, I was a nervous wreck, always worrying and I found it a little hard to bond with her at first, but somewhere in there that little girl became everything to me, and she won my heart three times over. It will be the same for you. I will also continue to pray for miss Charlotte. I think she is just a little behind in the potty training business. As I mentioned before we have a little girl at daycare who turned 4 in January, and she still shows NO signs of using the potty, and still won't let anyone know when she need to go, and she is severaly developmentally and mentally behind her age group. So I have hope that Charlotte is just taking her time, this potty thing is big business and you just want to get it right. LOL

Anonymous said...

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.