Thursday, July 8, 2010

Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Been Blogging...

10. Charlotte has therapy 2 nights a week
9. Dinner is an hour long event (just eating) and we only get to spend a total of 2-3 hours with Charlotte between picking her up for school and bedtime
8. Must spend some time playing with our daughter!
7. I only have 4 weeks of class left!
6. Which means I am spending my free time studying... (I have a registry exam to take for ultrasound Physics in the next 2 months)
5. When I am not in class, or working, I am at clinicals
4. We remodeled our bathroom... (need I say more)
3. I am not sure I have cleaned house at all in the past few months... so I can't claim that as a reason I'm not blogging, but just keeping up with dirty dishes has been challenging enough
2. We need to keep our marriage going with some quality time spent together/vegging too
1. I'm avoiding it...

Explanation for reason #1. Life for me right now is hard. Really hard. I knew that anniversaries of "events" was going to be tough, but this time of year takes the cake. I try so hard to stare deep into Ryan's picture everyday, of our handsome sweet little boy, but that beautiful picture cannot erase the vivid memories in my mind of countless hours spent praying for him as he cried, as he crashed right before our eyes... Those moments were frequent this time of year, and I can tie one of his "episodes" into nearly everyday right now... Up until he was granted the peace that only those who rise to heaven understand. Ryan is right were he needs to be, but I miss him oh so much and want to wipe out the painful memories I have of him this time of year.

It is hard for me to even fathom that it has been a year. It has passed so quickly, and this time last year, a minute felt like an eternity at times. We were living moment by moment, taking in what really was important to us. Snuggling our children, loving eachother and being thankful for each happy moment that we shared. As I have watched this year pass so quickly, it makes me sad to think that so much of it was just "getting through it" and I have been upset that we haven't had more opportunity to slow down and soak up what really matters as we did when Ryan was sick. We all take what we have for granted and coming from a moment in my life when each minute was precious, to a year that whizzed right by... I need a happy medium. Happy, may be the key term there.

Tonight, I spent a few moments, tucking Charlotte in bed, laying with her in the dark, rubbing her back, telling her about how I rocked her when she was a little baby, every night. We said prayers, and then ended up giggling together. Those moments are the ones that keep me going, drive me to accept what has happened and continue on to the next days challenges and joys. But when I am so busy that I don't take the time to do that, or even blog, as I haven't been, my heart grows weak.

I also fear blogging these days. My pain is still very real, and hits me harder at times that take me by surprise. I am not sure anyone wants to read this blog for the reason that I need to write on it. Again, I sort out my head, listen to my heart, and pour it out on the pages. It isn't all pretty, it isn't all fuzzy and warm, and I don't really enjoy making others sad too. I would much rather blog about happy, carefree times. But, that isn't all that is there. There is more. So I am caught between trying to make those who read it happy and reassured, knowing deep down that the real me woud rather just pour it all out there. Again, I need to find a balance. One that doesn't currently exist.

I haven't gone back and read any of my entries from last year. I am not sure that I will be able to for a very long time. But, there is a distinct cutoff somewhere between Oct. and Jan. that I quit spilling onto the pages, I think with the fear that no one really wanted to know what I had to say... I had hurt everyone enough. I guess I have been trying to protect those that do read this blog from the pain that is still so fresh to me. A natural thing to do I suppose.

So what I am trying to say is, I miss blogging, need to blog, and want to continue to say what is REALLY on my mind and not just try to paint the picture I think others want to see. And this time of year hurts more than I knew it could.

We do have many things to be thankful and happy about, and those entries are coming too. But tonight, I just needed to be honest, with you and me.

~Jenn

7 comments:

Rachel said...

I have followed your blog since hearing about you from Danielle at Extraordinary Mommy. For some reason, your family really touched me. I have been praying for you over the last year and am sorry to hear that things are so difficult. My heart still breaks thinking about what you have had to endure. I think it is important to do whatever helps you even if that means sad and uncomfortable blog posts. Grieving is different for everyone. Do what feels right for you. I will continue to pray for you and your family that you find some peace and comfort, especially at this difficult time of year.

dickinsonfamily said...

I think so many people follow this blog because we care about you and your family, Jenn. We follow because what we CAN do to help, is pray. I would always like to know how you are doing, and in what specific areas of your life you could use prayers and uplifting. I have been thinking of you this month, and know the days leading up to the 28th will be so hard on you and Chris. I know you will always find a way to hold onto the joy, and give the rest over to God. We love you guys bunches.
-Sarah

The Smith Family said...

Let it out, Jenn. I pray for you every night as I put my kids to sleep and sometimes have Nathan help me pray too. It is always a generic prayer for your strength to get through each day and watch over you all, but like Sarah said, I too would love to know specific areas that I can help pray for you. It may make us sad to read what you are going through, but we all read your blog because we want to help you through good and bad, ups and downs, happy and sad. That's what friends are for...so my shoulder is open, lean on it, let it out, tell us what is in your heart.

Much love to you guys!!
Amber

Anonymous said...

I haven't checked your blog in a while with a busy schedule as well. I love to read how you are doing, and my greatest concern right now is that you can stop feeling obligated to make your journal/blog something for someone else. It is a wonderful tool for YOU, and if others choose to read, that is their decision. Please don't temper what you need to hear yourself write/say/feel. No one has been in yours and Chris' shoes. You are not obliged to put on a happy face when things are hard. We're here b/c we love you, and it helps me know how to pray for you, as well as enjoying celebrating beautiful times for you. Make it what you want for YOU. I read your beautiful entries and sat with tears soaking my face. I am so sorry for your heartache. Love you, Anne

Elizabeth said...

I was just thinking about you today, when I was dropping my son off for Mothers Day Out at your church. I think of you almost every time I am there, since it's where I first met you for Ryan's funeral. Today, I was wondering how you were doing since I hadn't read anything from you in a while. And then I checked my blog feeds and you recently posted! :)

I don't comment much on your blog anymore, because I know it's kind of weird since I don't really know you in person. But I read every post!

I wanted to come out of lurking and ask you to PLEASE post what you're really feeling. No one wants to read a pretty-painted picture of what life *should* be like. We want to hear the truth, whether it's happy or sad. Sharing your true feelings is what keeps you real. NOT sharing your true feelings would be a disservice to Ryan and your family.

Keep being honest and real. Working through your grief helps others work through theirs!

I'll go back to lurking now... :)

Zehr_Family said...

I find it helpful to know that someone else is having hard days and sad days! I know there are lots of people out there that don't write, blog, about their days at all and I often wonder how they get thru those times. In reading your entries, whether sad or happy, I get some help with how to deal with my life and the problems. I too pray for you and I like being able to read about the areas you need more prayer for. I too don't know you personally but have learned so much from you in your blogs. I feel like I can call you my friend and at times my therapist...LOL!! Don't 'sugar coat' anything, just get it out and let us pray for you and your family for those needs and let us rejoice in your triumphs no matter how small. Thank you Jen!!!

maggie dixon said...

write as much as you want, as much as you need, and hold back what you want and what you need. I can speak for myself and say I may not be able to know what you are going through, but what I can do, is I can listen and read and be there for you.

Maggie