10. Charlotte has therapy 2 nights a week
9. Dinner is an hour long event (just eating) and we only get to spend a total of 2-3 hours with Charlotte between picking her up for school and bedtime
8. Must spend some time playing with our daughter!
7. I only have 4 weeks of class left!
6. Which means I am spending my free time studying... (I have a registry exam to take for ultrasound Physics in the next 2 months)
5. When I am not in class, or working, I am at clinicals
4. We remodeled our bathroom... (need I say more)
3. I am not sure I have cleaned house at all in the past few months... so I can't claim that as a reason I'm not blogging, but just keeping up with dirty dishes has been challenging enough
2. We need to keep our marriage going with some quality time spent together/vegging too
1. I'm avoiding it...
Explanation for reason #1. Life for me right now is hard. Really hard. I knew that anniversaries of "events" was going to be tough, but this time of year takes the cake. I try so hard to stare deep into Ryan's picture everyday, of our handsome sweet little boy, but that beautiful picture cannot erase the vivid memories in my mind of countless hours spent praying for him as he cried, as he crashed right before our eyes... Those moments were frequent this time of year, and I can tie one of his "episodes" into nearly everyday right now... Up until he was granted the peace that only those who rise to heaven understand. Ryan is right were he needs to be, but I miss him oh so much and want to wipe out the painful memories I have of him this time of year.
It is hard for me to even fathom that it has been a year. It has passed so quickly, and this time last year, a minute felt like an eternity at times. We were living moment by moment, taking in what really was important to us. Snuggling our children, loving eachother and being thankful for each happy moment that we shared. As I have watched this year pass so quickly, it makes me sad to think that so much of it was just "getting through it" and I have been upset that we haven't had more opportunity to slow down and soak up what really matters as we did when Ryan was sick. We all take what we have for granted and coming from a moment in my life when each minute was precious, to a year that whizzed right by... I need a happy medium. Happy, may be the key term there.
Tonight, I spent a few moments, tucking Charlotte in bed, laying with her in the dark, rubbing her back, telling her about how I rocked her when she was a little baby, every night. We said prayers, and then ended up giggling together. Those moments are the ones that keep me going, drive me to accept what has happened and continue on to the next days challenges and joys. But when I am so busy that I don't take the time to do that, or even blog, as I haven't been, my heart grows weak.
I also fear blogging these days. My pain is still very real, and hits me harder at times that take me by surprise. I am not sure anyone wants to read this blog for the reason that I need to write on it. Again, I sort out my head, listen to my heart, and pour it out on the pages. It isn't all pretty, it isn't all fuzzy and warm, and I don't really enjoy making others sad too. I would much rather blog about happy, carefree times. But, that isn't all that is there. There is more. So I am caught between trying to make those who read it happy and reassured, knowing deep down that the real me woud rather just pour it all out there. Again, I need to find a balance. One that doesn't currently exist.
I haven't gone back and read any of my entries from last year. I am not sure that I will be able to for a very long time. But, there is a distinct cutoff somewhere between Oct. and Jan. that I quit spilling onto the pages, I think with the fear that no one really wanted to know what I had to say... I had hurt everyone enough. I guess I have been trying to protect those that do read this blog from the pain that is still so fresh to me. A natural thing to do I suppose.
So what I am trying to say is, I miss blogging, need to blog, and want to continue to say what is REALLY on my mind and not just try to paint the picture I think others want to see. And this time of year hurts more than I knew it could.
We do have many things to be thankful and happy about, and those entries are coming too. But tonight, I just needed to be honest, with you and me.