Monday, May 17, 2010

Mother's Day Weekend

What beautiful children God has blessed us with.

We spent the weekend with my family mostly. I don't get to spend a lot of time with them, so it was great going to Grant's Farm and spending time together. This year was understandably difficult for me, as much of my memories from last year, with Ryan and Charlotte, flooded my mind. We spent Mother's Day in the PICU with Ryan last year, and took Charlotte to the park together for a brief outting from the hospital. It is hard to believe that an entire year has passed since those days. Many times, I still would like to freeze time so I can hang on to the memories I have.

Mother's Day last year, I remember holding Ryan for hours that morning, him pooping in my hand since he was on antibiotics and I was trying to change his diaper and got a surprise, not being sure if we should leave the hospital to take Charlotte to the park, but knowing we needed to. I remember trying to soak in the moments I had with him, as each day before, wondering just how much time I had left, yet not wanting to know the answer to that question. I was scared, very scared, clinging to the beautiful little baby staring back at me, or snuggling next to my chest. Ryan. These days, I am thankful for dreamfilled slumbers where he and I get to play together and I hold him there. I am thankful for those times and yearn for more when each dream ends. I tell myself, Jesus will call me home someday too, and I know that Ryan will be there to greet me.

And then Charlotte, hugs me for the both of them. Her sweet puckered kisses and pressured squeezes are for the both of them. The day I received the "nurse of the month" award, I was missing Ryan a lot. I drove straight to his grave after leaving the hospital that day, tears spilling over my cheeks the entire way. As I kneeled at his grave, Charlotte played with a windmill spinner that Grandma and Grandpa Hawn placed there (for Charlotte, they tell me). She was enamored with it, then suddenly stopped playing with it and walked right to me to give me a long, much needed hug, without prompt or request. She made me sigh, and laugh, and sigh and cry, and then says to me, "Mommy, I love you". So soft and gentle, as if Ryan was whispering it to me from her lips. As we parted our embrace, she knelt beside me and said "We love our Buddy Boy (our nickname for Ryan) and we love Jesus too". Her words pure, true and ever so meaningful to me. Charlotte is truly a blessing from God, for so many reasons.

My sister, Great Grandma Pool & Mother

sweet kisses

helping me open the gift she got me

I love the unsure smile on her face in this picture. Really, she just wanted to get down and play, but obliged for one more photo with Mom. She made this craft at school, and it says "I love you bunches"

This Mother's Day was a tough one to get through, but somehow, I know that being a Ryan's and Charlotte's mother is a job God defninitely called me to do. Thank God for the blessing of children, they are the most precious gift and have changed my life forever.

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