Yesterday, I was really missing Ryan. Chris and I are still trying to fit together the puzzle pieces of our life and try to decide which direction we should be traveling, all the while trying to listen and be open to any subtle cues from God to help us. We feel many decisions that are ahead of us are decisions we do not want to make, but must. Many times, I just feel completely overwhelmed by them. Yesterday, as I was feeling this overwhelmed feeling, over and over again, my mind always turns to Ryan. I think of how much I love him, miss him, want him. He completed our lives when he was born and without him here, a void, larger than the sea, has been left in our lives.
As we were getting ready to relax for the evening last night, I said to Chris, "I miss him so much, I just wish I knew he was right here with us. That he knew what we were doing, how much we miss him, how much I still love him (so deeply)"
We went to bed around 11:00 pm. At 3:00, I heard Charlotte whimpering a little bit and I went to check on her. She peacefully fell back asleep and so did I. Then, at 4:38 am, I awoke, feeling as if my heart wanted to burst and tears began streaming from my eyes. I just had a dream of RYAN!!! I could hardly contain the joy inside me and as Chris stirred next to me, I was thankful I didn't have to wake him up to tell him about the dream. (**This is only the second dream I had ever had of Ryan, both occurred at 4:30 am**)
My dream began with him as a little baby, me knowing quite well that he was very, very sick. I had to take Charlotte somewhere, and decided to bring him with me. Although he was sick, I remember NO tubes, machines, wires, feeding tubes, nothing on his beautiful precious face. He was in an infant seat. I took Charlotte where she needed to be and then went to find a room to get him out of his carrier. As I got him out (I was at SJMMC, the hospital where I work), I cradled him gently, thinking to myself, "he may die right here, right now". Then, I went to get a warm wash cloth for his face, and his eyes popped wide open! He smiled, he cooed, he smiled some more, showing of his adorable chubby cheeks and staring deep into my eyes with his. I was overjoyed, in disbelief. I felt him in my arms and held him so closely, looking into his blue eyes and so thankful for the moment. All of a sudden, my sister was with me, in the room. She and I were joyful together, in tears, so happy that Ryan was feeling good. Then, he seemed to start aging. I set him down on a bed, and he was trying to crawl forward. He almost toppled off the bed and my sister caught him. A pillow was in his way, so I moved the pillow. Then another obstacle, and I moved it too. Lovingly, I said to my sister "Can you see? I will do anything for him". He began to age even more, and then slowly after that, I woke up and sobbed.
Ryan heard my plee yesterday. That dream was such a sweet gift from my beautiful, happy and very full of life, little boy. I don't usually get up in the middle of the night to write things down. But as I lay in bed, I was afraid I would forget the details of the dream. I whispered to Chris, I want to go write it down, and he said "you should". So here I am, at 5:05 am, finished explaining what just happened and so glad I did. The joy in my heart right now is immeasurable. If I could share this feeling with everyone that is missing him just as we are, I would. Just pray, and know somewhere out there, he knows exactly what we are doing and how much we love him, forever.
I love you Ryan. Thank you.