I haven't had any sad/depressing posts on here in a while. I used to have many things to post about that puzzled me and frustrated me. Not that all of my frustration has magically dissolved, but I think we have had many more positive moments that make the difficult ones a little easier to handle. But.... yes, but. Today was an exception, and I feel the need to share. So, your choice to read my frustration blog of the day, or skip.
Today was like most Mondays. I got up, let Charlotte sleep in a little since we had a very busy weekend. Only, at some point, I forgot she was having OT in our house today and got a phone call from her therapist "I'm 2 minutes aways". Luckily I was up, but Charlotte wasn't. Here begins my quick panic to get her up, dressed and ready to start her day. As the therapist was here, we worked on all kinds of things and she asked me all kinds of questions, some of which I felt I had a less than adequate answer for.
putting socks on
pulling pants on
spinning on rotary board and following objects with eyes for vestibular stimulation
getting up to chair with stool (with assistance)
drinking from cup with straw
modifying food to make eating "better"
putting weight on arm to control the sometimes out of control arms (if you know Charlotte, you
know exactly what I'm talking about)
getting down from chair (with assistance)
walking with walker
putting thera-togs on (more explanation later) to help with body awareness
standing to look at pictures on digital frame
In the middle of all of this, me scrounging to clean and find things we needed, a phone call, Charlotte pooped and needed changed, was very clingy after we put the theratogs on and the dog threw up on the floor.
I felt like the list was endless, all of which occured in approximately 1 1/2 hours. When the therapist left... I called Chris and I began to sob.
I had never felt so inadequate to care for my daughter. I felt that I simply coudn't match up to all that this therapist could and was doing for my daughter. She had a solution or suggestion for nearly everything that we did today, a way I could improve or do something better than I already was. (Mind you, this IS her job and she is very good at it, and at no point was anything she said rude or degrading). Me and my pregnancy hormones were raging more than usual today, and I felt completely overwhelmed. I felt it impossible to do EVERYTHING she was suggesting EVERYDAY as I strive to do. Not to mention, following and doing all of the suggestions from the other 4 therapists we see. And, on top of that, trying to imagine how I am still going to give Charlotte all she needs with a newborn baby in my arms. It was just too much.
At some point, after hanging up the phone with Chris and cleaning up the tornado of a morning that had just occured, I pulled myself back together. I am still unsure how I am going to make it all work. I want to do everything I can to help Charlotte every day, but boy is it a grueling task. I never knew I would feel like I had to learn how to be a good mother. It is something I thought would come naturally to me, but with Charlotte, I have to learn so much about how to help her the most. The Love comes natural and that is something I do not feel inadequate about, but knowing what to do for her and what is best for her isn't always like writing on the wall. And to have someone who knows what is best more than you does hurt sometimes...
Especially when that is your one desire is to help her succeed and grow.
I have been very anxious about our upcoming appointment with Charlotte's neurologist on Monday. I want help, I want answers, I want someone to tell me what we need to do for Charlotte to make her grow and stop her from "flailing" her arms with excitement and to help her sit still and coordinate her movements so she can walk and do other activities. I wish there was an easy fix, and there isn't. And the things we are doing are helping, but take oh so much effort and patience day in and day out. We have been having so much more fun with Charlotte, especially as she is talking so much and communicating so much better with us, but I know we both are waiting for the "physical breakthrough". I am not sure when or if that will happen. It is impossible to know. But, we'll keep working and doing whatever anyone will tell us.
In the mean time, I need to find some way to process and come up with a plan on how to handle so much with my arms full of a new baby. I am sure that the hormone situation may worsen before it gets better, and I am going to be overwhelmed at times. But, this is our life. And truthfully, I wouldn't change it. It just takes me by surprise sometimes.