Halfway There

First, the news everyone has been wanting me to share, yes, the pregnancy is going well!! We have chosen not to find out the gender of the baby, saving the best surprise for last. The due date is July 6, putting me right at 20 weeks now. This little cutie is growing well, thankfully has it's cerebellum (the part of the brain Charlotte is missing), and gives me little love taps throughout the day. Chris has even already felt our newest little miracle from the outside. The greatest wish we have for him/her is health and a safe delivery, whenever that will be. As I have delivered 2 babies at 34 weeks, we can only hope to make it that far, or further. I have been trying to do my part by "listening" to my body more and resting when I can. With Ryan, I just didn't think we would deliver early, and we did, so this time, I am taking things more seriously. The last thing we want is another child in the NICU... for any reason.

So, here is our little cutie, so anxious to know what he/she will look like, as we have had a boy and a girl now. What features will this little one have of the two of them? of us? One of the funnest things to see when the baby is born and changes so much in the first few months. Charlotte is over the moon about the idea of a baby in our house. She has been practicing her "mommy skills", playing with her babies a lot and mimicking anything related to caring for an infant. So cute to watch! She really is so sweet, and has adamantly told us that this is going to be a baby girl... we will see how correct her predictive skills are. Either way, I know she will be very excited to be a big sister, boy or girl. Seeing how sweet she is with her dolls brings me to tears, as I remember the unconditional, instant love she had for her brother, Ryan. I watch her, imagining her with this little baby, and emotions flood through me. So glad that she will have that experience again, and the love of a sibling.

All of the good news out of the way, I must be completely honest with why my writing has taken a recent hiatus. I have been scared, selfish, unsure, and in a way, wanting to distance myself from the love for this baby that has crept inside my heart. I love this baby more than words could explain, but much of me has been wanting to protect myself from loving something so much that could still be taken away from me. Especially the first few months were harder than I had imagined. I was in denial, waiting for something to go wrong, something to happen to the baby. Now that we have had our 20 week ultrasound and all looks well, it has been easier for me to breathe, and cling to this little life fully as I have wanted to from the beginning. It may seem as though I should be clinging to it even more because we have lost a baby, but defense mechanisms kick in, and when you have experienced a hurt as deep as losing your beautiful little boy, it is mere self defense. Last time I wrote, I eluded to some of this, but the more time that passed, the harder things got. I kept waiting... for bad news. But, here we are. Still going strong, and the days that pass now help me realize that this dream may come true after all.

I say that I am selfish, not because I have not written, but because I need to share our blessings, with anyone who wants to read about them. They are from our Heavenly Father, and should be celebrated and rejoiced. How wonderful that He has seen it fit to bless us with this baby. How wonderful that Charlotte is doing Fantastic, that she melts my heart each day, that we had our son Ryan to bring such joy and deepened understanding of what life is really about. What it truly means to love, each other and to know how deeply God loves us. To feel His heavenly presence here on earth, and to see his blessing in the eyes of our children. Blessed, we are.

Jenn