Monday, August 10, 2009


Chris and I wanted to say thank you again to people who sent money to donate to Families of SMA, for people who sent gifts and for the flowers for Ryan's funeral service. So far, we are going to be sending FSMA at least $2000 and there is still money coming in.
After the funeral, Baue took some of the flowers to the burial site and then brought the rest to our home the next day. This is a picture of Ryan's grave site later that week, some of the flowers still pretty thanks to the mild summer days at the time. The ring of flowers on the top was from my mother, his casket flowers were blue delphinia, blue hydrangea, and white roses. Then, there was a large white delphinia cross, sitting behind his casket during the funeral service. If you find it strange that I am typing all of this, it is because I don't want to forget it. I always want to remember how beautiful the church was decorated in celebration of our son's precious life here with us.
This is a temporary marker until we select the real one. They can make them very individualized these days so we are going to make sure we decide on just how we want it to look. They also don't place the marker for at least 4 months so the ground has a chance to settle.

This picture is looking towards Ryan's grave site while driving in. His site is in the upper right corner of the picture, on the top of the hill. The cemetery is a "Memorial Garden", so other than the mausoleums, there are no "head stones" that are raised from the ground, just plaques for markers. At first, we weren't sure we liked it, but after being out there, we realized it changed the focus from the marker and more about taking in the beauty and solitude of the cemetery.


From Great Grandma Clara

From the Pool's

From Culligan

From Tri-Ko

Beautiful roses

After we took pictures of all of the flower arrangements, we took most of them to the church to be enjoyed by others. We also enjoyed seeing them there when we went to church the following Sunday. I know I was comforted, returning there for the first time since the funeral, knowing that there was still some reminiscence of the events that had so recently changed our lives forever.
Life goes on for many other people, and even we have had to learn how to continue our lives. But, a huge part of us wants to make time stand still. Pause everything, change nothing. The more days that pass since Ryan was here, the more the void in our chest seems to make itself known. It is a physical feeling, not just something that people say. Chris and I both feel it, when Ryan's mentioned, we see a picture, hear a song that makes us think of him... multiple times per day. I have cried every day, at times when I didn't even know I would. It is much like when he was here, and sick. As the day draws to a close is when I finally let it all out. Thankfully, my husband knows just how to ease my hurt, but listening and sharing what is on his mind too. But, also as when Ryan was here, doing this helps me prepare for the next day.
Sleep hasn't been coming too easily. The first few days, I did sleep, hard. I was exhausted. Now, my mind races many different directions, breaking my sleep and sometimes leaving me laying there, staring at nothing. I hope this does get better with time. I have had many dreams about Ryan, these I welcome. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
I just keep picturing his sweet smile and beautiful blue eyes. The dimple in his chin and the silkiness of his skin. The fluffiness of his hair just after bath time. The collared, blue stripe shirt (which I am sure makes the blue in his eyes sparkle even more) and khaki corduroy pants. The tiny little shoes that completed his outfit. Ryan was only 6 months old, but to us, he is so much more than a baby. He was our son... we had so many dreams for his life as a little boy, teenager and man. We wanted him dressed for his life as we knew it in our dreams. Handsome. I will always remember feeling so overwhelmed by how handsome he was when I first saw him after he was born. I couldn't believe he was ours. That, was a good day.
The Hawns


Stefany said...

I am so glad that the community and family/friends were able to reach out to you. I am still sorry I was unable to come to Ryan's service... I wanted to be there to honor the little boy that stole my heart. I hope you received the card I sent.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

melody is slurping life said...

I came here via Mom It Forward. So blessed that I did.

Thank you for sharing Ryan. He will live forever in you and in all who know him through your sharing.

Love and peace to you.

Elizabeth said...

I am so reassured and comforted to see all the photos you took of the flowers from Ryan's funeral. I took photos of every single arrangement that was sent for my dad's funeral, along with the florist cards that went along with them. I just wanted to remember and have them to look at again even after they had wilted. So I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!
I hope sleep comes to you soon. And I hope those memories of sweeter days keep flooding in too.