The Hawn Family Weekly

Charlotte's Christmas Dance Recital

2011-12-30T13:54:00.009-06:00

Striking a pose before we leave home for her first dance recital.

Here are pictures from Charlotte's first dance recital ever! She is the second from the left. They danced to "Santa Baby".

At the end of the show Santa came on stage with all the kids. When Charlotte set eyes on him...she got so excited she hugged the girl next to her and you could hear her scream with joy. She then tried her best to get to the front of the crowd to give him a hug.

Here is our little dancer with her flowers from Mom & Dad and Grandma & Grandpa Hawn.

Charlotte and her cousins.

Charlotte, Dad, & Mom.

We are so proud of you Charlotte and look forward to you dancing in many more recitals in the future!

-The Hawns

Photo Book

2011-09-25T16:33:00.001-05:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Your blogger is back...

2011-08-23T15:19:00.004-05:00

Back, and hopefully better than ever. The #1 reason I feel ready to return to the blogging world is a little program called Picasa... I spent hours downloading pictures before, and thinking of all the posts I wanted to catch up on was daunting to me. However, with Picasa, I can download several pictures in a snap! This blogger couldn't be happier!

Since my time is quite limited these days, and I feel I spend most of my day feeding our newest little one, my usual evening blogging time has turned into baths, books, and spending hours nursing and settling our little boy into his bedtime routine. And, as most new mothers know, every minute of sleep counts these days and as soon as he is lights out, I am lights out. But, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and slowly emerging myself back into the real world that continues to buzz around us all. I return back to work tomorrow, part-time. But, adding part-time work to a full time job that you already have as a Mom can be very scary.

The greatest demand for me as a Mom these days for Grant has been Growing him. I was unable to nurse my other two babies, and he and I have been quite successful this time. What I didn't know is how much time I would be physically required to spend with my shirt up, snuggling with him on the couch as he ate. Bottle feeding is different. Usually eaten much faster. Nursing can take HOURS with him, especially in the beginning when he cluster fed like crazy. I just had no idea how time consuming it was. Just fitting in time to cook dinner has been a challenge. Grant is 2 months old now, most recently going through another growth spurt requiring many more hours of feedings. But, he is growing like a weed, and I know that a few months from now, I am going to miss this time. If only I wasn't so motivated to do it all, I would enjoy it more. A personality flaw of mine. Has certainly improved over the last few years, but I still want to have it all, clean house, laundry done, meal on the table, kids happy, fed, and in bed on time. I have certainly sacrificed the clean house this time around, much more than I would like.

And then there is Charlotte. Started her second year of pre-k since she has a September birthday. She has continued doing extra therapy at Ranken Jordan 2 nights a week for an hour each night, rotating OT/PT. That is soon going to change since she has really been wanting to do Dance again. We have compromised therapy 1 night so we can add dance another night. To have activities for her 3 nights out of the week is just too much for us all. Just getting to those activities on time will be very challenging with me returning to work. I sure hope we can do it. Charlotte is doing fantastic in many ways, some of her struggles continue to be potty training and focusing for meal times. I threw my white flag up this week since we have been trying to master the potty training for almost 2 years now. We visited a psychologist yesterday to discuss ways we can help her become more successful. One reason we sought this kind of help is because Charlotte has always had major fears of loud, unexpected noises (dryers, dog barking, cheering, blender, fireworks, Happy Birthday singing, vacuum... and to add to the list, self flushing toilets, or the toilet flush if loud). I feel that if she is scared, there will be no motivation to toilet train, so we are seeking help for a new perspective. Disappointingly, 80% of what the Dr. said was "pat on the back", that we were already doing much of what she would suggest. The other 20% was trying to decipher if she is "afraid" or just have sensory issues, and we both agreed it is probably a combo of both. She left me with recommendation of a book to read about anxiety, and the suggestion to tackle the sensory aspect further. We all want that magical fix, and I knew it wouldn't happen over night, but I honestly was happy and sad when I left. We just want to help her conquer this hurdle. We also wanted a psychologist available to help us tackle how to handle any problems she may have as she begins to realize her differences from her peers, and being smaller than all of her classmates. We want to empower her as much as we can and teach her that she can stand up for herself even though she is small.

Wow, so much to say, but that is what happens when you don't blog for a while. And, that summary is only about the kids :-) More about me later... Time for some pictures of the kids, what you all probably are waiting for!

Happy little Grant

Charlotte with me at Children's Hospital waiting room

Love the raised eyebrows...

iPhones are great for capturing many moments throughout the day

Charlotte brushing up on her reading skills. She isn't actually reading, but I think the words she makes up are so cute!

More smiles

Passed out in the car seat

Charlotte's beanbag is a great place to set Grant for a minute while I am busy with her in her room.

Love this picture, my handsome little guy.

One of our many nights at Ranken Jordan, ready to swim!

Say CHEESE!

Dimples are so cute!

One of my new favorites! We ventured to the zoo last weekend.

Mom & the kids...

Charlotte got pretty close to the sea lion after the show. Last year she wouldn't even watch! Progress!

Dancing to the music before the show started.

I love this pic of Charlotte, so candid

More from this busy blogging mom soon. There really is so much to say, but most importantly, I love my family and am so excited about our future together.

Jenn

P.S. I did it!!!

Welcome to the World....

2011-06-14T16:21:00.003-05:00

Grant Christopher Hawn

6/14/2011

1:06 am

5 lbs 14 oz

19.25"

Mother, Baby, and Big Sister are all doing great!

- The Hawn's

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-18T11:02:00.009-05:00

We had a great Mother's Day get together this year, finding the perfect spot at Creve Couer Lake to have a picnic and enjoy the beautiful day outside. The kids especially had a great time with a park near by, and plenty of room to run around and play. I think it is safe to say this was my most enjoyable Mother's Day celebration yet, and I couldn't even do as much as I would have liked due to my 8 months pregnant state :-) It was still a lot of fun!

This picture makes me smile...

Love my little girl and can't wait to meet our next baby!

Aunt Kelly brought her dog Abraham, I was skeptical at first, but I must say, he is the best behaved Labrador I have ever known.

Uncle Matt, chillin. Also want to say congratulations on graduating college! Africa Mission Trip, here you come.

Aunt Kim, playing ball with the kids. Looks like Jeff really got ahold of this one!

Time on the playground with Daddy!

Rock climbing... spotter needed.

Charlotte, learning to play catch. The mitt is a little bit too big, but I think she started to get the hang of it.

See the lawn chair behind me?? They made me sit and pitch, but I was throwing way more balls than strikes, so I had to stand up for this one. Grandma was a great catcher!

Great Grandma Clara

Jefferson posed for this pic for me. I love the expression on his face, so innocent :-)

Charlotte couldn't get enough watermelon. Each year, I am reminded how much she loves it. She said to me "mmmmm juicy!!"

Julianne gobbling hers up too

Trying to soak up this moment, I know they will be grown up before we know it...

Great Grandma feeling the baby kick.

The Hawns

How Do You Remember That?

2011-05-04T11:40:00.005-05:00

How do you forget?

May 4th, a day that passes usually with the anticipation of Cinco De Mayo, where Americans have an excuse to eat yummy Mexican inspired cuisine, drink too many beers or margarita's, and retire the evening feeling over stuffed and hung over the following morning. May 4th is different for me.

This day marks the beginning of me agonizingly remembering the painful moments that followed for the next 2 1/2 months until Ryan is lifted to heaven, the early monrning after his 6 month birthday. And then the moments, days, months after that begin to blur. But this day, is etched ever so intricately in my mind.

I replay it in my head each year, the day it all began. Really, our fears had already begun, however, we had finally resolved to do something about them on this day 2 years ago. I remember spending the morning with Ryan and Charlotte. Ryan wouldn't eat and as the morning drifted by, he became extremely agitated. Our little boy was fighting for his life that day and we had no idea until sometime around 7 pm that night how serious things really were. I called Chris sometime around 3:30 pm, telling him we needed to do something. He came home immediately and after a very frustrated phone call to the pediatrician's office, we decided our only choice was to take him to the hospital. The Emergency Room.

But we didn't fit in there, at least it seemed so at first. We strolled in with Ryan in the stroller, Charlotte in tow, hoping for help and seeking an answer as to why our little boy breathed fast, couldn't eat, and seemed to be worsening with each passing day. Others sat with crying babies, bandages, or legs propped on the adjacent chair. Ryan was as quiet as could be, a silence that had begun to haunt me already, and we were calm. We even smiled, thanking the secretary for bringing us back to the examination room promptly. As our story began to unfold to the triage nurse, I could see the distress on her face and could feel the weight on my shoulders lifting. This is when we should have begun to be scared ourselves, but we had carried this heavy concern for the past several weeks, that finally we were relieved that it wasn't our own anymore. That someone else could share it with us, validating our concerns and vowing to help us, help Ryan.

When the Physician came in, and I could see the concern on his face, is when I could see that we weren't over reacting (as I of course assumed everyone would think, me being a nurse and having been through so much with Charlotte). He examined Ryan carefully, and quickly determined that Ryan needed to be sent to the Pediatric ICU immediately. ICU? For tests I assumed, for Ryan's rapid breathing, for his fluttering heart, racing to keep up with the demands of his tiny, 3 1/2 month old body.

Because we didn't anticipate him needing to be admitted, we had to make a decision as to what to do with Charlotte. Chris and I agreed that she needed her own bed to sleep in. I chose to stay with Ryan, and Chris to take Charlotte home. As we wheeled Ryan up to the ICU, my sister, a NICU nurse came to be with us. I remember being so thankful she was there, and dreading spending the night in the ICU with our son without my husband. I overwhelmingly felt we needed to be together, but as parents of 2 children often do, we split up to do what was best for them. The night was long, cold, uncomfortable, lonely for me, but as I looked at Ryan, strung up with oxygen tubing and electrodes monitoring his heartbeat, I could see that his body was finally receiving the rest it needed. His heart rate went from over 200 beats per minute when we first arrived, to a more steady and normal 120-140. His breathing slowed and his eyes closed to allow a peaceful slumber. Just hours ago, the relief that had overcome me had been replaced by an unspeakable fear. I knew that if I let my mind entertain what was on my heart, I wouldn't make it through the night without the arms of my husband to hold me. Chris arrived early the next day after taking Charlotte to school and we prepared for the slew of physicians we could see gathering outside Ryan's room in the ICU.

May 4th. A day I will never forget. May 5th, the day we were told our son would not live a full life. Needless to say, I have a hard time celebrating Cinco de Mayo. The only thing worth celebrating is that Ryan was baptized by our Pastor, Robin, in the ICU that day. We weren't sure there was enough time for us to wait any longer. I see myself sitting in the Peds ICU waiting room, holding my head in my hands, sobbing with my husband by my side doing the same. A memory that will stain my brain forever.

Time heals the hurt I felt that day, the sadness, the fear. But will never take away the memory.

Jenn

Home Rest

2011-05-01T16:00:00.002-05:00

I am refusing to call it bed rest because there is no part of me that is staying totally confined to bed or the couch. However, I have been recently advised by my Dr. that work is no longer on my agenda until after this baby is born. I am 30 weeks pregnant, and after a very eventful weekend of contractions last week, that continued throughout the week and landed me in the hospital for a few hours on Wednesday evening after 2 FULL days of rest, the decision was officially made.

Hmmm... did I see this coming, yes. Was I in denial that it would actually happen, yes. But, if I kept the pace I was keeping, I know I would be kicking myself for an even earlier delivery than our other two children. So, I have plenty of time to catch up on blogging :) and reading, and sewing, and anything else that can keep me entertained while sitting. However, I am not limiting myself so much that I drive myself crazy, within reason of course. I know that after I shower, I need to sit for a while, or after any other task that may keep me on my feet for more than half an hour. It is amazing to me, how good I feel now that I am not constantly banging out contractions, but how little it takes to get me there too.

So, the good news is that maybe if I put my time in now at home, we will put in less time in the NICU! We are hoping for another 5 weeks minimum. Anything beyond that will be celebrated and hopefully will allow us to take our baby home from the hospital with us for the first time!

Jenn

Easter 2011

2011-05-01T15:16:00.008-05:00

When Easter comes around, I am always thinking about Ryan. Not just because of the meaning of the Holiday, how Jesus died for us to free us from sin and bear that burden for us, but because Easter is the one of 3 holidays we actually celebrated with him. That is if you cound Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day, which we don't really do much for anyway. This year, I had to go back and look at those pictures, reminding myself how much Charlotte has grown up and how much I miss him deeply. 2 Years have passed... I remember this time already being really stressful for us because we were concerned about Ryan. I remember feeling uneasy, but not having a clue about what was to come... I miss you Ryan.

Ryan Michael Hawn - 3 months old, April 2009

This year, we spent Easter at my Mom's house, in Kansas. It was nice to spend this holiday with her for the first time since we had children. Charlotte got to look for eggs indoors and then we got ready to attend church. It was a beautiful crisp day, sun shining, just how Easter should feel.

Charlotte loved her dress, sweater, tights, shoes, but particularly loved her matching gloves and purse!

One of few pregnancy pictures we have taken...

I LOVE this one...

Charlotte is so excited for the baby to come, and hugs and kisses my belly often.

Our family, anticipating it growing soon!

Hide & Seek

The Hawns

Bowling Party for Work

2011-05-01T15:05:00.005-05:00

Charlotte had a great time at the annual Perinatal Center Staff Party. The event was bowling again this year, which Charlotte LOVES!!

The Hawns

P.S. I didn't bowl...

Hawn Household

2011-04-14T14:17:00.003-05:00

Ticking the days by has never been more satisfying, than when I was in the hospital with Charlotte. When pregnant with Ryan, I didn't really think too much about him being born prematurely (I was naive), but after having had 2 babies come at 34 weeks, I am just praying to make it that far this time. Yesterday was the beginning of my 7th month! (28 weeks), and am thrilled to be done with that scary period between 24-28 weeks. The time when the baby could survive, but would likely have many problems. Now, March Of Dimes, I know I am not out of the woods as far as that goes yet, and I am very much a supporter of more time in the belly is better, just saying that I am glad to be out of the "scary" time. So, my greatest job for the next 6 weeks is keeping this kiddo happy inside. I have continued to struggle with "taking it easy", and for some odd reason, I just keep playing the denial card. It is almost that I won't even believe that this pregnancy has even occurred until I hold this new sweet little baby in my arms. My mind often daydreams to when that will be, when we discover if this is a sister for Charlotte, or another little brother. I am instantly stirred with emotion at the thought of meeting this baby, knowing how hard that moment will be, and how much I need to just let myself love this child with everything I have and not hold back. I have been holding back, not to my detriment, and hopefully not to the babies, but just to protect myself from a hurt I have felt so deeply. It is so difficult to put these feelings into words, and this is my poor attempt. But, this child is deeply loved, and I am looking forward to, but also scared of the day when he/she is born. I just can't imagine how I will feel, and wonder if a lot of the pain I have been holding in since we found out that Ryan would not live, will be unleashed. I have stifled many tears, and held back much sobbing in my grieving process, for the sake of trying to keep it together. That moment may be healing in many ways... No wonder I am in denial?? I don't want all of that to surface again, but know that it probably will. All in all, we are preparing for the baby's arrival, the room is mostly "ready" and we have most everything we need. It is more about the mental preparation this time. Working on that day by day. We have also had some recent concerns related to Charlotte that will be addressed more thoroughly in the next few months. She is having some major problems with potty/pooping training, and our greatest fears related to her tethered spinal cord may be a reality. Before jumping to conclusions, and writing off her ability to ever learn to poop & pee on the potty, we are seeking more help from a urologist, and hoping that she just needs more time. She has yet to communicate any need to use the bathroom to us, and is unable to keep her pants clean for any length of time. Absolutely no signs that she is aware of the need to go, or that she can control when she goes. So, more Dr. appointments, more "procedures" to try to put a few more pieces of her puzzle together. This has got to be one of those really hard 3-D puzzles... Charlotte is making excellent progress in many other ways. She is no longer a walking machine, but a running & jumping machine! Everyone, including us, can't get enough of her beautiful smile and her zest for life. I have always known she had a will to be here, and she shows me everyday just how much she is going to live life to it's fullest. We just want to support her in every way that we can to give her all of the opportunities she deserves. Needing prayers for the next couple of months, for her strength and ours. Can't wait to share news of our newest arrival with you all, but will hopefully wait at least 6 more weeks!!! The Hawns

Charlotte Hits the Gym

2011-03-24T21:11:00.002-05:00

Someone once said that Charlotte probably won't be a gymnast, but she would beg to differ. Ever since Charlotte has seen gymnastics on television, she has been fascinated with their skill and gymnastic abilities. A few months ago, I learned of an open gym at Team Central, for children with special needs. Needless to say, we knew that was the perfect opportunity for Charlotte to experience the fun of gymnastics herself. It was nice having the whole gym to just a few kids and their parents, and watching Charlotte try it all out with Daddy's help. Daddy even "played" so hard he was exhausted that day too. We definitely plan on going back!!!

The Hawns

My Kind

2011-02-28T15:24:00.004-06:00

Just last week, I was contacted by a patient I had cared for over a year ago. This person called me at work, in tears. She had remembered me telling her about Ryan, and was very upset to say that she was experiencing something quite similar with her son. He has a disease that will someday soon take his life, and she explained that many times she had wanted to pick up the phone and call me. She said "I never forgot you". And I hadn't forgotten her either. I remembered her with clarity, and that says a lot considering the hundreds of patients I have cared for since.

I am sad that I am the one she needs right now, and thankful that I have been put in her path to ease her pain in anyway that I can. She explained that her friends and family are eager to talk to her, and listen. But, she knew deep down, that they didn't understand. A feeling I have felt, more than I care to really share. A hurt so deep, that you somehow distance yourself from situations that highlight it that much more. I have avoided play dates and other social situations because of this feeling, and even left perfectly enjoyable events with friends & family in tears because no matter how much time goes by, I will always feel different in this way. It is strange being more comfortable around those who know my hurt, and know what it is like to either lose a child or care for a child with special needs. Those are my kind of people. There is an unspoken understanding. A gentleness in words spoken and celebration in accomplishments that to an ordinary parent, would seem small. We lift each other up, we share our frustrations in lingo that most parents don't have to use with words like "therapy" and "early childhood" and numerous medical terminologies that are used to describe in length what is "wrong" with our children.

A phrase I heard recently that made me want to sink into the chair I was sitting in was, "You know you are a parent when... " Fill in the blank any way you can imagine, but I sat there with hundreds of ways to complete that phrase that this person would never have spoken. I was angry at myself for becoming upset at their simple answer, and wanted to bolt out the door as fast as I could to avoid the awkward feeling in my stomach. This person should be happy about their fill in the blank phrase, as they were a new parent, learning the ropes we all learn. But I, as I have said, will always be different, and yes, filled the phrase much differently than they. My ropes course has taken the most challenging path, and therefore, will never be simple again.

So, I am here, for others on my course. For those of you on the beginner's level, I hope you stay there. But I am here, if you need me, praying that my course doesn't become even more challenging than it has already been.

Jenn

Halfway There

2011-02-19T20:42:00.003-06:00

First, the news everyone has been wanting me to share, yes, the pregnancy is going well!! We have chosen not to find out the gender of the baby, saving the best surprise for last. The due date is July 6, putting me right at 20 weeks now. This little cutie is growing well, thankfully has it's cerebellum (the part of the brain Charlotte is missing), and gives me little love taps throughout the day. Chris has even already felt our newest little miracle from the outside. The greatest wish we have for him/her is health and a safe delivery, whenever that will be. As I have delivered 2 babies at 34 weeks, we can only hope to make it that far, or further. I have been trying to do my part by "listening" to my body more and resting when I can. With Ryan, I just didn't think we would deliver early, and we did, so this time, I am taking things more seriously. The last thing we want is another child in the NICU... for any reason.

So, here is our little cutie, so anxious to know what he/she will look like, as we have had a boy and a girl now. What features will this little one have of the two of them? of us? One of the funnest things to see when the baby is born and changes so much in the first few months. Charlotte is over the moon about the idea of a baby in our house. She has been practicing her "mommy skills", playing with her babies a lot and mimicking anything related to caring for an infant. So cute to watch! She really is so sweet, and has adamantly told us that this is going to be a baby girl... we will see how correct her predictive skills are. Either way, I know she will be very excited to be a big sister, boy or girl. Seeing how sweet she is with her dolls brings me to tears, as I remember the unconditional, instant love she had for her brother, Ryan. I watch her, imagining her with this little baby, and emotions flood through me. So glad that she will have that experience again, and the love of a sibling.

All of the good news out of the way, I must be completely honest with why my writing has taken a recent hiatus. I have been scared, selfish, unsure, and in a way, wanting to distance myself from the love for this baby that has crept inside my heart. I love this baby more than words could explain, but much of me has been wanting to protect myself from loving something so much that could still be taken away from me. Especially the first few months were harder than I had imagined. I was in denial, waiting for something to go wrong, something to happen to the baby. Now that we have had our 20 week ultrasound and all looks well, it has been easier for me to breathe, and cling to this little life fully as I have wanted to from the beginning. It may seem as though I should be clinging to it even more because we have lost a baby, but defense mechanisms kick in, and when you have experienced a hurt as deep as losing your beautiful little boy, it is mere self defense. Last time I wrote, I eluded to some of this, but the more time that passed, the harder things got. I kept waiting... for bad news. But, here we are. Still going strong, and the days that pass now help me realize that this dream may come true after all.

I say that I am selfish, not because I have not written, but because I need to share our blessings, with anyone who wants to read about them. They are from our Heavenly Father, and should be celebrated and rejoiced. How wonderful that He has seen it fit to bless us with this baby. How wonderful that Charlotte is doing Fantastic, that she melts my heart each day, that we had our son Ryan to bring such joy and deepened understanding of what life is really about. What it truly means to love, each other and to know how deeply God loves us. To feel His heavenly presence here on earth, and to see his blessing in the eyes of our children. Blessed, we are.

Jenn

Thankful

2010-11-28T15:16:00.005-06:00

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year, spent with Chris' family. Charlotte had many 2nd cousins to play with, and was especially happy to run around with the older girls. This was the first year that she was able to do that, and we didn't have to be glued to her side for her safety.

As we celebrated Thanksgiving this year, it didn't seem possible that this is the second year we have celebrated without little Ryan here. We never shared this holiday, or Christmas with Ryan, so we don't have any memories of him with us on these holidays. Somehow, that makes it that much harder. The only memory I have is what flowers we placed at his grave, and even this time last year, his grave marker was just put into place. Remembering how fresh his loss was last year, pains me that we have come so far, and also makes me hopeful. Losing Ryan in our lives has not devastated us to the point of turning our backs on our faith, yet it has shaped us to be even more than we knew we could be. God is powerful, and only His grace could be capable of such.

As I type, I am 8 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby. I am scared to love again, and scared to lose again. But, I know this baby needs every ounce of hope and faith that I have, just as my other two children have needed that in me. My mother recently shared a story with me of another family going through similar heartache as we have. Their son's name is Bowen, and he has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, a congenital heart defect that is very serious. His father is Matt Hammitt, the singer of Sanctus Real. He wrote a song for his little boy, that brought me to tears instantly as he expresses much of what my heart has felt. Please go to www.bowensheart.com, and listen to the feed for the song, "All of Me". His story was featured on ABC News, if you search for Baby Bowen, you will find it. (I have added this blog to our list on the side column)

Greatfully,
Jenn

Working Backwards

2010-11-28T14:27:00.004-06:00

Trying to get caught up today, so this is a blog post of random pictures from recent events. Starting with the most exciting... Chris turned 30!! He was pleasantly surprised by a "surprise party" in his honor, thrown in our very own garage. I arranged a few friends & family to join in for a fun night of "Texas Hold'em". All who participated had a great time, and no money was lost!!!

The Group of Guys

Chris' headlights shining in the garage. As he pulled in the driveway and saw my car parked outside, he knew something was up. He was on the phone with his dad as he pulled in, and his dad was in the garage. Priceless moment, so glad I could pull this one off! Thanks for everyone's help!

Here are a few pictures from the farm this year... Charlotte is always excited to wear cammo like the boys!

Daddy and his "tom" girl

Charlotte was invited to her best friend's birthday celebration this year. Bowling for just the two of them. Faith was turning 5, as you can see, more than a head taller than Charlotte. So, faith would put the balls on the rack, and Charlotte would take her turn pushing them. They were a great team, and it was so fun seeing Charlotte play with one of her friends.

Great Grandpa & Grandma Davidson came to visit

Baby Isaac, born 11/1/10

This is Charlotte's new cousin, Isaac. He made his entrance into this world on his due date! We were all so excited to see him, and Charlotte was especially proud to hold him. She sat in the chair without budging for probably about 25-30 minutes, not wanting us to pick him up. She was so gentle, and beaming as she looked him over.

HALLOWEEN

Charlotte LOVED Halloween this year! Dressed as the princess, Cinderella, she was very happy to go walking from door to door to get candy with Daddy. She doesn't eat much of the candy, but caught on to "trick or treating" quickly, and enjoyed giving candy out to other kids too.

Happy Halloween!

The Hawns

Danielle's Farm

2010-10-24T12:48:00.004-05:00

We, like many others, feel so fortunate to have had such WONDERFUL weather. This weekend, we decided to spend some time enjoying the great outdoors at Danielle's Farm. Charlotte was about to explode with happiness at the thought of going to the pumpkin patch to pick out a pumpkin.

Posing Pretty

Noticing how much our little girl is growing up!

We were especially very aware of how much MORE fun we had with Charlotte this year, able to be very hands off and without her walker. What a blessing! She has accomplished so much this year. Here she is weaving in and out of the hay maze with ease.

Charlotte was extremely excited about the pony ride. This is the first time she had ever ridden the pony. As we stood in line, I had visions of her wanting the chicken exit right before it was her turn to mount the horse. Quite the contrary, our little might got right on and owned the pony! Whom I might add, is named Tony. (In the car on the way home Charlotte says "I rode Tony, the Pony - hahaha")

Looking like a big girl up on the pony

Charlotte always loves the tire swing. The more you spin it, the more she giggles!

As if she hadn't had enough swinging!

Time for the electronic pony ride. Not quite as great as the real thing, but still evoked many giggles and smiles!

I am beginning to think Charlotte may take up farming, she looks like she belongs on that tractor.

Mom was behind the camera most of the day, but stopped for a photo op without our pumpkin of choice.

The Hawns

Hopeful

2010-10-19T21:12:00.004-05:00

Earlier today we did something that we never dreamed that we would do. But as some dreams don't come true, others are realized. This summer we spent much of our free time weighing the pros and cons of proceeding with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD). Sometime in June we decided this was something we wholeheartedly wanted to pursue, together. We have been to all the necessary appointments, injected all the necessary drugs, undergone the many early morning ultrasounds and blood work, to arrive at this point today.

Today, we are able to show you a picture of what will hopefully be our next child, at only 5 days after fertilization. Today, this tiny embryo was transferred back where is should have been from the start, but couldn't be, due to our desire to prevent ANY more of our children from having SMA. The PGD provided us with the kind of peace of mind that we weren't sure we would ever have again. The assurance, that this child does NOT have SMA.

As far as we feel we both have come, we are only in the "infant" stages of this long journey. We have many more milestones to achieve before a sigh of relief may come, but hold on tightly to that possibility. Today is surreal, and full of hope. Our hearts are full and ready for this next chapter. In subtle ways, such as a song, a racehorse named "The Flying Pig", last words before being put to sleep for surgery, Ryan has shown us that he is here with us as we seek to fulfill a dream we didn't know we could dream.

It is with a very faithful heart that I ask for your prayers, once again. For this new life inside, for life lost, for the life our family may someday lead together.

The Hawns

Butterflies

2010-10-03T21:01:00.007-05:00

The alarm clock radio came on... half awake and ignoring the radio announcer commercials, I rolled over to hit the snooze button, when somehow, my ear caught mention of "Wings". A word so powerful and special to me, the name of the BJC Pediatric Hospice Program, the organization that helped us learn how to take care of and say goodbye to Ryan. I made a mental note to look it up, hearing mention of butterflies, and St. Louis artists. I hit the snooze button, and fell back asleep. Then, when I woke, I remembered, immediately, that I needed to investigate what this announcement on the radio was all about. Thankful for technology at this moment, I plopped on the couch with my laptop, sure that what I had vaguely heard was more a dream now than a reality. As the results came up, I clicked on the first heading. Sure enough, it was real.

Wings was having 54 fiberglass butterflies created, and then soliciting artists from the St. Louis area to submit designs for the butterflies. Mary Engelbreit would be the featured artist, and when the butterflies were finished with display across St. Louis, they would be auctioned off to raise money for the "Expressive Therapy Program" for Wings, something Charlotte participated in while Ryan was sick. Immediately, two very talented artists in my life came to mind. I had to act fast though, there was only about 2 weeks before the final design submissions would be accepted.

I asked my co-worker, Karen Gold, in the Perinatal Center at St. John's. I had seen much of her talent in stained glass pieces she had created. Her artsy eye very crafty and beautiful, her hands delicately creating beauty with glass. I knew she would submit a beautiful, heartfelt design, and most importantly, I asked her to do it in honor of Ryan. Thankful she accepted, I fully believed she would be chosen.

I also asked one of our dear friends who used to live across the street from us, Nancy Forth. Nancy and her family became fast friends of ours when we moved into our house. Many afternoons, I would see her outside painting, and I had seen several pieces of art she had created in their home. We have shared meals together, celebrated holidays together, and just enjoyed each other's company over a board game or playtime outside. Nancy has always been a mother and woman I admire, she is genuine, loving, and above all, has been there to support Chris, Charlotte, Ryan and I every step of our bumpy little path. I was very pleased that she also accepted the request to submit a design in honor of Ryan.

Both of these talented artists designs were accepted by the panel of judges, and we were ecstatic. What a dream come true for us and them! They had from May until September this summer to create their masterpieces, and I am very proud to say that these women did a remarkable job creating such beautiful representations of our love for our son. But, it is more than that, it is for other children also, other families who have had children who are sick, or had to let a little loved one rise to heaven. Those angels are among us, watching us, waiting patiently for the day they can share their precious lives with us again.

Pictures of these butterflies don't do them justice, so the main reason for this post is to inform you of how you can see them in person! THIS SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10TH AT FOREST PARK IN THE WORLD'S FAIR PAVILION from 11 am - 4 pm, you can see them in person for yourself. "Wing's" is a remarkable organization, come have some fun, and see what St. Louis can do for the families who need them! http://www.wingsinthecity.org/

"Reflections of Love"

Artist Karen Gold

Karen's butterfly was jointly named by the two of us, reflecting the love that all parents have for their children. The butterfly is done in mosaic glass, each piece hand cut and intricately placed. Karen did a remarkable job creating whimsy and a playful feel with this butterfly; the innocence of children. She wanted it to be cheerful and bright. I love the colors she chose and there are also angel glass pieces scattered on the butterfly. Thank you Karen, for helping us always remember the playful moments we had with Ryan.

"Heaven Bound"

Artist Nancy Forth

Nancy chose to create "Heaven Bound" with an airbrushing technique, to mimic the beautiful July sky the afternoon of Ryan's funeral. To some, this may not seem like a joyous day, but for us, it was truly bittersweet. The bitter side is easy to understand, but the sweetness was knowing that our son was with his Creator, no longer in pain, suffering through each breathe his little body depended on to stay alive. We knew that Ryan was again whole and free of the disease that had crippled his tiny body. Nancy understood this relief, this joy, and understood that the beautiful puffy clouds in the sky were probably just a fraction of the beauty that Ryan was now enjoying. Thank you Nancy, for helping us capture the joy in those difficult moments, forever.

A picture of the sky the afternoon of Ryan's funeral, July 31, 2009.

Thank you, Karen and Nancy, for your hard work this summer. For taking time away from other activities in your lives to create something so special to our family.

The Hawns

We Are Back!

2010-09-30T20:24:00.007-05:00

From a cruise that is!! Ok, so we haven't been on a cruise for the last two months, we have just needed our cruise vacation for the last year, and finally got to go. We were gone for an entire week, and used each day to put in some much needed R&R. Now, we are back, refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to catch up on some blogging. It would be impossible to go back and include posts that we have missed, so this is where we are going to pick back up.

Some posts that we have missed sharing with you would have been:

Charlotte attending her first "kids" birthday party this summer
Fishing at the Farm
MDA Telethon 2010
Jenn finished with school

It seems like a lot more that that has happened in the last 2 months, and truthfully, there has been a lot more, just maybe not "blog worthy". We have just been busy keeping up with daily work, therapy, school for Charlotte, and finding time to have a few minutes to relax. So, that is the last of my excuses, on with some pictures!

We sailed on the Royal Caribbean cruise line, the ship "Freedom of the Seas". This is walkway down the middle of the ship, full of shops & restaurants. This is called the "Promenade". Our room faced the promenade, on the 3rd floor. This was our compromise to not having a total interior room, but not an exterior window either. It was great, and not noisy at all!

As the ship got ready to set sail, we were all smiles!

Our Ship, tough to get a picture of the entire thing. I took this as we were transported, or "tendered" from the ship to our first stop, Cococay, Bahamas, a private island owned by Royal Caribbean.

On Cococay, Bahamas

I was lucky enough to celebrate my birthday while we were gone. My Dad arranged ahead of time for them to decorate our room on my birthday, thanks Dad!

Dinner was always interesting, trying foods we would never begin to imagine trying. This was the night of my birthday. So lucky to have my husband...

This is St. Thomas... quite arguably, one of the most gorgeous places I have ever been...

When we ported at St. Thomas was the only chance we had to call Charlotte, who was staying with my sister, Sara, and brother-in-law, Nathan. She had a great week, playing with her cousin, Ian, and even sang "Happy Birthday" to me on the phone. She was very good for them all week, and we were so thankful that Sara and Nathan agreed to take care of her for us. A favor I am afraid I will never be able to repay. I just hope they understand how greatful we were that they made this much needed vacation happen for us.

Breathtaking.

This is the cute little cafe we had lunch at. It overlooked the port where there were 3 cruise ships docked at one time. The people who ran the cafe were from Maryland.

My birthday present from Chris, a birthstone ring. The saphires are beautiful, this picture doesn't do it justice. Thank you Chris!! We picked it out together and happily took advantage of the tax and duty free benefits of buying in St. Thomas.

This is St. Maarten, a port of call on our trip that we were not able to visit. We got there, the seas were rough from the approaching hurricane Igore, and when the ship tried to dock, the plank fell. They made the executive decision that it was unsafe to let anyone off the boat, "phew", and we had to turn the ship around and leave. But, while near the island, we got a few good pictures from a distance. We were up and ready to go, with no island to explore.

This is one of the pieces of art on the ship, how fitting since Chris works at Boeing. He was fascinated by the replica of the Boeing F-18 (center), the program he is on now.

A picture I couldn't refuse...

The "Flow Rider" is a simulated surfing experience, on our ship. The water rushing out at speeds so fast that if you fall, you are quickly carried to the top of the wave (and if wearing a bikini, are left without your top or bottoms). Chris and I both had to "get our feet wet" and give it a try. First we tried boogie boarding. Chris did awesome, his first trial, learning to get on his knees, roll with the board, and push it out and catch it back in front of him. This may sound easy, but trust me, it was not.

A day at sea.

I was fascinated by the spray of the waves.

We were sad to be off the ship once our trip ended, but both of us didn't realize we were off until a coupld of days later. Everything was still rocking! Our ship returned to Port Canaveral, where we had left from, and then we took a car back to Orlando to catch our flight home. We had some fun in Orlando airport, and took some special pictures for Charlotte.

We missed Charlotte a lot, and the entire way home, I just kept praying that nothing would get in he way of us seeing our little girl. Once she was finally in my arms, I felt so relieved. She was still napping when we got home, and when I picked her up, she just giggled and giggled! Sara had made a book with pictures and stories about her activities while we were gone and we looked at it together on the couch. It felt so good to be home, together again.

The Hawns

A Year Missing You

2010-07-28T08:42:00.003-05:00

A Year Missing You

Sweet little Ryan, a year has passed by,

A year since the time that we had to say goodbye.

Your light shines with us in all that we do,

In our smiles, our hearts, our friends and family too.

From bike rides together, trips to the zoo,

Studying for exams, and family outings too.

Your presence was with us, like the grace of a butterfly,

But we still can't help but wonder, how fast this year has gone by.

Missing you has stung like no other sting,

It strikes at my core and sometimes all I can do is sing.

I sing to remind myself that this time without you is just an in between,

I sing to praise God, our Almighty King.

He has saved you as no one else could,

Not myself or your Dad, but you know that we would.

With God you are now, our little angel boy,

And someday, we will know your joy.

Sweet little Ryan, I miss you so,

I feel you in Charlotte's squeezes and see you in her, I know.

We are thankful for the blessings this year has brought,

And hope that you know, you are in our every thought.

It doesn't matter where we are, or what we have done,

Our hearts are always with you, my son.

Love,

Mom

New Fall Products for Thirty-One

2010-07-17T17:40:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that Thirty-One has launched their new FALL 2010 product line! There are some great new fabrics on Thirty-One's most loved products, and some new great products as well. They have paid particular attention to coordinating their products together. Check out the catalog and click here. I have ordered in some of their new products and catalogs for anyone wanting to host a party. Remember, if you don't think you would like to host at your home, you can take some catalogs to friends, family, or co-workers and receive hostess benefits too!

Jenn

(314)537-7385

jennhawn@gmail.com

www.mythirtyone.com/jennhawn

"Water Wings"

2010-07-15T21:54:00.002-05:00

Charlotte has really found her Independence in the water! We took her to a pool to swim over the 4th of July weekend, instead of filling up the little pool she has for the backyard. She had more independence in the pool (without the fear of her falling and injuring herself) than she has on land. You could tell she was so proud of herself. Thanks to Heather, her aquatic OT, who works so hard with her in the pool every week at Ranken Jordan.

It is great to see her so happy!

The Hawns

Back In Time

2010-07-15T21:26:00.004-05:00

I have several posts that I need to catch up on from June - now. We have done a lot of fun things together, and it seems as if Charlotte is changing by leaps and bounds right now. Stronger, VERY talkative (especially at home & saying all kinds of funny things each day), pretending, and overall just fun to be around most of the time. We get good reports from her at school every day and it is so fun to see her interacting with her little friends too.

So, without further adue, some pictures. I am going to start where I left off a few posts back, at our 6th Wedding Anniversary. It was on June 12th, and we celebrated the weekend before at the Cardinal's Game and a stay at the Westin downtown. It was a great way to relax as the game was just the right temperature. Charlotte didn't go to the game with us, since we are pretty certain that the roar of the crowd and the boom of the fireworks would have sent her through the roof (she still HATES loud noises).

Thank you Brad & Jamie for letting us sit in your seats! They were great, right down by the field, just past 3rd base line.

Pictures of the Arch are always inspiring somehow...

Dressed up for dinner and a walk out on the town afterwards...

The Hawns

Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Been Blogging...

2010-07-08T21:08:00.002-05:00

10. Charlotte has therapy 2 nights a week
9. Dinner is an hour long event (just eating) and we only get to spend a total of 2-3 hours with Charlotte between picking her up for school and bedtime
8. Must spend some time playing with our daughter!
7. I only have 4 weeks of class left!
6. Which means I am spending my free time studying... (I have a registry exam to take for ultrasound Physics in the next 2 months)
5. When I am not in class, or working, I am at clinicals
4. We remodeled our bathroom... (need I say more)
3. I am not sure I have cleaned house at all in the past few months... so I can't claim that as a reason I'm not blogging, but just keeping up with dirty dishes has been challenging enough
2. We need to keep our marriage going with some quality time spent together/vegging too
1. I'm avoiding it...

Explanation for reason #1. Life for me right now is hard. Really hard. I knew that anniversaries of "events" was going to be tough, but this time of year takes the cake. I try so hard to stare deep into Ryan's picture everyday, of our handsome sweet little boy, but that beautiful picture cannot erase the vivid memories in my mind of countless hours spent praying for him as he cried, as he crashed right before our eyes... Those moments were frequent this time of year, and I can tie one of his "episodes" into nearly everyday right now... Up until he was granted the peace that only those who rise to heaven understand. Ryan is right were he needs to be, but I miss him oh so much and want to wipe out the painful memories I have of him this time of year.

It is hard for me to even fathom that it has been a year. It has passed so quickly, and this time last year, a minute felt like an eternity at times. We were living moment by moment, taking in what really was important to us. Snuggling our children, loving eachother and being thankful for each happy moment that we shared. As I have watched this year pass so quickly, it makes me sad to think that so much of it was just "getting through it" and I have been upset that we haven't had more opportunity to slow down and soak up what really matters as we did when Ryan was sick. We all take what we have for granted and coming from a moment in my life when each minute was precious, to a year that whizzed right by... I need a happy medium. Happy, may be the key term there.

Tonight, I spent a few moments, tucking Charlotte in bed, laying with her in the dark, rubbing her back, telling her about how I rocked her when she was a little baby, every night. We said prayers, and then ended up giggling together. Those moments are the ones that keep me going, drive me to accept what has happened and continue on to the next days challenges and joys. But when I am so busy that I don't take the time to do that, or even blog, as I haven't been, my heart grows weak.

I also fear blogging these days. My pain is still very real, and hits me harder at times that take me by surprise. I am not sure anyone wants to read this blog for the reason that I need to write on it. Again, I sort out my head, listen to my heart, and pour it out on the pages. It isn't all pretty, it isn't all fuzzy and warm, and I don't really enjoy making others sad too. I would much rather blog about happy, carefree times. But, that isn't all that is there. There is more. So I am caught between trying to make those who read it happy and reassured, knowing deep down that the real me woud rather just pour it all out there. Again, I need to find a balance. One that doesn't currently exist.

I haven't gone back and read any of my entries from last year. I am not sure that I will be able to for a very long time. But, there is a distinct cutoff somewhere between Oct. and Jan. that I quit spilling onto the pages, I think with the fear that no one really wanted to know what I had to say... I had hurt everyone enough. I guess I have been trying to protect those that do read this blog from the pain that is still so fresh to me. A natural thing to do I suppose.

So what I am trying to say is, I miss blogging, need to blog, and want to continue to say what is REALLY on my mind and not just try to paint the picture I think others want to see. And this time of year hurts more than I knew it could.

We do have many things to be thankful and happy about, and those entries are coming too. But tonight, I just needed to be honest, with you and me.

~Jenn

Families of SMA Donation

2010-06-14T19:47:00.003-05:00

We received the Families of Spinal Muscular Atrophy's Directions newsletter and were surprised to find Ryan's name among the pages. The money collected at Ryan's funeral was donated to FSMA and Jenn wrote a letter to explain why we were sending the money to their organization. We had no idea that they would publish the letter, which explains why there was no picture of Ryan to accompany the letter. Click on the link below and check out page 47. You may also flip through the other 90 pages to get a small idea of how many people/families SMA touches throughout the world. Some of the stories are very similar to our own.

http://www.fsma.org/LatestNews/index.cfm?ID=5235&blnShowBack=False&idContentType=1150

The Hawn's

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-06-03T22:37:00.003-05:00

We love going to "the farm" where Chris' Grandpa has land and we can just relax in the great outdoors. Charlotte apparently loves it too.

The Hawns

Mother's Day Weekend

2010-05-17T21:04:00.004-05:00

What beautiful children God has blessed us with.

We spent the weekend with my family mostly. I don't get to spend a lot of time with them, so it was great going to Grant's Farm and spending time together. This year was understandably difficult for me, as much of my memories from last year, with Ryan and Charlotte, flooded my mind. We spent Mother's Day in the PICU with Ryan last year, and took Charlotte to the park together for a brief outting from the hospital. It is hard to believe that an entire year has passed since those days. Many times, I still would like to freeze time so I can hang on to the memories I have.

Mother's Day last year, I remember holding Ryan for hours that morning, him pooping in my hand since he was on antibiotics and I was trying to change his diaper and got a surprise, not being sure if we should leave the hospital to take Charlotte to the park, but knowing we needed to. I remember trying to soak in the moments I had with him, as each day before, wondering just how much time I had left, yet not wanting to know the answer to that question. I was scared, very scared, clinging to the beautiful little baby staring back at me, or snuggling next to my chest. Ryan. These days, I am thankful for dreamfilled slumbers where he and I get to play together and I hold him there. I am thankful for those times and yearn for more when each dream ends. I tell myself, Jesus will call me home someday too, and I know that Ryan will be there to greet me.

And then Charlotte, hugs me for the both of them. Her sweet puckered kisses and pressured squeezes are for the both of them. The day I received the "nurse of the month" award, I was missing Ryan a lot. I drove straight to his grave after leaving the hospital that day, tears spilling over my cheeks the entire way. As I kneeled at his grave, Charlotte played with a windmill spinner that Grandma and Grandpa Hawn placed there (for Charlotte, they tell me). She was enamored with it, then suddenly stopped playing with it and walked right to me to give me a long, much needed hug, without prompt or request. She made me sigh, and laugh, and sigh and cry, and then says to me, "Mommy, I love you". So soft and gentle, as if Ryan was whispering it to me from her lips. As we parted our embrace, she knelt beside me and said "We love our Buddy Boy (our nickname for Ryan) and we love Jesus too". Her words pure, true and ever so meaningful to me. Charlotte is truly a blessing from God, for so many reasons.

My sister, Great Grandma Pool & Mother

sweet kisses

helping me open the gift she got me

I love the unsure smile on her face in this picture. Really, she just wanted to get down and play, but obliged for one more photo with Mom. She made this craft at school, and it says "I love you bunches"

This Mother's Day was a tough one to get through, but somehow, I know that being a Ryan's and Charlotte's mother is a job God defninitely called me to do. Thank God for the blessing of children, they are the most precious gift and have changed my life forever.

Jenn

Grant's Farm - Brrr, is it supposed to be this cold in May??

2010-05-17T20:45:00.004-05:00

If you recall, Mother's Day Weekend was unseasonably chilly. My sister and I were excited about my Mother and Grandmother coming in town for the weekend, so we planned a fun trip to Grant's Farm. The tram would cut down the walking, and we could spend some time out in the sun.

When the forecast came in, we were not about to let chilly temperatures change our gameplan. So, we went to Grant's Farm. The tram, which we originally thought would be great, was brisk to say the least. We couldn't wait to get off as the wind blew through the cars and chilled us to the bone. Bundled with jackets, hoods and blankets, we still couldn't keep warm. Especially Chris, who decided he could leave his jacket in the car...

Grandma snuggling Charlotte in to keep warm

This is how we rolled through Grant's Farm. Charlotte almost walked the whole way, but some of the hills were just too steep.

Petting the miniature ponies. They got upclose and personal, and so did Ian, as he helped pick the pony's nose

Charlotte caught one glimpse of the carousel and pleaded to ride (nicely). We couldn't say no. The smile on her face is worth the $2.

Great Grandma Pool, Grandma Valorie, Ian and Charlotte. We had such a great time and were so glad to bring them to Grant's Farm.

Daddy, getting friendly with the camels.

I am not sure if the kids are supposed to be sitting up there, but it made for a cute picture. Look ma, no hands! j/k

And then my favorite part, the stables. I love seeing the clydesdale horses, especially the mom's and babies. These two were particulary adorable, playful together.

The Hawns

Career Day at Preschool

2010-05-17T20:32:00.003-05:00

Charlotte's preschool had career day a couple of weeks ago. As soon as I heard about it, I could hear Charlotte's voice once saying "I want to be a nurse like Mommy and help babies". Immediately, I set out to make her a set of scrubs just like mine that I wear to work. A white top with navy embroidery on it, and navy pants.

Charlotte knows a lot about what I do because she has been down to the department I worked in several times. Once, the nurses even took her around with them to go see a couple of patients. She got several smiles and she seemed to be having a lot of fun.

I worked hard on her scrubs, and when they were finished, I was sure she would love them too. What do you think???

Charlotte even had a REAL stethoscope, which she easily explained that is how you listen to the baby's heart.

Very proud of her scrubs and stethoscope.

We let Charlotte listen to our heartbeats with the stethoscope and then handed her the cabbage patch doll. She had a pretty puzzled look on her face as she listened for her heartbeat too... :)

Mommy, so proud of my little nurse, Charlotte

My "mini me"

I am not sure if Charlotte will really grow up to be a nurse. These days, she tells us she wants to be a rainbow or a flower. However, she does know a lot about "medicine" already, and can tell you exactly how to put on a blood pressure cuff. She knows when we get to the blood lab at Children's and St. John's. I can only hope that through all she has experienced, she finds some way to make the best of it. Maybe, like me, she will want to help others.

~Jenn

Tricycle Riding

2010-05-12T16:26:00.003-05:00

Charlotte has been working particulary hard during her extra session of Physical Therapy on mastering the skill of tricycle riding. She has a nice smoothe surface at Ranken Jordan to practice on, and her PT, Jamie, uses some special gauze tape to strap her feet to the pedals so she can focus on pushing with her legs instead of keeping her feet on the pedals (one thing at a time). At home, we don't have that special tape, however, we have modified her tricycle with hair rubberbands. This was her first trip out on her tricycle this season and she was all grins and so proud of herself.

Daddy even had to scoot her seat back this year. She has grown!!! An equal accomplishment to learning to ride her tricycle.

One thing she is particulary good at is steering. She is used to steering her walker, so the tricycle is not that much different. Sometimes she gets so focused on her feet, she forgets to steer, but most of the time, she does pretty good. The motion of reciprocal pushing with her legs is hard for her, especially when her left side is weaker, but she is so determined to be a big girl.

In the video, there was another little girl riding her bike across the street. I think that made Charlotte especially happy to be "just like her".

The Hawns

Stride & Ride FUN!!!

2010-05-11T21:37:00.006-05:00

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who donated money to the Stride & Ride for the MDA this year! Our team raised over $700.00! and the overall total for the event was more than $75,000!! I would say that is a success, considering they raised $30,000 more than last year. Pretty cool that the St. Louis community and our friends and families were a part of that and reached out to help other families that need the help of MDA.

We had never participated in the Stride & Ride, so we were not sure what to expect. We had a great time and all involved had a lot of fun, especially the kids. The morning started out like a pure dream for Charlotte. Anyone that knows her, knows she is very excited about Mickey or Minnie Mouse. As we were walking in to the mall, I noticed that there were some Disney Characters getting dressed outside. We went on in, and as we were standing at the registry table, the doors opened, and the awww on Charlotte's face was priceless. Here they were, coming straight to her, light shining behind them as if they were Angels themselves. She was so overcome with excitement, she was trembling head to toe. She was electified with excitement, and as the kneeled next to her, she hugged them and was speechless. Her day was already made, before the fun had even begun.

Meeting the characters for the first time
One of our first tasks was to make a poster for our group. Here is Aunt Kim, helping out.

Chris is the artistic one, not me, and Uncle Matt pitched in too.

Even cousin Jeff did some coloring

The whole group that came and walked with us. Thank you, everyone, for remembering Ryan with us, and remembering how important it is to give to organizations that make a difference.

A quick family photo

Grandpa and Charlotte flash their smiles

Charlotte was given this pig by a college friend of ours, Stacy. We thought it only fitting to bring her along for Charlotte's basket decor.

Saying a prayer together before the walk began. I love Charlotte's precious little hands clasped together.

Julianne hitching a ride on Uncle Matt. Maybe this is why they call it the "stride & ride"??

Charlotte put out her hitch-hiker thumb about 1/3 of the way around the 1 mile trip. She did her best, but was holding up the parade, so Chris picked up her walker and I flung her on my hip so we could catch up. She even got to ride on a few shoulders, Grandpa's and Daddy's.

Once we reached the finish line, her friends were right there waiting for a hug.

You don't see this everyday, Spidy

As if seeing the characters wasn't enough, she even got to ride the carousel with them! An opportunity of a lifetime for her.

Aunt Sara and cousin Ian

Charlotte, enjoying life just as a 3 year old should, marching to the beat of her own drum and loving every minute of it.

The Hawns

April News

2010-05-11T21:15:00.002-05:00

Because my current schedule has allowed for little time for personal "journaling", I am quite behind. However, I am making an attempt to keep up... I went to visit my Mom & Dad the weekend after Charlotte had surgery (she went with me), and also got to visit with my Aunt Norma, who had flown in from Virginia Beach. It was a great trip, short but full of fun.

First, my Mom and Grandma took Charlotte and I to the local "Airport Restaurant". It was such a beautiful day so there were a lot of planes landing for a bite to eat. Charlotte loved watching them land and take-off and wasn't very interested in eating. I think she ate most of her meal standing on her chair so she could see out of the window, but what are you going to do???

Watching the final plane take off
Then, that evening, we went to my Grandma Davidson's for a family get-together. Dad (Grandpa) enjoying some playtime with his grandaughter.

Charlotte was very excited to play with her second cousins, Michael and Lexi. She and Lexi are close in age and are great playmates.

My Dad and Aunts and Uncles. Uncle Allan, Aunt Linda, Dad, and Aunt Norma.

Many of the Davidson clan, but not all...

Beautiful lilac bushes make for cute pictures with Grandpa

And pictures with Lexi

Nurse of the Month

Many of you know that I was nominated by Chris for a "Nurse of the Month" contest for the Chamberlain College of Nursing. Cool thing is, I WON!!! (thanks for all the votes) This is the representative of the college (right) and representative from the radio station (left) that brought my department lunch (we are in our breakroom) and then presented me with a plaque and a $250.00 gift certificate to a spa!! Really cool and I was very honored to win and receive the award.

My family was there to celebrate with me. Chris knew that it was much more than winning an award. He nominated me because he knows I really do care a lot about my patients and want to do whatever I can to make a positive impact on their experience, especially when it is challenging, much like my own has been.

That does it for April... now we can move on to May... time flies!

Jenn

Prayer is Awesome

2010-04-24T20:39:00.002-05:00

My sister-in-law, Kim, told me a story tonight from her trip to Maryville, as she interviewed to attend college there just a few months ago. She went back today to make it official and sign up for classes, only to run into the same lady who interviewed her a few months ago. Part of the interview process was to write an essay, and Kim tells me she wrote about Ryan. The woman that Kim interviewed with did not admit it until today, that when she was interviewing Kim, she knew Ryan already. She is friends with someone who is friends with Chris and Pat, Gretchen. Gretchen had asked for prayers for our family, and that request reached this particular person, who told Kim today, that she keeps our family in her prayers. What an AWESOME thought to think just how far prayers can reach. Much farther than any of us imagine when they are first spoken or requested. Thank you Gretchen, for having the faith to ask for prayers on behalf of our family, and to this woman, whom I do not know, for praying faithfully for us. Thank you, Kim, for sharing the story with me. I love you!

This story prompted me, for some reason, to look back at old blog entries from when I first found out I was pregnant with Ryan. The smile on my face says it all, the words typed on the page from my heart. The end of the entry where we announced we were expecting again, talked about how we were strong in faith, and that all we really were hoping anyone would pray for, for us, was a healthy baby. When I read that, I wondered, does that mean our prayers were not answered?? It is hard admit that, no, they were not. But, that isn't the point of prayer is it?? It is not wrong to ask for what you hope for, or to let God know what is truly in your heart, even though he already knows. But, our requests may not always be His will. I think, the sooner we all let go of that need for control, the sooner we can all glorify God for all his good and spend more of our time seeking goodness in the blessings he has given and less time being angry for what we do not have. Trust, have faith, seek His plan for you, and there lies happiness.

~feeling insightful

Stride & Ride - Come Walk With Us

2010-04-23T15:51:00.004-05:00

Anyone who is going to participate in the Stride & Ride walk at the St. Louis Mill's Mall with us on May 1st from 8:30 - 9:30, I need to know who is coming. Please shoot me an email, davidson_jennifer@hotmail.com. They are making buttons for our team, and I want to be sure everyone has one! You need not have raised any money to come and walk with us. Also, if you have raised over $50.00, I need your shirt size :) You get a free t-shirt from the event.

Remember, our goal was to have the largest number of people there to walk for Ryan. Please join us for a stride around the mall and for a great organization that gives back to the St. Louis community, the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA)

Thanks!!!

~Jenn

Dare we say... Charlotte's Final Surgery?

2010-04-21T21:26:00.008-05:00

Preparing Charlotte for this surgery was a little bit different than in the past. Usually, we would just not tell her, and go to the hospital. But, recently, it has helped if we explain things so that she knows what to expect. Since she didn't like her belly leaking anymore than we did, we told her that the Dr.'s and nurses were going to fix her belly so it wouldn't leak anymore. Made sense to her and us. Although, she didn't know quite what all that entailed, she was happy to have it done. The surgery she had done seems pretty minor, however, because of the need to keep her belly empty, and to keep a close eye on her, they wanted to keep us overnight. This surgery is not common, since most G-buttons close on their own. 1/100 don't, and that is our "luck". So, ever since we found out she needed the surgery, I kept telling myself, we can do ONE more night in the hospital. We've already done 114, what is one more? One more was just that, one more night that highlights the fact that our child has to have yet another surgery... But, in efforts to be positive, we were determined to get through it together.

Charlotte started her day with some fun. Because we arrived early, we took her down to the gift shop to do some browsing. This marble "art" display always strikes her interest. It is just outside the door of the gift shop.

Taking advantage of her good mood, I aksed for a kiss :)

Flashing her sweet smile for the camera.

Just as we were headed upstairs to check-in for surgery, the Dr. Clowns came around the corner. Of course we stopped to have some fun with them, not too eager to go upstairs yet. One was playing a kazoo to the tune of the Mickey Mouse song, (Charlotte had her Minnie Mouse pj's on) and the other was blowing bubbles. Charlotte was having a blast stomping the bubbles.

In pre-op, Charlotte was such a good girl. No tears for vital signs or putting her bracelet on, she was pretty relaxed and because she was so good, the nurse gave her a pink crown! Charlotte got even more relaxed when we slipped her a cocktail (medicine to keep her from getting anxious when they took her from us into the OR). She was pretty silly and as limp as a rag doll in my arms. Grandma and Grandpa Hawn came to wish her well before surgery, as did one of our pastors from our church, Jimmy Cooper.

Luckily, the surgery went well and just as expected. After it was over, the smiles were gone (temporarily). Charlotte always has a really rough time coming out of anesthesia, as most kids do, and is very cranky! She hates the oxygen mask, and of course, needed it because her sats were a bit low, and had an NG tube in her nose (to drain her stomach), IV in her hand, stitches in her tummy and generally probably felt pretty crummy. She wants one position and one person usually, Mommy. This time was no exception. I held her for a couple hours in recovery, then rode the bed up with her in my arms to our room, where I proceeded to hold her for a couple more hours. Eventually, I had to get up to go to the bathroom! When I did, we discovered that her NG tube hadn't been working properly and she was very hypersensitive to the tube going down her throat (who wouldn't be). She threw up 6 times... :( That evening was pretty rough until we got her some medication to keep her from throwing up, pain under control and all her medications given. This all happened sometime around midnight, and then finally, we all got about 4 hours of good sleep. In the middle of the night, when she had started feeling a little bit better, she and I had a 15 minute conversation about her glowing thumb (LOL), which was the O2 sat monitor. She was making me laugh and I enjoyed snuggling back in bed with her, knowing she was feeling better.

Clinging to me right after surgery...

The next morning was much anticipated, since we were excited to be going home. We stayed on the 10th floor (the Penthouse) and had a beautiful view of Forest Park.

Good Morning!

We spent the morning watching a few cartoons, and then around 8 AM the Dr. came in to say she could have her NG tube out! YEAH! I felt so bad for her with that huge, uncomfortable thing going in her nose and down her throat. We were glad to get it out.

And now, she was mobile! Sara came for a few hours that morning to let us go get something to eat and to see Charlotte. We decided to get her up and in the wagon to go have some fun.

We headed for the rooftop garden first. Charlotte had a pretty cushy ride.

Enjoying some sunshine.

Glad to see her smile again!

And her silly side!

Daddy likes to take "artistic" pictures in this beautiful garden. It is so relaxing and peaceful up there, and of course, we couldn't resist the swing. We sat there for probably 20 minutes.

Looking up at the sign on top of the hospital.

Snuggle in sweetie.

When we came inside, we headed to the playroom next. Charlotte had no trouble finding things to do, and to our amazement, was not too sore to get up and walk around. She is such a trooper!

Playing hungry hungry hippos with Daddy.

Even some basketball! (IV still in)

Slam Dunk!

Cars, books, music, they have it all in there!

Charlotte was jamming on the guitar, mommy with the maracas, and daddy with the tambourine.

Back in the room, Charlotte regained a bit of her desire to drink again and put away the juice that the nurse had brought her.

While mommy went downstairs to get us lunch, a special visitor came by! Louie, the Blues mascot!!! Chris tells me that Charlotte was not afraid of him, but would NOT smile for a picture. She looks like "a deer in the headlights" if you ask me, but she was excited to receive a poster, Louie card and a backpack.

Charlotte was ready for some food at lunch time. We knew her eating and keeping it down was our ticket out of there. Daddy graciously took a stab at feeding her and she was ready and willing.

Looking happy, as were we when the orders for discharge were given!

So long, farewell! Charlotte had to go out in style, crown and all. Afterall, she had earned it. The nurse taught her how to princess wave on the way out.

Chris and I exchanged high fives on the way out. It was over.

The Hawns

Thirty-One Gifts - Open House

2010-04-18T21:49:00.002-05:00

You are invited to a:
Thirty-One Gifts
Open House

Consultant
Jennifer Hawn
4209 Golden Wheat Dr.

Saturday, April 24th 10:00am – 12:00pm

Reasons to come:
· Shop for unique and personalized products
· Socialize with neighbors from our block and other friends
· See the quality of Thirty-One products
· Learn about $$ making opportunities with Thirty-One
· Snacks!

***Kids are welcome. If you are unable to stop by, please feel free to visit my website and place an order online at www.mythirtyone.com/jennhawn

Specials to keep in mind:
· APRIL – Customers get FREE shipping when you spend $50

· MAY – Customers get the All-in-One Organizer bag for $5 when you spend $31
· MAY – Hostess gets DOUBLE the amount of FREE products for party totals $500-$999

Easter Celebration - 2010

2010-04-11T15:12:00.007-05:00

We had a great Easter this year! The day was absolutely gorgeous and gave us so many reasons to be thankful. We took so many pictures and it has taken me a while to get this post together. Our morning started off at home where the Easter Bunny hopped his way over to our house and left Charlotte some treats.

She came out of her room, pushing her dress up box, only to find the goodies that the Easter Bunny had left for her to play with.
She even got some of her new FAVORITE iced animal cookies!

As we were getting ready for church, she continued to play with her dress-up and emerged from her room looking like this. Too cute!

Posing by one of our bushes out back. I love this picture! This dress is one that my mother made for me when I was a little girl, and I wore it for Easter once too.

On the bridge of her clubhouse.

After church, we went to Pat & Kristy's for the afternoon. We took some family pictures before changing our clothes and spending the afternoon enjoying the warm sun and cool breeze.

Kristy, Julianne, Jeff & Pat

Kim, Terry & Steve

Grandma & Grandpa Hawn with their Grandchildren

And then, the Easter Egg Hunt began!

Julianne was a quick learner this year

Charlotte decided to ditch her walker for the hard to reach eggs

However, her basket sure did come in handy because she got A LOT of eggs!

Jefferson being a good big brother, carrying Julianne's basket and helping her find some eggs

The Easter Bunny found a way to leave some goodies at Pat & Kristy's too. Here, she is holding up her favorite candy, M & M's

Charlotte got to play with her cousin Jeff a lot. They play very well together and are quite the pair.

Jefferson got a sandbox for Easter from Grandma and Grandpa Hawn. They felt like they were on the beach on vacation.

But were soon put to work with their bubble lawn mowers...

(This makes me smile)

Charlotte also had fun with Julianne, pushing her in her car and on the swing. I am not sure who was having the most fun.

Grandpa even turned into a kid again!

So thankful for family and the great times we have together

The Hawns

Sport

2010-04-11T14:48:00.005-05:00

Charlotte has been practicing learning some new sports with Daddy. She got a T-Ball set and her own Golf set to play with outdoors. This is the first year that Charlotte has been able to walk around outside without the use of her walker. She is already enjoying her new found freedom very much and we couldn't be happier for her.

Go explore Charlotte!

The Hawns

Stride & Ride - MDA

2010-04-03T20:04:00.003-05:00

We are participating in an MDA fundraiser, on May 1st, held at the St. Louis Mill's Mall. The event is in the morning with registration from 8:30-9:30 and the walk at 9:30. We have made it our personal goal to try to have the largest number of people there to walk in honor of Ryan. Money raised will help benefit research and provide needed assistance to over 2,000 families in the St. Louis area.

We have created a team, "Flying Pigs" and we are both trying to raise money for the event. If you are interested in donating to either of us, click here for Chris and here for Jenn. Making a donation is very easy to do online and is much appreciated.

If you are interested in becoming a member of our team and raising some money for the MDA, please click here to register under "Flying Pigs". Any team member that raises $50.00 will get a free t-shirt from the event. Think of how easy it is to raise $50.00 and how much it would mean to us to have you walking with us in honor of our son.

If you would just like to come and walk with us, of course we want you there! If you have any questions at all, please feel free to email Jenn at davidson_jennifer@hotmail.com

The Hawns

Ronald Lee Pool, AKA Papa

2010-03-25T20:01:00.004-05:00

Jenn's Grandpa Pool went into the hospital Tuesday with some breathing problems, and yesterday he took a turn for the worse. I'm sorry to say that he passed away this evening surrounded by family, including his granddaughters Jenn and Sara. Below are a few pictures we've taken of him over the years. As you can tell, he was full of life and love.

We will all miss this wonderful husband, father, grandfather, and great grandfather....but to our family he was known simply as Papa.

We will miss you Papa...

The Hawn's

TMZ

2010-03-21T16:57:00.006-05:00

Charlotte (Brittany) caught pushing her baby around "town" without proper restraint in the stroller!!!

Traversing over difficult terrain, child nearly falls out of seat!

Multitasking at a local market.

Shielding her baby from the flashes of our TMZ photographers. Baby nearly chokes to death.

At a local eatery, movie star, Charlotte Hawn, tasting a bit of fine cuisine of homemade meatloaf with a ketchup glaze, and cinnamon Gala applesauce, paired with vit D milk, enriched with pediasure for added calories. Her tab ran up to $3.00!

Trying to blend in at the restaurant.

Ending her day with a bit of grocery shopping at the refrigerator magnet market. All organic of course!

We caught up with Charlotte Hawn for one final pose for the camera on her way out for the evening.

TMZ - Hawn Style

Candids of Charlotte

2010-03-21T16:42:00.005-05:00

headed to church

We took a quick self portrait, and the I took one of me kissing her on the cheek. Then, she did the one below. How cute!

Kisses for Mommy

Silly Charlotte

Love that smile

Monkey cousins. Ian had monkeys on his pajamas too.

Playing with gifts Grandma Valorie brought with her when she came. Cheering for KU in the Tournament.

The Hawns

Guest Bathroom Remodel

2010-03-21T16:28:00.004-05:00

We started ripping out our bathroom for remodel the first weekend in March. We were successful in getting everything torn out so we could start putting it back together the following weekend. The old vanity was falling apart, our tub needed either re glazed or replaced, the light fixture is hideous, the linoleum in bad condition, so everything came out, hoping we could get it all back together in a timely manner.

Gutted!

Charlotte's favorite part by far has been the trips to Home Depot, which she claims is now her favorite store. Chris and I think it is because we let her walk in there and ride in the "race car" shopping cart.

My "Handy Manny"

New tub, successfully installed!

nailing it in place

Current stage: Chris has finished cutting all of the tile today and is now ready to set it.

Good progress made!

The Hawns

Sometime Around 4 AM

2010-03-19T04:46:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, I was really missing Ryan. Chris and I are still trying to fit together the puzzle pieces of our life and try to decide which direction we should be traveling, all the while trying to listen and be open to any subtle cues from God to help us. We feel many decisions that are ahead of us are decisions we do not want to make, but must. Many times, I just feel completely overwhelmed by them. Yesterday, as I was feeling this overwhelmed feeling, over and over again, my mind always turns to Ryan. I think of how much I love him, miss him, want him. He completed our lives when he was born and without him here, a void, larger than the sea, has been left in our lives.

As we were getting ready to relax for the evening last night, I said to Chris, "I miss him so much, I just wish I knew he was right here with us. That he knew what we were doing, how much we miss him, how much I still love him (so deeply)"

We went to bed around 11:00 pm. At 3:00, I heard Charlotte whimpering a little bit and I went to check on her. She peacefully fell back asleep and so did I. Then, at 4:38 am, I awoke, feeling as if my heart wanted to burst and tears began streaming from my eyes. I just had a dream of RYAN!!! I could hardly contain the joy inside me and as Chris stirred next to me, I was thankful I didn't have to wake him up to tell him about the dream. (**This is only the second dream I had ever had of Ryan, both occurred at 4:30 am**)

THE DREAM:
My dream began with him as a little baby, me knowing quite well that he was very, very sick. I had to take Charlotte somewhere, and decided to bring him with me. Although he was sick, I remember NO tubes, machines, wires, feeding tubes, nothing on his beautiful precious face. He was in an infant seat. I took Charlotte where she needed to be and then went to find a room to get him out of his carrier. As I got him out (I was at SJMMC, the hospital where I work), I cradled him gently, thinking to myself, "he may die right here, right now". Then, I went to get a warm wash cloth for his face, and his eyes popped wide open! He smiled, he cooed, he smiled some more, showing of his adorable chubby cheeks and staring deep into my eyes with his. I was overjoyed, in disbelief. I felt him in my arms and held him so closely, looking into his blue eyes and so thankful for the moment. All of a sudden, my sister was with me, in the room. She and I were joyful together, in tears, so happy that Ryan was feeling good. Then, he seemed to start aging. I set him down on a bed, and he was trying to crawl forward. He almost toppled off the bed and my sister caught him. A pillow was in his way, so I moved the pillow. Then another obstacle, and I moved it too. Lovingly, I said to my sister "Can you see? I will do anything for him". He began to age even more, and then slowly after that, I woke up and sobbed.

Ryan heard my plee yesterday. That dream was such a sweet gift from my beautiful, happy and very full of life, little boy. I don't usually get up in the middle of the night to write things down. But as I lay in bed, I was afraid I would forget the details of the dream. I whispered to Chris, I want to go write it down, and he said "you should". So here I am, at 5:05 am, finished explaining what just happened and so glad I did. The joy in my heart right now is immeasurable. If I could share this feeling with everyone that is missing him just as we are, I would. Just pray, and know somewhere out there, he knows exactly what we are doing and how much we love him, forever.

I love you Ryan. Thank you.

~Jenn

And the Award Goes To....

2010-03-16T22:23:00.004-05:00

Althought I am not the winner of an Academy Award, I do feel very honored to announce that I am one of the winners of the "Nurse of the Month" contest, held by the Chamberlain College of Nursing!!! If you didn't see our note about it at the top of our blog a few weeks ago, Chris nominated me for the competition. A co-worker of his told him about it, and Chris jumped at the chance to let me shine a little. The voting began and votes poured in, all the while, us unable to see which contestant had the most votes. The contest was closed about a week and a half ago and although they posted the results a few days later, I didn't believe them until I received a phone call tonight, telling me that I had won!

They will be presenting me with an award, and providing lunch for myself and 20 of my co-workers, AND giving me a spa gift certificate for $250.00! What a great prize! But, there is more... All of the collective winners from each month, are placed in a final drawing for $2,000 towards a vacation!!! So, you can imagine that I am really, really excited to win this contest and can only imagine how great a vacation might feel. It has been some time since we were able to take one and speaking for Chris, we both feel that a vacation would be great for us at this point for so many reasons. Let's hope luck is on our side when it comes time for the drawing in July.

Thank you so much for voting. I am not sure that I am actually "nurse of the month" material, I know so many wonderful nurses that I look up to myself. But, when I think of what nursing has meant to my career and my personal life, I know I was destined to be one. Nursing has been a VERY important part of my life that I strive to learn from and better my life with each day, and somewhere along the way, I hope I am impacting others as well.

Thank you,
Jenn

Ding Dong the "Button" is GONE!

2010-03-02T13:22:00.002-06:00

Chris went in to get Charlotte up Monday morning and found her button in bed next to her!!! This was definitely a blessing in our eyes, as the night before, I had written an note to myself to call her GI Dr. to get it scheduled to be taken out. It was 2 years ago, to the date, that is was first put in; ironic. Chris found the balloon of the g-button deflated. My theory: Charlotte horsed around too much with her cousin the day before, put a small leak in the balloon of the tube, and it completely emptied and then fell out. Without a doubt, we are ecstatic!

It made for an interesting Monday, me trying to find some way to keep her stomach from emptying everything she was eating through the hole that was left behind. We resorted to a good, thick pressure dressing and are hoping that it closes on it's own. Worst case scenario, she will need a little sedation later this week/early next, so the Dr. can put a stitch in there and help close it up. So glad to say GOOD RIDDENS to that unsightly plastic tube, but also thankful we had the option to place it when we needed it 2 years ago. Things just keep looking up for her :)

~Jenn

Dance Class

2010-02-24T20:40:00.002-06:00

This was so much fun and Chris and I were two very proud parents tonight. This was our trial run, and now that Charlotte is equipped with ballet slippers and tap shoes, she is ready to begin attending dance class weekly. She had a great time and we both think this opportunity is great for her! Our little "bird" is growing up and doing things we couldn't have imagined just a few months ago. She is so brave and we are extremely proud of her.

The Hawns

Out On the Town with MDA

2010-02-23T21:01:00.004-06:00

We were invited and attended the "Muscle Team Bash" event that the MDA held in honor of News Channel 5 anchor and MDA telethon host, Mike Bush. It was a great event and fun to see all of the auction items and to get dressed up for a change.

I remember taking pictures like this when we were dating... it's been a while.

The event was held at Chaifetz Arena at SLU. Do you like my other date?

We also got the opportunity to enjoy a blues games with some other MDA families. We really had a great evening and have great ideas and hopes of doing more fundraising with the MDA in the future. They are a great organization that helps children and families who need it.

The Hawns

Charlotte's Dr. Appointment

2010-02-08T21:09:00.007-06:00

We have been talking about a "big" Dr. appointment coming up for Charlotte for quite some time... We had decided recently that despite all of the support and encouragement we had been receiving that Charlotte was doing okay, we still, as her parents, had to trust our gut feeling and seek a second opinion. The only way I can explain this is to admit that we are like any other parents. We simply want the best for her. We tire daily of seeing her physically so far behind her peers and even children who are younger than her, and celebrate when we hear something smart or smart-alic come out of her mouth, just like any other kid her own age. We have been so enthusiastic and reassured by all of the progress she has made with walking and her cognitive skills, especially in the past 6 months, but continued to worry about her slow growth and high blood pressure. So, we committed to seeking a second opinion, solely for her benefit. Not to make her fit into a person she is not meant to be, but for reassurance that we as her parents have done all we physically can do to help her reach her maximum potential. To Children's Hospital, we went, on Feb. 6th.

Charlotte, showing off her painted fingernails, something I did with her a few weeks ago when we were both home sick. We had to find some fun and she loved it!

So, we met with Dr. Keating, recommended to us by another physician that we fully respect. Dr. Keating is a "Diagnostician" and we felt that his objective opinion would do one of two things. Tell us that we have opened/knocked on every door possible for our daughter, or, tell us we have dropped the ball and we have a few more avenues to pursue. We felt either recommendation would be bittersweet, but nothing compared to the questions that roll around in our minds about her and her well being each day. It seemed this was the only way to squelch those burning questions in our minds.

Dr. Keating reviewed ALL of her records before the appointment, was soft spoken, asked a few questions, examined Charlotte and pretty much gave us a "pat on the back". He assured us by saying that he was happy that as her parents, we had not pursued more aggressive ways to "feed" Charlotte to make her grow, and he fully supported the removal of her G-button (more on that later), and he was happy that we had already arrived at that decision without his approval. It just felt good to hear that from him too. He also stated that he doesn't think she is probably going to be a child who will benefit from Growth Hormone (something that has been stressing me out). I worry about administering it to her (injections) without much benefit. He thinks that even though she is very short, she is probably not "deficient" in growth hormone. It is important to test her, but ultimately, he feels that we will not find that injecting her with it will provide much benefit. Dr. Keating was impressed by the petite, feisty little firecracker she was, smart and methodical, looking very far less "worse for the wear" than her on paper medical record self portrait. Overall, he was rather impressed by our little lovely, and as her parents, all we can say is that we are too.

Charlotte, trying on a dress my mother made for me when I was a little girl. My mom says I wore it for Easter Sunday. I think Charlotte will too :)

As we shook hands with this Dr. Keating and exited Children's, I felt relief overcome me. I was slightly disappointed that there wasn't more that he thought of to help our daughter. But I was so thankful that he saw that we weren't there for a "quick fix" or to make her something she is not intended to be. I love our little lady, and will always love her no matter what size she is. I was so happy that we didn't end the appointment with another blood draw, or plans for several more! I am tired of seeing her hurt and not being able to take it all for her, just as we couldn't for Ryan. I LOVED the fact that maybe we can just love her more and not worry so much. I know I will still worry about her, especially her blood pressure and how that will affect her long term, but today, tomorrow, next week, we can just focus on letting her be the petite mighty girl she is. What a blessing to finally feel able to do that. I am disappointed in myself a little that I didn't trust what some of our physicians were saying more, but when you get conflicting messages, it is hard to know what is right. Honestly, I think we did what any parents would do. We just needed a little more confidence, and we did get that.

Getting ready for church one Sunday...

All in all, it was a good appointment, and since then, I have discovered felt some peace about it. I do still look at her and think "you are Soooo tiny" and just this weekend, she was walking around our house in her little leggings and t-shirt, like a new foal, sticks for legs and falling time after time. But, she gets up, she keeps trying and someday, things will probably be different. There will probably be a day that I don't remember that she fit into her size 12 month shorts when she was almost 4! I know Charlotte has so much ahead for her in life. She is the sunshine in my day, and almost everyday that I go to pick her up from school, I get tears in my eyes with the anticipation of her beaming smile running to me for a big hug. She means the world to Chris and I, and we would bend over backwards to give back to her a fraction of what she has brought into our lives.

Love you Sharlie Girl...

Mom & Dad

Pig Pen

2010-01-31T19:53:00.005-06:00

Call us a little bit silly, but who knew that "pigs with wings" would become such a craze in our household. Just a reminder, this whole thing started when we were planning our wedding. My mother was making a wedding quilt for us and a tradition of hers is to put a square for each of us, of something we like. I have a small collection of different butterflies (not real ones) and Chris got started collecting pigs when he was little by his Great Grandma Crutchfield. So, my mom put one square with a butterfly and one with a pig, right next to each other and we came up with the name for the quilt, "When Pigs Fly". We got a couple of pigs with wings on our wedding day, and have randomly received/collected them since. We have QUITE the collection now, and decided to take pictures of them. This doesn't even count the many Christmas Ornaments that we have packed away safely downstairs.

Although we didn't anticipate this when we started our collection, the pig with wings has become much more than a fictitious character. It symbolizes the unique characteristics of our marriage and our combined lives together, and ultimately, our children too. Somehow, our family, even during difficult times, is beating the odds, looking up to the sky and spreading our wings just as far and as high as they will take us...

A purse holder

Chris' extensive pig collection, over 75% of the cabinet, my butterflies on the top shelves only!

This poster isn't a pig with wings, but was a cute addition to Charlotte's play area. This movie came out the year she was born...

Ryan's shirt...

Created by an artist on a Ipod Touch

Made by a friend of ours for Charlotte (bows on ears and tail)

Blown Glass - safely made it to our house all the way from Colorado!!!

Ryan's piggy too...

The original pig, I registered for it on our Wedding Registry!!!

Charlotte, trying to add Gracie to our collection, unsuccessfully, I might add...

If anyone still wants pig with wings shirts from our Trivia Night last summer, we have LG, XL and XXL. Just send either one of us an email, see my address on the right side column.

The Hawns

Ryan's 1st Birthday

2010-01-31T19:48:00.004-06:00

***This is a long post, but I really wanted to capture this day. It was special in many different ways. I hope you have the time to read it to find out why...***

Ryan's first birthday was a day we will never forget. It wasn't quite the first birthday party we thought we would be planning a year ago, but we found a way to make it special and something that we felt good about. Thank you to everyone who took time out of their busy lives to celebrate with us and everyone who came to eat German Chocolate cake with us the night before. We are so blessed to have so much support from our friends and family.

Our day started out at Charlotte's school, we let her bring treats in for the class in honor of Ryan's birthday. She was really excited about it, and later, when the treats were handed out, Charlotte was given the opportunity in front of her whole class to tell about her brother, Ryan. When she spoke, her words were simple and heartfelt, "Ryan is with Jesus". Whenever Charlotte sees my cross, she says something about Ryan and Jesus. I am not sure she totally understands what she is saying, but I fully hope that belief in this promise stays with her her entire life. We walked in to pick her up, just after she had made her "announcement" to the class. When we walked in, her teachers were grabbing kleenex to wipe the tears in their eyes. I am so thankful for the way she reminds us how simple and sweet the love of Jesus is.

After we had dropped Charlotte off, we went to breakfast. Chris and I had planned to spend the day together, however, we hadn't planned to do anything. It seemed impossible to find "the right thing" to do to honor him. We went to breakfast to brainstorm. Finally, we came up with the idea of delivering "Birthday Cake" to all of the departments at SJMMC that had made a difference in his and our lives. We quickly planned to go to Sam's and buy 4 sheet cakes and enough plates and silverware for each department. Since what we really wanted to do was celebrate, this seemed perfect.

After breakfast, we went to Ryan's grave for some quiet moments together. We wanted to clean the headstone and remove the flowers from Christmas to replace them with flowers for later in the evening when our friends and family would join us. We stood out there quiet, prayed together, and told Ryan we loved him. We cleaned off his headstone, thankful that we had his picture and the memory of the background picture to look at and remember, God is always in our lives.

Then, off to Sam's we went, found 4 sheet cakes, decorated them with a big "Thank You" and headed to St. John's to deliver. We went to the Perinatal Lab first, then Labor & Delivery, NICU, and finally PICU. We left a note in each department and saw a few physicians and nurses that knew our family well. It was good to reconnect with them and to know that Ryan was remembered, dearly. As we went to leave St. John's Mercy, God, once again, made his presence known in my life. I was on the phone, trying to get ahold of a friend we were going to try to see, when down the corridor of the entrance into the hospital, one of the Wing's Nurses, Kim, was walking towards me, saying "Jenn??" My jaw quite possibly hit the floor. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes and I nearly ran to greet her. Kim was the nurse that was on duty the night that Ryan died and came to our house to ease us through those painful hours. She graciously gave us all of the time we needed and with him and held us up, along with our pastor, Robin, when we weren't sure we could stand. I hadn't seen Kim since Ryan's funeral, but had thought of her many many times since. Sometimes, I just want to submerge myself in people who really knew Ryan, people who I know haven't forgotten who he was. God placed her there, for me, at that very moment. And I looked up at my husband to say, "There are no mistakes in this world". He knew I needed to see her, and graciously, intricately, put her right there for me. We could have done a number of things differently that day, and so could she, and our paths wouldn't have crossed. She doesn't even work at St. Johns. So, we hugged and cried and knew what was in the other's heart before it was spoken. Thank you, Kim, for being there. You have no idea how much I needed to see you and how "perfect" that moment seemed to me.

We said our goodbyes and headed out. We wanted to get some flowers and a balloon for Ryan's grave for later that evening. After scouring a few florists and making some phone calls for anyone who had some "blue delphinium", we found a florist in St. Peters that had some. We went straight there to pick out the arrangement. As we pulled in the parking lot, I had just tried calling my sister without getting ahold of her. Then, we see their car, at the same florist. Nathan let us know that Sara was inside, and we went in. She and I looked at each other in amazement, but at the same time, she says she wasn't at all surprised that it was me. In fact, when she told them she was looking for blue flowers, she had asked if she was the person who had just called.... Sara and I hugged, again, God knowing I needed a sister hug, and she finished picking out her bouquet. We said our goodbyes, and Chris and I picked out the arrangement for Ryan's grave. The florist clerk said she remembered Ryan's funeral this summer, and expressed her condolences. She also told me that she understood that buying flowers isn't always for a "good" occasion, and she had lost twin boys at 5 months pregnant. She encouraged me to go to "share" an organization for grieving parents that I have heard of before, and I asked her to email me for their next meeting. It will be nice to see a familiar face, thanks Kelly.

After picking out flowers, we headed home for some down time and I had some homework to do. As I sat at the kitchen table, I glanced up outside to see a beautiful display of puffy white snowflakes falling to the ground. It snowed buckets the day Ryan was born last year, and secretly I was praying it would snow today too. The flakes came down so beautifully, just enough to cover the ground and transform the deadness of the ground into a winter wonderland full of beauty.

The snow was brief but so special.

As we got ready to leave and prepared to bring all that we needed, we took some pictures of flowers that were sent for us to lay on Ryan's grave. This bunch came from my brother and his wife, Laura. It was very beautiful.

After picking Charlotte up and the flowers, we went straight to the cemetery. The flowers that are at the base of the vase were from my mother. White and blue, just as we had picked out. The snow made the cemetery look like a wintery garden, swans in the lake, and a feeling of peace surrounded us as we stood out in the cold.

Charlotte stayed bundled in the car until everyone who was joining our get together had arrived.

Terry brought balloons for us all to release. After saying a few words, we lit Ryan's cupcake, which he blew out very quickly, and sang Happy Birthday to him. At precisely 5:14, we let our balloons sail up into heaven for him and all of his new buddies to enjoy. That moment for me was probably the most awkward of the day. There was so much I wanted to say, to convey to the wonderful people who had joined us, and the right words didn't seem to come out. How do you tell someone "thank you" for celebrating a first birthday in a cemetery? As much as it seems weird, it was something I had to do. I didn't want the day to go unrecognized, and I want Ryan to know that we will ALWAYS celebrate the day he came into our lives, planted like a little seed that is still a flower in bloom. His life, so fragile, so delicate, but his will and his presence, so strong in our hearts.

Anyone who attended was invited to leave their flowers at his grave, thank you to Ali, Kelly, John, William, Amelia, Joyce, Maureen and your grandson, Brian & Rebekah, Pat & Kristy, Matt, Kim, Terry & Steve, Amy, Brad & Becky, Kelly, Grandma Crutchfield, Sara, Nathan & Ian, and Pastor Robin. Your continued love and comfort have made a difference much more than you know.

As we left the graveyard, we bowed our heads for a prayer of thanks and gratitude for the 183 days our lives were blessed with such an inspirational little boy. The evening was setting in and the sky growing darker. Had we not had to leave and hadn't it been so cold, we probably would have stayed longer... I know I for one, didn't want to leave as I feel every time I am there. But, we have to leave, we have to continue on, we have to put one foot in front of another and welcome the rest of the blessings that we are meant to enjoy in this lifetime. So we left the cemetery and a few of us went to dinner together to continue our "celebration". Many of us were dressed in our "pig" shirts, including Charlotte.

Ryan's birthday was expectantly hard. I cried when I needed to cry, and smiled at the thought of our sweet little boy, toddling around in heaven with cake plastered to his face, celebrating with other angel babies in heaven. I was reminded that God is always in our lives, by a few of the "coincidences" if you will that happened throughout the day. But, I really think that there were actually no coincidences, just sweet little moments, planned from above to let us know, that He is still in our lives and so is Ryan.

The day was as perfect as could be...

Jenn

Birthday Eve and Trivia Night Movie

2010-01-26T21:06:00.003-06:00

Some family and friends came over this evening to eat Ryan's "traditional" German chocolate cake on his birthday eve. It was nice to spend the evening telling stories about him and looking at pictures and videos we had of him. I'm not sure how I feel about tomorrow....Jenn and I talked about how it seems crazy that he would be 1 tomorrow...where did the year go...I guess that is one negative about trying to stay busy...to keep your mind occupied. But it still feels good to talk about him, share the good memories, and I suppose tomorrow will be a continuation of that. Keeping his memory alive and fresh in our hearts and mind.

I finally took the time to work on a slide show for the trivia night we had last July. If you attended, and invited others, let them know to take a look. We have a lot of great pictures (thanks to Amy) and I don't think many people avoided the camera throughout the night.

Goodnight,

Chris, and Family

Celebrating Ryan's Life

2010-01-23T10:40:00.004-06:00

In memory of Ryan and in honor of his 1st Birthday, on Wednesday, the 27th, we are inviting anyone who would like to join us to meet at his grave site at the St. Charles Memorial Gardens at 5:00 pm. He was born at 5:14 pm. We will be releasing some balloons and singing him happy birthday, and I am bringing him his birthday cupcake. If you would like to bring something, I would suggest maybe a flower for his grave. We would be honored to have anyone attend that wishes to.

It is hard to know how to honor him best, since nothing seems to compare to watching a 1 year old dive into their first taste of cake and icing... We hope you come and celebrate his life with us, his birthday was one of the greatest days of our lives.

Love,

Chris, Jenn & Charlotte

If you are not sure of where his grave is located, you will see our cars on the other side of the lake, towards the back of the cemetary.

St. Charles Memorial Gardens

3950 West Clay

St. Charles, MO 63301

Patience Is A Virtue

2010-01-13T21:46:00.002-06:00

But, patience, I had little of today...

First of all, something I haven't written about is that I am once again, a student. I am back in school, not working on my nursing credentials, but adding the letters, RDMS to BSN. I am working on my Registered Diagnostic Medical Sonography license. I began taking classes in January, one week ago, and will be accelerated through the program to finish in August. I have to record several hours of actual "scanning" time in the perinatal lab before I will sit for the exam and hopefully pass. I am enjoying the opportunity to gain deeper knowledge about high risk pregnancies and really study this in depth. It amazes me, each day I am in school, that any of us do come out "normal", however, I am hoping I can use this knowledge I am gaining about all the things that can go wrong in pregnancy, to help someone, someday, have a more successful pregnancy/outcome. So, anyway, enough about that. I am in class 3 days a week, work 1, do clinical 1. I am busy...

But, today, my lack of patience had nothing to do with having to wait an absurd amount of time, or sit in a long line of traffic. It was much more personal than that. I approached my teacher to ask permission to miss a class, January 27th, Ryan's birthday. In the past week, what has been so difficult about being in class is that no one there knows anything about me, or what is really sloshing around in my heard and filling those crevices in my brain that aren't being jammed up with anatomy and physiology of pregnancy. There is a wide variety of ages in my class, but somehow, it just hasn't seemed like the right time to say "Hey, by the way, I'm a little sad today.... my son died a few months ago, and his birthday is coming up soon... could you be a little sensitive?" That is what I would like to say, but it just doesn't feel right. I can't even talk about him, something that usually brings me comfort. And some days, I despise that the only reason I am sitting there is because Ryan is not here anymore. I am pursuing this opportunity out of respect for him, but every day, I would much rather he be here.

Anyway, after I gave my teacher a quick explanation of why I would not be in class, stoically, I excused myself and headed straight for an empty bathroom stall to let the tears roll down my face. It was cold in there and as I stood there, my back leaning on the stall, I felt very alone. My life has turned so many corners and as happy as I am to have the opportunity to grow as a professional, it hurts too, a lot.

I returned to class (it was our lunch break), convinced that if I just didn't look up and busied myself with my work, no one would notice the glassy look in my eyes. And no one did.

Then, as the afternoon went on, a few students were complaining about random things, about the class work, what they didn't want to do that night, etc. I just couldn't take it, I wanted to shout at them. I had very little patience for anything that they were upset about, enveloped in my feeling of loneliness and longing to hold my son. I have noticed that I have little tolerance for anything positive that others have to say right now. It is not that I am not happy for them, I just hurt, and it is hard, especially, when others are so happy. I pray that I feel that again... As my day went on, other things triggered my feeling of disgust and impatience, but I held my tongue and managed to not lash out at them. They should not be punished for being happy... I just wasn't ready to join in today.

And then, I picked Charlotte up from school. When I arrived in her classroom, they were getting ready to go outside, since it is finally warm enough! Not wanting her to miss this opportunity, we stayed with the class to play outside a bit. It felt so good to be outside with the evening sun warmly lighting the sky. She made me laugh, made me giggle, put a smile on my face that had cried and cried. We loaded in the car and headed for home, and as we pulled into the garage and I turned the car off, she says to me, "Mommy, I love you." Powerful words from a 3 year old to her grieving mother. Sometimes, I think it is Ryan talking to me through her. He knew that I needed to hear that. As I got her out of the car, I hugged her as tight as I could. Tomorrow, I will try to be more patient...

Jenn

Happy New Year

2010-01-08T15:07:00.006-06:00

I had lots of pictures to post from last year and some great favorites already from 2010. Enjoy...

After Christmas, we bought a Wii and I especially wanted the Wii fit programs. Charlotte has been joining me with stretching out and some of the simple instructions. It is so cute to see her do it with me.

Stretching out after my elliptical workout.

She is waaay more flexible than I am. I think she'll be ready for dance lessons next year. She is great at following directions.

Ever since we raised Charlotte's bed up, she has been really excited about it. We catch her in there reading like this sometimes.

New Year's Pose... sometime after midnight. As the new year came, I was not ready for it. I didn't want to say goodbye to 2009, even though we experienced so much pain, there was also great joy. I also knew that January approaching was going to be a difficult time for us. We miss our little boy so much, and as I wander around the house, I imagine myself tripping over two toddling little kids. I can just picture him and Charlotte, romping around after each other. Chris and I plan to be together on his birthday, doing something to celebrate him. I have already bought his German Chocolate cake to make. Wish we were really celebrating with cake in the face and everything...

We are all quick to say how much Charlotte looks like her Aunt Kim, comparing pictures of the two of them at the same age. But, even here, there is no denying the resemblance.

We took Charlotte to the Magic House for some kid fun. My favorite part was the mini grocery shopping store they had. It was really fun.

Pretending to be President...

There was a Curious George exhibit at Magic House, and Charlotte was thrilled!

She even got to meet him!

Getting ready to go, I did Charlotte's hair and couldn't get over how cute she looked in braided pigtails. I LOVE having a girl, her hair is getting so long now!

Cute cute CUTE!

Playing with her phone that she got from Uncle Matt and Aunt Laura at Christmas.

Since we are having frigid temperatures, wanted to be sure to post these pictures. We bought her these snow pants with her Birthday money, and the boots, we bought last year. They still fit... She was bundled up when we went to the Angel of Hope Ceremony.

Pink Marshmallow Girl

It was late when we left the ceremony. She was Passed OUT!

Silly Charlotte, says to me from the backseat "Mommy, I got a puppet show!"

Painting a picture.

We raised Charlotte's bed up just before Christmas. She was so excited and squealed as she got on it the first time. She was given this stool when she was a baby from Chris' cousins, and she loves using it to get up and down the bed. It has come in very handy.

Happy as can be!

Showing off how good she can get up and down.

Modeling her new robe and pajamas.

And again, demonstrating proper technique for climbing into and out of bed.

On a side note, I also want to add that we are seeing a new specialist the beginning of February. He is a "diagnostician" and hopefully, will be able to be a new set of eyes/brains to help us feel more comfortable that we are doing everything we should be for Charlotte. It seems as if her current specialists are stuck and our pediatrician doesn't seem concerned about her, but Chris and I are. We see her falling further and further behind her peers in growth and stamina, and just feel like we need a second opinion. We have requested all of her records be faxed to the new Dr. and are anticipating our first appointment coming up. If he seems to agree with our pediatrician, then good, but if he has new ideas of possible explanations for her very slow growth, high blood pressure, etc. Then bring it on. We just want to know we are doing everything we can for her.

She is holding up her end of the bargain by continuing to make strides in walking better each day, and progressing nicely with speech and expressive language. Her comprehension is superb. Way to go Charlotte! Let's just see if we can get you to grow!

The Hawns

Christmas Day

2010-01-03T21:33:00.005-06:00

Christmas Day was a lot of fun. Charlotte was so happy with what Santa brought her and as you will see in the video, realized exactly what was going on. She only asked for two specific items for Christmas, scissors (she loves cutting anything!) and a dolly. Santa was so great and found some way to tuck both of those items under the tree. Charlotte got a lot of things she needed this year, and a few things she didn't know she would love.

After we opened gifts at our house on Christmas morning, we went to Sara and Nathan's for a little while, and then over to Chris' parents to celebrate with his family. It was a great day of fun with the kids and our family.

This is just a little Christmas montage video. This was Charlotte's favorite Christmas book this year, given to her by Grandma Valorie last year. I love her antics, half way through singing Jingle Bells *like the 3rd time* Also in this vide is Christmas morning...

Charlotte is the perfect mix of girlie and tomboy. I love it!

Helping Daddy open too.

Somthing pretty.

Charlotte painted on her easil and Mommy helped her frame her art to for Daddy to take to work.

Mommy got a GPS, very useful!

One of Charlotte's favorite gifts. She loves this book/song and sings it all the time. When she opened the game, she was all smiles, screaming the song to us.

Over at Chris' parents.

A gift for Grandma and Grandpa

Charlotte's favorite gift this year, a train set that she "conducts" with the electronic handheld controller.

Cousin Julianne

Kim, Chris, & Jenn

Kim, Great Grandma Crutchfield & Jenn

Grandpa & Charlotte

Like father like son.

A great holiday!

The Hawns

Christmas Eve

2009-12-29T20:48:00.006-06:00

When we are home to celebrate the Christmas holiday with Chris' family, we start with Christmas Eve at his cousin, David and Christine Sadler's house. They graciously host all of the family for one crazy, chaotic, good time, full of white elephant for the adults, a smorgasbord of simple gifts for the kids, and lots of good, good food. Paper goes flying, kids run around scattering toys everywhere, drinks are poured, and everyone has a great time! Each year it is exciting to see how the kids have grown and the new things they are in to. Since we don't get together near often enough, I am always amazed by just how grown up they get every time I see them. I often wonder if everyone else feels that way about Charlotte since she is growing at the pace of a snail (more about this later).

However, this year was much different for us. We were all quite amused by her determination to keep up with all of the other kids. She was absolutely fearless for the first time around this group of kids. She played hard and crashed even harder when it was finally time for bed, a sign that she too, had an absolute blast. Unfortunately, every time we return for Christmas Eve here, my mind plays back memories of her first horrible experience, screaming at the top of her lungs in the back room, exhausting all resources to try to get her to stop screaming and all willing hands that were put up with her bone chilling scream that lasted for hours. But, just when my mind wandered there this year, she came zipping around the corner with a smile plastered on her face. And that, erased it all. I am so thankful for how far she has come... what a relief that we are no longer living those memories, but that we are creating memories with many more smiles and laughter with her.

I present, the smiles...

The Hawn Gang

Chris' Uncle Tim, Aunt Rhonda, and Christine's sister and husband

The Sadler and Barker Gang

Somehow, we missed a picture of Joyce's family :( I think we didn't get our camera out enough, but they were present and accounted for during the celebration too.

Kristy, Pat, Jules & Jeff

Grandma and Grandpa Hawn with all of their kids, Chris, Matt, Kim and Pat

Having a GREAT time!

And finally, the moment we were all waiting for... pictures with Christmas cookies for Santa!!! It was late, and we were all ready for bed, anticipating the wonderful gifts that Christmas would bring.

Ho Ho Ho!!!

The Hawns

Christmas Came Early

2009-12-29T20:17:00.005-06:00

Because it is simply impossible to celebrate Christmas with both of our families on the actual holiday, we rotate holidays each year with each side of the family. If we do Thanksgiving in Kansas, we do Christmas at home with Chris' parents, and vice versa. This year, that is exactly what we did, so we decided to celebrate Christmas with my side of the family, the weekend before Christmas.

This may have caused a little confusion for the little one, but she got used to the idea of opening presents pretty quickly. We had a great Christmas with my mom at her house and my Dad at my Grandparent's house. She got several gifts and so did we, but I would have to say the best gift of all has been watching her play with her cousins/second cousins and strutting around on her own two feet just like they do. She is really making strides with this whole walking thing (no pun intended), and I remember saying just a few months ago that I thought this "stage" wouldn't come for at least 6 months or more. She has surprised me once again! You'll see in the videos to come in some later posts. For now, some Merry (early) Christmas photos.

Charlotte's big gift from Grandma Valorie

My Great Papa and Grandma Pool, Ron and Pauline, opening a gift from my brother and his wife, Laura. They are stationed in England at the Royal Air Force base, and they gave us each a plate with some of the sites of England on them.

Posing by the tree before tearing into presents.

This smile of Charlotte's is priceless. Her little white front teeth poke out when she is absolutely tickled pink. You can't create this smile with a funny gesture or a request for a smile, it is uniquely Charlotte when she is at her best. I think it is adorable.

My Grandmother seems to know me quite well as she knows one of the things I value most is something made from the heart. She gave Chris and I the quilt underneath the two kids, happy to try it out for us for a few minutes.

Passed OUT!

Uncle Matt was able to come down from Omaha. I just finished telling you that he and his wife, Laura, are stationed in England. Turns out, a few months after they moved over there, he went over seas, and then just a few weeks after he came home from that, they decided he needed more training here in the States. Go figure!? We were happy to have him home, but wished Laura could have been there to celebrate too. I would also like to ask for prayers for the two of them. They recently found out they were expecting their first child, only to experience their first miscarriage as well, just a few weeks later, and days after my brother left England to come over to the states. Please pray for them both.

Christmas with the Davidson side. Grandpa Davidson found this really cool book that he recorded his voice to. It is "Twas The Night Before Christmas", and we read it on Christmas Eve this year... or, Grandpa read it. You know what I mean.

Playing with second cousin Lexi. They became fast friends.

Great Grandma and Grandpa Davidson, Iona and Orlie

Most of the Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren. Sara and Nathan couldn't stay the entire time because they had a prior engagement waaaay across the state to make it back for. We wished they could have been in the picture too.

Merry Christmas to my family. Every time I come home, I am reminded of the wonderful people that I am privileged to call my family. I love you all.

Jenn

Ryan's Memorial Marker

2009-12-17T20:01:00.004-06:00

The headstone for Ryan's grave was placed yesterday. Chris and I designed the marker together. The background image was taken by Chris while I was on bedrest from room 18 in Labor & Delivery. We were admiring the sunset, only to look close at the picture and see the cross placed directly in the center. Exactly where it belongs. The image on the right, a friend gave to me after Ryan died. Whenever he was really sick and we were unable to console him, this is exactly the image that I prayed about and hoped that Jesus was holding Ryan close. When I saw this image, it was assurance to me that yes, Jesus was with him, always. We wrote to the artist and got permission to use the drawing for his memorial marker. And finally, the picture of Ryan is one of the best pictures we have of him and was also used on his prayer cards at his funeral. The scripture underneath the Jesus picture is also the same that was on his prayer card.

The marker is all bronze and textured. You can feel the clouds, the ridges of Ryan's fingers, the wrinkles in Jesus' robe. As I touched it today, I remembered the many hours I spent just holding Ryan's hand, praying that his life and our lives would be so much different. That we would have more time together...

As the Christmas Holiday approaches, I can honestly say that my Christmas wish has already been granted. We were hoping that Ryan's marker would be placed before Christmas, and thankfully, it has been. We miss him so much, and many days, I feel as if I could crumble because he is not here. Christmas or not, doesn't seem to matter. I miss our son with every ounce of me.

Charlotte came with me today. As we pulled into the St. Charles Memorial Gardens, she said "Let's go see Ryan!". She already remembers why we are there before I tell her. As she stood by his grave today, I wished so deeply that she was sitting on the couch, holding him and tickling his chin and belly instead of running her fingers over the bronze in the ground. As she stood up, she said "I love you Ryan" and blew him kisses to heaven. I love both of my children so much.

I am sure you noticed the extended area of the granite and the extra drill marks for another memorial plaque. They mistakenly mounted it to the "double" slab instead of the single. They are going to fix that ASAP. Overall, we are very pleased with how it looks and are thankful to have this to come and look at and a more permanent memorial for our son. At the same time, it makes it hit home that much more that we had to bury him only 4 1/2 months ago. It seems like he has been gone for so long, yet the time he was here, much too short. If I were to freeze a moment in time, I would go all the way back to when I first held our precious, vibrant, beautiful baby boy. A moment I'll cherish my entire life.

I have so much in my heart that I feel this page could burst with emotion. I miss you Ryan.

We love you,

Mom & Dad

2009-12-13T22:58:00.001-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Pink Glove Dance - smile for a good cause

2009-12-09T21:55:00.002-06:00

~Thanks for sending me this link Becky!

Jenn

Angel of Hope

2009-12-08T20:50:00.003-06:00

Chris and I had been invited by a friend to attend the "Angel of Hope" ceremony on December 6th, held at Blanchette Park, St. Charles. Click here to read more about the ceremony. We went bundled up for the cold, Charlotte had on her snow pants and snow boots, our ears covered in hats. No matter how much we tried to keep out the cold, the sting of the tears on our faces and the many other parents who attended could not be stopped. Chris' parent's also attended the ceremony with us, and we left some white daisies at the base of the angel's feet for all of our babies and kept Ryan's candle lit despite the brisk wind. It was an evening that I think Chris and I needed. We held each other and Charlotte in the bitter cold, remembering our handsome son and sadly, shared an unspoken understanding and bond with the others in attendance. There were far more people there than I expected would attend. It breaks my heart to know so many other families know hurt like our own. One can only find comfort in the assurance that all of those children are God's children, and they no longer feel the bitterness of the cold or the piercing wind. They are at peace with Him.

In Loving Memory

Love,

Mom & Dad

Great Thanks

2009-12-03T21:55:00.002-06:00

We had such a great Thanksgiving with family this year. We went home to Kansas for the holiday and got to spend time with both sides of my family. We missed Chris' side very much, but unfortunately, the entire middle portion of Missouri lays between my family and our St. Louis family. It seems we probably couldn't have feasted any more than we did anyway. Thank you to everyone who wished us a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope yours were also filled with the joy that only family can bring and the peace that we do have so much to be thankful for.

The rest of this entry, I would like to spend some time talking about the leading lady in our lives, Charlotte. I have so much to say about her, and it seems to me that if I don't type it all now and write it all down, that even these wonderful memories would fade some day. I want to bottle up her sweetness right now. She gives the sweetest smiles, has the most infectious giggle, the softest kisses, and the most tender hugs of any girl that I know. She has brought so much to my life that I can't even imagine going through life without her right now. She is my pride and joy, literally. Each day that I go to take her to school, or pick her up, my face is beaming because that bright eyed, beautiful child is ours. She lights up a room and can turn my tears of sorrow into a smile in an instant. She will never know how much my heart clings to hers and I just have to say that she has carried more than her fair share in the weight of this sad time in our lives. She has lifted Chris and I up in times when only God knew exactly what we needed... her.

Charlotte is growing up. She is becoming a little girl right before my eyes and all I can do sometimes is look at her in awe. What an amazing young lady she has become. She has worked so hard for the progress she has made and continues to work twice as hard as she did the day before. She is so determined. Just in the beginning of October, Charlotte was continuing to make progress in walking and such, taking more independent steps and still needing a lot of assistance at home and such. She has now transformed from a little girl who would wait and ask for my hand to guide her, to this confident little being that is pushing me away as I try to guide her. What joy this brings me. She now BELIEVES in herself. Self confidence is not something you can really give an individual. You can encourage and praise all you want, but self confidence comes from within. She know believes that she CAN walk and therefore, she is. In the classroom at school, she usually leaves her walker at the door, walking between objects and around the classroom with more ease than I have ever seen from her. She is "righting" herself with much more ease when she looses her balance and she is able now to stop and then begin walking again without loosing total control. I can only imagine what concentration this takes for her, but she is doing it. And I, can only stand by watching, trying not to let the tears in my eyes fall down my cheek. She gives me so many reasons to be strong.

Charlotte still keeps Ryan's memory alive. Not only in her smile, her giggle, her innocence, but she asks about him, talks about him, even wants to listen to "Ryan's music", as I have fondly named the Steven Curtis Chapman c.d.. I have been told that she names her baby dolls at school Ryan, from one of her new greatest friends, "Felicia", her shadow that helps her throughout her day in the full day preschool. (Felicia has been wonderful in facilitating Charlotte's independence at school, being there when she needs her and backing off to let her just enjoy being with the other kids.) Charlotte blows Ryan kisses with me, tells me she misses him, and I remind her EVERY chance that I get that she was a wonderful big sister. We often let her see pictures of him on the computer, or watch videos of him and her. I think she would probably watch them for hours if we let her. But, most preciously, when you ask Charlotte where Ryan is, she happily says, "With Jesus!" as if there really is no better place to be. She is absolutely right.

Charlotte is talking a lot! I am still not sure about her vocabulary at school, but some examples of what she has been saying are:

"Mommy! Baby dancing on my lap!" - followed by giggles.

She sings many songs, even tries to sing to songs she doesn't know by just making it up, she asks questions, is completely tickled by the display of Christmas Lights everywhere we go and is now carrying on conversations with us. She has become this little person that I just can't seem to get enough of. I just want to soak up her goodness...

I could write a book about how amazing I think our little girl is. To most, it may sound as if I am trying to brag on her. What proud parent wouldn't want to do that. But, mostly, I am just trying to give credit where credit is due, and to honestly say that she means the world to me. She makes this place bright and full of hope. She reminds me daily that I have so much to be thankful for, all bundled inside of her. To her, to Ryan and to my husband, thank you. I am most thankful for the family we have become and the love we have for each other.

~Jenn

"See"

2009-11-19T20:14:00.002-06:00

I have had so much on my mind lately that it seems nearly impossible to sit here and type all that I am feeling. How could my emotions possibly spill onto the page adequately? I recently spoke at a Christian Women's Retreat about grief and how we leaned on God through all we had been through. My talk was only 50 minutes long and the worst part about wasn't all of the emotions involved, it was that I had SO much more to say. I could have talked much, much longer. I talked about our journey the past 5 Years... 5. Even as I told the story, I sometimes want to step back and say, "Did that really happen?" It seems just when I have shared the worst, there is more to come. As I looked around the room at the 10 women listening to me, I wondered what they must be thinking. We were all crying by the end, and it took me almost every bit of 40 minutes to just get the story out. I even left out some... about surgeries and struggles.

The rest of the time I talked, I shared some scriptures, a website that I found helpful, pictures, answered some questions, and really tried to convey that no matter how harsh and tragic the story that I just told was, my life is even more full, even without the weight of my baby in my arms. I long to hold Ryan, I long to look into his eyes, I long to see the look on his face when we meet again. But he took a piece of my heart with him and replaced that spot with the love of Jesus and the assured promises of God. My heart is more full in that way. Ryan will always have a piece, a special part of me. That is why I walk around each day feeling somewhat incomplete. But, the new, "empty" place is slowly being taken over by a love and a comfort that I didn't know existed.

The day before I went to give my "talk" to the women at the retreat, Chris told me about a c.d. that he had to get for me. I was on my way to a 31 party, and as I climbed into the car, it was sitting on my dash. I put it in for the lonesome drive over there and quickly was mesmerized by the lyrics and beauty of the music by Steven Curtis Chapman, from his c.d. Beauty Will Rise.

He has a different story, but similar to my own in that his daughter passed away at age 5. He too struggled with the grief that I know, the belief that your child is in a wonderful place but the desire to just "See" that your child is okay. He knows the pain that I know, when every bit of you wants to trust in His plan, but part of you just wants things to return to the way they were. When simple tasks didn't seem impossible and quiet hours of the day were welcomed, not dreaded. He knows the harsh reality that the rest of his life, he too will be living as if he is incomplete. But, he also knows and trusts, as I do, that some day, he and his child will be reunited. I believe this with all my heart, and this promise, from God, makes me want to be a better Christian and to really live my life for Him.

Steven Curtis Chapman's song, #3, called "See" was his reassurance. If you want to learn more about the song, you can go to this link and understand what I am talking about. His entire c.d. is beautiful and brought me to tears, one song after another, but this song particularly made me think of Ryan.

But, we have our own "See". I know I have written that I have been praying that I could "See" Ryan, similar to how Steven Curtis Chapman prayed. I also wrote to you recently about a close friend of mine who had a near death experience. I had not yet shared with you the rest of her story. She has given me permission to share this with anyone that would benefit from knowing her story, knowing I would probably write on the blog. So, I will tell you the quick story, then copy the email she sent me.

Kelly went in for a minor procedure, and just before they began, they pushed a medication that caused her to have a Grand Mal Seizure, and she coded on the OR table. It took the medical team nearly 30 minutes to stabilize Kelly, and she was then transferred to the ICU at St. John's, where the Doctors proceeded to tell her family that they didn't know if she was going to live. She miraculously did live, and thankfully had two wonderful stories to tell. The first story she shared, she told of being "held" and of feeling comforted. She said that she had a "conversation with someone, and they asked her if she was Ready?" Her reply was, "No, I have 3 young kids" and that is pretty much all she tells of that experience. If that isn't enough for you to believe in a Greater Power, then I don't know what is. I went to visit her in the ICU and we briefly talked about what happened. But, she was too ill to talk much more and said we would have to talk when she was well. A few days later, I received this email:

Hi Jenn,
Thank you so much for stopping by the other day. I know on many levels, that must have been so hard for you. It really meant a lot. I told you that day that I have something to tell you when I could talk a little easier, and hopefully without crying. Well, I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you without crying, and I'm not 100% sure that you would want to hear the "story." While I was "out" Tuesday afternoon, I had two very moving experiences. One, everyone knows about. The other, was a dream about Ryan. I resist telling you about this dream because it isn't fair that I got to see it and you didn't. However, I feel extremely selfish keeping it to myself. The dream was very brief, but beautiful. Ryan was standing at this very colorful garden/wall/art center of sorts with a few others his age. (He was standing and cruising, but not yet walking!) They had these special crayons that they were using that with just a touch would change the colors of the flowers and the butterflies. Ryan and his friends were giggling and babbling. When they were done coloring their beautiful garden, they all got to swing in this amazing swing that all six of them fit in - again more laughing and giggling! These images are so vivid in my mind, that I have to wonder about the significance of this dream on many levels. Maybe it was just a dream? Maybe it was so that I could tell you how happy, healthy, and playful that Ryan is now? I'm not really sure, but the dream and seeing Ryan's beautiful smile, those amazing eyes, gave me a strong sense of calm and peace. Your perfect son continues to be just that!

Love,
Kelly

This email moved me to the happiest tears I have cried since Ryan left us. Ryan was reaching out to us, the only way he could to say "See, I am okay". I am so sorry that Kelly had to go through such a scary experience, but she tells me today that she doesn't question it.

I am sharing all of this with you because I want you to know that each day we spend without Ryan feels like an eternity, and the time that we spent with him feels like a blink. Each day is different, some very hard for me, some I just get through, and very little am I able to look forward to right now. I am focusing on feeling that beam of light in my heart that Ryan brought with him and left for me to cling to. That smile he gave me as he "saw" the beauty of life beyond this earth. I am focusing on the wonderful promises for eternity that God has assured us with if we only open our eyes and ears to hear His word and be witness to His goodness. I am seeking comfort from the only truth that I know. I have Faith, even when my days seem dark, even when the tears keep coming, even when I ask myself "How do I do this, and can't imagine my life without our beloved son".

I want to end this entry with a poem that I came across when doing my research for the Women's Retreat.

When you've walked through the valley of the shadow of death
When you thought the worst was over and the worst is what was left
Some things he can't explain now, but by and by he will
Look up through the pain now, you will find him Deeper Still
Deeper still you will find him, deeper still than before
Deeper still goes the anchor, deeper still the ocean floor
Deeper still he has taught you, deeper still there is to go
Deeper still is the Savior, deeper still than we know.

www.grieving.org

~Jenn

Leaves & Fishing

2009-11-08T21:30:00.005-06:00

As I was doing a Thirty-One Party on Saturday morning, Chris took Charlotte outside for some fun in the leaves and to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather we are having. She was unsure at first, but you can see that she warmed up to the idea of immersing herself in them quickly.

Chris piled them at the bottom of her clubhouse so she could slide down into them.

Obsessed with the THOUSANDS of ladybugs around.

Then, after my party, we went up to the farm to get the house ready for Deer Season next weekend. We got a lot of our work done Saturday night and were able to do some fishing and enjoy the beautiful day on Sunday.

Riding down to the pond for some fishing. Charlotte helped me steer.

Daddy caught the first and biggest fish, and it was a beauty.

Mommy giving it a try. I only caught one little one.

Fish ON!

And this was Charlotte's first experience with fishing and she did pretty good for a first timer. She was fairly patient for being 3, liked to reel in the line, but absolutely wouldn't sit there and watch the cork. Daddy says she is more of a lure fisher-woman than a bobber.

Grandpa looks good in bibs.

The Hawns

A Creative Halloween

2009-11-02T17:15:00.007-06:00

For this Halloween, we got a little creative with Charlotte's costume. We knew it had to be good for her first trick or treating experience and we knew it had to incorporate her walker. We put our heads together and came up with a great idea...

Charlotte took part in the creation process... here she is painting her custom to fit her walker, dog house.

All Done!

The whole thing, layed out on the dining room table.

Next, our creative vibes were still flowing when we carved the pumpkin on Halloween. Let's just say, we had great inspiration.

Our flying pig design. As we first studied the design, it seemed next to impossible, but we began planning to make our pumpkin carving experience perfection.

Charlotte bravely scooped out a few guts.

Chris got to work on transferring and cutting out the design. He let me do a little, but this was definitely his "baby".

And then.... Voila!!! The pumpkin is finished, the flying pig now a reality.

It looked GREAT! I loved the way he carved out the wings and how he captured all of the detail from the original picture. Marvelous, and so special.

Later that evening, after dinner, it was time to don her costume. She was a "Pink Poodle" named "Fifi", equipped with her very own dog house/walker for trick or treating. The pink dog costume, we found at the second hand store, and I hand sewed the pink loofa's for the perfect poodle effect. We made her a tail out of a sock and stuffed it with loofa's too, and I also used ribbon to make a collar and a bow over her tail. Chris made her dog tag out of carboard and foil. She was all set for the night.

Fifi trying out her dog house.

Great pose!

Great Aunt Kelly came over for dinner, to see Charlotte in her costume and to bring her a Halloween treat. Thank you Aunt Kelly!

I didn't dress up for the evening but thought it might be fun to play around with some face paint. This is also Chris' creation as this would have been next to impossible to do myself. I had no idea he was so great at applying makeup.

Sara, Nathan and Ian also came over for dinner so we could see Ian's costume. He was the cutest little Dragon, toddling around, that I've ever seen. He and Charlotte are nearly the same size now.

Aunt Sara and Charlotte

Charlotte was being goofy and was soooo excited to have her costume on and to go trick or treating. We headed over to Pat & Kristy's.

They had the bonfire out to warm up beside and we set off down the street for some serious trick or treating. However, it was a lot harder than I had bargained for. The whole way was down hill, good for Charlotte so she doesn't get too tired, but she is such a speed deamon!! Fast wasn't fast enough, and with all of the uneven driveways and bumpy roads, it was totally a 2 person job. One of us monitored the oncoming trick or treaters while the other slowed Charlotte down and kept her from totally wiping out. Then, when we finally reached our destination, maneuvering up the sidewalk and to the door became impossible to do with the walker. Most of the time, one of us ended up taking the bucket and her hand and making our way to the door. She was brave and said trick or treat at each house (this surprised me) and had a great time. That is what mattered most.

After we had walked as far as we dared from Pat & Kristy's, it was time for the long trek back up the hill, Chris carrying Charlotte's "dog house" and candy, and me carrying Charlotte. It seemed we had traveled so far. By the time we got to their driveway, we let her stay up a bit longer to have a snack and give goodnight hugs & kisses and then it was off to bed for our little poddle. We were all tired.

Before bed, one last photo op with the kids.

All in all, a great First Halloween of trick or treating for Charlotte, and the huge smile on her face made up for the difficult time her parents had.

The Hawns

Pat & Kristy's Housewarming Party

2009-11-02T15:11:00.002-06:00

We are so glad that Chris' brother Pat and his wife Kristy have moved very close to us recently. They are less than 10 min from our house, which makes get togethers much easier and our kids really love playing with eachother. They had a housewarming party with a Halloween theme. We all dressed up, this makes Charlotte's 3rd costume for the spooky season, only one of which was new. She and I both dressed up as Cheerleaders, me wearing my uniform from highshool.... fits a little different these days, but I still squeezed into it. Chris wore his old tennis jersey and his letter jacket. It was fun to dress up for a little while and Charlotte was very cute too. She loved the makeup I let her put on.

Jenn - Paola High School 2000

Chris - Hazelwood West High School 1999

Jeff's costume is Peter Pan and Jules was Tinkerbell

Matt, Chris' younger brother, got the award for the best costume of the night.

Sharlie & Jeff

Great picture with Uncle Matt

The Hawns

Danielle's Nursery

2009-11-02T11:19:00.008-06:00

Pat, Kristy, Jeff and Jules joined us for some Fall Fun at Danielle's Nursery. We all had such a great time and got all of our fun in just before it decided to rain that day. Here are some great pictures of the kids. They speak for themselves.

At the end of the day, after we had gone home, I told Chris that I thought Ryan was with us today. I think that when we are happy, he is happy, and he was right there by our side today.

The Hawns

Trunk Or Treat at FUMC

2009-11-02T09:58:00.002-06:00

The weekend before Halloween, we took Charlotte to our church's Fall Celebration and she got to trick or treat in the parking lot. We had her wear her costume from last year because this year's costume was being saved for Halloween night and it was a secret!

The back of our car, decorated for the "Trunk or Treat"
Sara, Nathan and Ian also came to the program.

Minnie, still fits in her costume from last year. She really is our minnie

Digging in for some candy

We had a great time and enjoyed Charlotte's ability to be more independent for her first year of trick or treating.

The Hawns

Please Pray for Kelly

2009-10-28T21:32:00.002-05:00

A great friend of mine, Kelly, nearly lost her life today. She is one of the kindest, most generous people I know and this world is a much better, brighter place with her in it.

Kelly, thank you for being such a fighter and for being determined to stay here in this world a bit longer for your family and for families like my own. You have made such an impact on our family and I know you must have many more great things yet to do. Charlotte and I prayed for you and your family tonight. Know you are still in Jesus' arms.

Jenn

There Aren't Any Words

2009-10-27T12:04:00.002-05:00

If you have seen me in the halls at work or somewhere else recently and asked "how are you doing?" I am sure you got a speechless, somewhat confused look from me. It is hard to know what to say, how to answer such a difficult question. There really aren't any words that seem to come out right. That can express the depth of the pain inside. I often cry in silence, tears spill from my eyes without notice, confusing those around me or forcing me to hide them behind a fake smile, a turn of the head so the person I am trying to talk to won't notice, or a polite "excuse me". It doesn't seem possible that our lives are so different than just 9 months ago... I yearn to hold my son.

I have something on my horizon that I am prayerfully looking forward to, so if you are the praying kind, please pray that this glimmer of hopefulness comes true for me. I am patiently waiting for my future to unfold however it may... For someone who has struggled a lot about "planning" anything right now, please know it has been very hard for me to look ahead. It is hard for me at times to think about what tomorrow holds. It has been hard for me to write too, because the words just don't seem to be enough...

Thank you for everyone's reminding thoughts that they are always thinking of our family and Ryan. I never have doubted that. What is hard though, is those who don't know Ryan and who don't know what our family has been through. It seems so huge in my life that everyone I meet should know too, but they don't. It is a reality that my troubles are mine and that others have their own that feel like the entire world to them. It has been hard to know of others experiencing difficult situations, similar to our own. I can barely hold it together and when I learn of yet another tragic story, it seems too much. I think this is why I have not gone to any therapy yet... or why I was dreading the MDA SMA Trivia Night last weekend. I was afraid of seeing all of the families stuggling to overcome this horrible disease and then breaking down in tears on an evening that was supposed to be fun. I hate SMA. I hate what it did to our son. I hate that we had to watch him suffer as it stole his last breath. As tears roll down my face, it exemplifies why we have to keep fighting this disease together. Please, seek out the MDA and any fundraisers that they do, especially for SMA. We need to fight for Ryan to end this disease. So one more mother won't be pouring tears over a meaningless blog entry because she isn't playing with her beautiful child instead.

Jenn

Charlotte Update (AKA Pictures)

2009-10-22T21:05:00.005-05:00

Things have been busy around here, but we had some pictures of Charlotte we wanted to share.

Our little girl is growing up. She started Early Childhood, is riding the school bus, and last week had her first "homework assignment". Good thing we got her a table and chairs!

Mommy helps out with the letter "O". For show and tell that week she took an Orange Pumpkin.

Here she is during part of her bed time routine. I think we could take hundreds of pictures a week of her smiling as she looks at her books. This is one of her favorites, Dr. Suess' Great Day For Up.

Charlotte sitting at the head of the table waiting for our dinner guests to arrive (Pat, Kristy, Jeff, and Jules)

This one doesn't really need a caption, other than to say that Charlotte LOVES her OREOS!

Other Notes:

We are glad that Matt (Jenn's brother) made it back to his wife safe and sound. He was on deployment for the past few month with the Air Force.

I also wanted to share a cool (addicting) website with all our readers out there. If you haven't heard about it yet, I suggest you check out http://www.woot.com/. Each day they have a different "deal" and sometimes the featured item is pretty cool. But they only feature one item per day, and if they sell out fast...then they are gone...and you have to wait till the next day for the next item. Enjoy!

And finally, Happy 22nd Birthday to my brother Matt. You don't look a day past 21 ;)

-Dad

Ryan's Grave

2009-10-12T21:11:00.004-05:00

In the business of my day, I found time to take a few moments at Ryan's grave today. I brought him some beautiful sunflowers and other fall arrangements to place in a vase near his grave. This is only a temporary vase until the permanent memorial is placed, which will have a vase on it. Since I was there last, a lot more grass has grown to nearly cover his grave. As I stood there today, I couldn't stop thinking about how this is the closest I will ever be again to his physical body, which was so beautiful to me. He seemed so close, yet so out of reach as I stood above him today. I prayed again that he would come see me soon. Oh, how I miss him.

~Jenn

CMSU Homecoming & Nursing 50th Anniversary

2009-10-12T20:50:00.003-05:00

This past weekend, we went back to our alma mater, Central Missouri State University, in Warrensburg, MO. All four of us, Chris, myself, Sara and Nathan, graduated there in 2003 or 2004. It was wonderful walking on campus again since Chris and I had not been back since we were married in the chapel on campus in June of 2004. It was like our own little 5 year reunion.

We also met up with a couple of our friends from Central, Jayson & Meghan Gray and their new son, Andrew, and our friend Dave Ceule. We went to the homecoming football game and then that evening, Sara and I attended the Nursing Program's 50th Anniversary. We were the only representatives from each of our classes, but enjoyed each other's company, the food, and visiting with the faculty.

Charlotte didn't appreciate the loudness of the football game much. She pretty much spent the entire first half of the game with her head burried in my coat. She only looked up for entertainment from my sister with a book or two and finally, for the band performance at half time. She liked the drums a lot. Since it was such a cold day, and Charlotte was much less than thrilled to be there, we left at half time with the "Mules" comfortably winning, 37 to 3.

The Hemmanns

the field before the game began

Sara and I at the Nursing dinner. "The twins", as all of the faculty kindly called us.

The Hawns